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    dots Submission Name: The shadow (please comment)dots

    Author: josymanthegreat
    ASL Info:    21/m/GA from Puerto Rico
    Elite Ratio:    4.73 - 337/364/104
    Words: 229
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 891
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1371

       This is just for you all to see my point from the streets. Just wanted to see what yall felt about it so please check it. its human nature

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe shadow (please comment)dots

    Its late at night
    around there’s no one
    "tonight the night"
    when my darkness pray on someone
    To the side the nine strapped
    in my pocket a knife
    but I have to get something
    make better my life
    so I look in the window
    seems like nobody is there
    quietly break the glass
    and then crawl my way in
    Looking for all the valuables around the house
    when suddenly a sound is approaching now
    look out the window I see its a car
    saying to myself "this wasn’t planned"
    the guy gets out and walks towards the door
    trying to disappear I try to hide in a hall
    but its no use he sees the mess
    walks towards his room and receives two to his chest
    his eyes tell the tale of a death fearing man
    to me it doesn’t matter because food my child demands
    so looking at his eyes I point the nine at him
    I think to myself "god im sorry for this sin"
    pull the trigger twice
    both of them hit him on the head
    I take the money in his wallet his Rolex
    walk out as nothing happened for nobody sees me
    I am just a shadow trying to escape the crack dreams
    so nobody worries and nobody shed tears
    because a shadow is something that comes a disappears

    Submitted on 2005-09-04 08:15:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      This is a very deep write you have here! At first it reads as a juvenille causing havoc but then as you read on further you add the line about your child demanding food and how you are deeply sorry and it turns this poem from a harsh one to very sad and a means to survive. I think that was a nice conversion! Very sad and tragic that so many people have to steal and rob just to survive in this world and my heart goes out to them. Life is hard enough and I cant imagine how it must feel to not know where your next meal with come from or how you are gonna afford to feed your child. Heartbreaking it really is! A very good expression of struggle here. Take care!

    | Posted on 2005-09-26 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      Throwing that line in there about your child demanding food, and the line about telling God that you're sorry turns this from just a dark poem about robbing someone into something much deeper. You're not doing it for the thrill, you're not doing it to be rich-you're doing it to survive. That was an interesting twist.
    | Posted on 2005-09-12 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]
      I like your dark style. But some of the typos made it hard to read, and it seems to need a little more polish (although it's probably hard to polish something as gritty as this one, hahaha).
    | Posted on 2005-09-05 00:00:00 | by Jeniffer | [ Reply to This ]
      honesty i hate how ppl rag on the spelling cuz i got ragged on it to but ohwell...some ppl are picky thats all i can say but i really liked this poem the way u said things was really good the choice of words and everything i liked good job.
    | Posted on 2005-09-04 00:00:00 | by lil_gh0st_girl | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed this one too...it's amazing how people can write so much from so many different perspectives. I would suggest that you use spell-check or something for your poems...correct grammar/spelling seems to make poems more...readable and...attractive you could call it, lol.
    | Posted on 2005-09-04 00:00:00 | by Mia | [ Reply to This ]

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