I sit here and think
about that knife in the sink
about all the pains
and make a plan how to wash them away
slowly walk to the place
pulling out my tool
and now its down to the chase
slashing every five seconds rule
my arms and legs bleed
and everything now isnt what it seems
still not feeling a bit better
my legs start to shake and shiver
so i also slash them
and out of nowhere comes a red river
now it trickles down my body
now no pain is felt at all
Ive bleed myself to dead
my mom comes in and says "Oh my god"
behind on my desk i left a note
saying "you dont have to worry anymore"
underneath saying the name
but for no use
beacuse the blood made it bamoose
Joy is right, cutting is a very well written about subject. But you can never have the same poem from two different people, because no one ever feels the exact same way as someone else. Every poem is part of you, even if you are just writing it because someone told you to. You put a piece of you in everything you write.
Now I will go to the mechanical junk. To get more people to read what you write, work on the small things like spelling/grammar because if there are a lot of errors they might take away from your piece. I am not saying that it has done so on this one, because it hasn't, though there are a few mistakes.
I hate being formal, shoot me now. But I figured I'd give you a little advice. Because there are people who won't take a second glance at poems that have more then a couple errors...and now I fill like a b*tch...
I really liked your poem, I have read a lot of poems about cutting, and haven't found the same one twice...and people think it's an over used idea, POSH!
okay, i just want to start by saying that im not trying to be mean. lol, i hope it doesnt sound like i am. and second, im not like a great writter that is just putting you down lol, im not comparing it to anything, im just seeing what i think could be better. i hate it when poeple think im a mean snob..
okay. well the point and subject is something is very popular. and you seem to have done a fairly good job of not making like everyone else. im not sure if you had a certain rhyming pattern or not but i would really like to see it re-written without rhyming. because in this perticual poem i think it would be so much more powerful. other then that. like i said. i would love to see it re-written to without rhyming. then, you wouldnt be under the .. boundries.. of having to find something that rhymes.
just write what you feel. dont try and fit it into certain words. express yourself totally. dig deep within your feelings and dont just settle with words like pain.. what does that pain feel like? that way the reader will understand and feel what its like. Read others work.. i would suggest inspirit999 he is a wonderful writter and explays a real skill for it. you can pick up alot from him. good job! keep them coming! jennifer