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The Old Building

Author: Mud
ASL Info:    18/f/India
Elite Ratio:    2.73 - 55 /98 /57
Words: 196
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 1076
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1237


i wrote this poem about a wonderful friend i once had. we had a huge falling out. i ran into him the other day, but nothing was the same.he has new friends, i have new friends, we have nothing in common anymore. i felt sad, and wrote this about him.

The Old Building

There stands the old building
Once upon a time, it was new…
Sparkling tiles and bright curtains and the like
I moved in without a thought
It was beautiful
It was comfortable
It made me feel good

I lived there
I loved there
I ate and slept there
I played there
And then I left

There stands the old building
I moved out a while ago
It began to crumble a few years after I moved in
The sparkling tiles, they chipped and fell off
The bright curtains tore
It was infested with vermin
The rats and lizards fell on me as I curled up in my bed
They wouldn’t let me be
And drove me out

I went to see the old building the other day
For old time’s sake
Hoping, praying that the lizards wouldn’t squirm into my clothes
And that the rats wouldn’t bite me

Well, the lizards didn’t squirm and the rats didn’t bite
The building was new again
And someone else had moved in
Taken my place
Changed the curtains and the tiles
And cleaned the place out

I have no place there now

Submitted on 2005-09-04 10:42:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  hmmm. this is really really good. i loved the metaphor of the bulding. this is more like a story rather than a poem somehow. but anyway, it's a sad piece to read. i loved the simple way you've narrated everything. it makes the ending even more poignant somehow. good work nisha. this is the first time i noticed you were on this site. lol. and btw what inspired the screen name. i get reminded of "my name is mud" by primus. lol.

whatever. i'm sick. i think i'll go now.

| Posted on 2006-02-14 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ]
  This made me want to cry. Did he hurt you? I get the feeling that something terrible happened between you, as soon as you had gotten close. One of those never-ending hallways, where you can never reach the door, then come to find out the door would never have let you in had you tried, because the door was locked and someone else held the key.

I love the metaphor, it is a quite lovely one. I am adding this to my favorites, my first favorite. :)

| Posted on 2006-01-24 00:00:00 | by I Exsist | [ Reply to This ]
  I dunno... This style isn't my favorite either, but I think that being solid and using general words sometimes has a place. It really is all just a style issue. Its a great topic and a great story, It just depends on how you want to say it. The end was very solid, it made me sad.

| Posted on 2005-09-04 00:00:00 | by thezeroman88 | [ Reply to This ]
  The poem was a lil.. meh...

The first half I enjoyed reading.. but the second half seemed rushed, or like you had a loss of words so you just shoved something there...

You could make this a magnificent piece.. just try and work on it..

Keep it Up

| Posted on 2005-09-04 00:00:00 | by Blindly-N-Love | [ Reply to This ]
  I think this is a poem with potential. If you tighten it up some, eliminate the long drawn out sentences and repetition of things you already said, it would be much better. I like the comparison of your friendship with the building and I would also recommend more showing and less telling. it's almost like a dream and I like the lizards and vermin metaphor thing even though I am not sure what it stands for. basically you have a great poem here if you do some revision. nice work.
| Posted on 2005-09-04 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
  This isn't my favorite type of poetry because not may people relate to it . I didnt really like at the end of the first verse when it said, "It made me feel good" It kinda made me go Oh ... - I think it would have been better to maybe swap " It made me feel good" with " It was confortable" To me it just sounds better, But its your poem. But overall its really good. And I love the way you compared your old friendship to and old building. It's awsome

| Posted on 2005-09-04 00:00:00 | by Coffee Brake | [ Reply to This ]

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