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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Bleed (Please comment)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: josymanthegreat
    ASL Info:    21/m/GA from Puerto Rico
    Elite Ratio:    4.73 - 337/364/104
    Words: 146
    Class/Type: Poetry/Death
    Total Views: 1207
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 867



    Description:
       my first experiment into this point of view and scene of the youth now a days. i would like for people to comment on it please.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBleed (Please comment)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I sit here and think
    about that knife in the sink
    about all the pains
    and make a plan how to wash them away
    slowly walk to the place
    pulling out my tool
    and now its down to the chase
    slashing every five seconds rule
    my arms and legs bleed
    and everything now isnt what it seems
    still not feeling a bit better
    my legs start to shake and shiver
    so i also slash them
    and out of nowhere comes a red river
    now it trickles down my body
    now no pain is felt at all
    Ive bleed myself to dead
    my mom comes in and says "Oh my god"
    behind on my desk i left a note
    saying "you dont have to worry anymore"
    underneath saying the name
    but for no use
    beacuse the blood made it bamoose






    Submitted on 2005-09-04 19:13:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Joy is right, cutting is a very well written about subject. But you can never have the same poem from two different people, because no one ever feels the exact same way as someone else. Every poem is part of you, even if you are just writing it because someone told you to. You put a piece of you in everything you write.

    Now I will go to the mechanical junk. To get more people to read what you write, work on the small things like spelling/grammar because if there are a lot of errors they might take away from your piece. I am not saying that it has done so on this one, because it hasn't, though there are a few mistakes.

    I hate being formal, shoot me now. But I figured I'd give you a little advice. Because there are people who won't take a second glance at poems that have more then a couple errors...and now I fill like a b*tch...

    I really liked your poem, I have read a lot of poems about cutting, and haven't found the same one twice...and people think it's an over used idea, POSH!

    Alright, I am going to leave you alone now.

    Krazy
    | Posted on 2005-09-05 00:00:00 | by Krazy | [ Reply to This ]
      i really enjoy this poem, for the fact that i have felt this way about the pain but i never really took it that far into cutting until i killed myself. this is a very good piece!
    | Posted on 2005-09-05 00:00:00 | by spanishvampress | [ Reply to This ]
      i liked the way u wrote it and the choice of words. ive written cutting poems b4 but havent seen on like this. this point of view is good. i liked it.
    | Posted on 2005-09-04 00:00:00 | by lil_gh0st_girl | [ Reply to This ]
      okay, i just want to start by saying that im not trying to be mean. lol, i hope it doesnt sound like i am.
    and second, im not like a great writter that is just putting you down lol, im not comparing it to anything, im just seeing what i think could be better.
    i hate it when poeple think im a mean snob..

    okay. well the point and subject is something is very popular.
    and you seem to have done a fairly good job of not making like everyone else.
    im not sure if you had a certain rhyming pattern or not but i would really like to see it re-written without rhyming. because in this perticual poem i think it would be so much more powerful.
    other then that.
    like i said. i would love to see it re-written to without rhyming. then, you wouldnt be under the .. boundries.. of having to find something that rhymes.

    just write what you feel.
    dont try and fit it into certain words.
    express yourself totally.
    dig deep within your feelings and dont just settle with words like pain.. what does that pain feel like?
    that way the reader will understand and feel what its like.
    Read others work.. i would suggest inspirit999
    he is a wonderful writter and explays a real skill for it.
    you can pick up alot from him.
    good job! keep them coming!
    jennifer
    | Posted on 2005-09-04 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]
      Seems like we might have something in common.. poems about this topic are writen about a lot.. But I do it to...

    Keep it Up

    ~Kimberley

    If you need help with anything just let me know and I will try and help the best I possibly can.
    | Posted on 2005-09-05 00:00:00 | by Blindly-N-Love | [ Reply to This ]


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