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    dots Submission Name: Thought-Bruiseddots

    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 60
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 840
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 397


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    My head pounds
    more thought-bruised than drunk.
    I've been thinking of you for days,
    and I can't stop even to sleep.
    Your face haunts my waking dreams,
    and when the sun stabs my eyes,
    I'll go look for you
    if I can figure out where boys
    who are more beautiful than dreams
    go on Saturday mornings.

    Submitted on 2004-04-16 02:51:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I liked the ingenuousness--of this piece--a hallmark of your style. I always admire how everything you say--- is so poetic---OR--is it that your poetry just echoes your words? No criticism, just compliments--so sorry, silver
    | Posted on 2004-04-18 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      ha! the last line is aweosme! this whole poem is great and love the idea of being thought bruised. great write
    | Posted on 2004-04-17 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Like all of the other commenters, I too love the ending lines...They are unexpected because no one would think to describe boys as beautiful even though they can be. That is what stands out...Kind of reminds me of the Eagles song...with the lines "After the boys of summer have gone."

    My only critique may be in the two uses of the word dream in such a small piece. "waking dream" is something that is seen time and time again in poetry.

    I love the words "thought-bruised"....very good turning of a phrase.
    | Posted on 2004-04-17 00:00:00 | by angela~ | [ Reply to This ]
      ha ha! this one was funny - didn't expect that from the title!
    i don't know any boys more beautiful than dreams, but if i did, he would probably have gone fishing (can't imagine why though - i've never fished for anything expect compliemnts in my entire life).
    | Posted on 2004-04-16 00:00:00 | by Judy | [ Reply to This ]
      This is right up there.
    Yearning and its attendant headache - classmates.
    Really eloquently done.
    For me:
    'I'll go looking for you' and
    'Go to on Saturday mornings'
    But disjointed also works...
    | Posted on 2004-04-16 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
      Very absorbing... I love the line

    'If I can figure out where boys
    Who are more beautiful than dreams
    Go on Saturday mornings'

    Impressed, as always. It happens to me too - when dream becomes a kind of addictive substance... and you can't stop to sleep.
    | Posted on 2004-04-16 00:00:00 | by Nightraven | [ Reply to This ]
      Sometimes I eat a culinary delight where the taste was interesting, but it was the aftertaste that really made it special. This poem is like that the afterthought lingers and grows more pleasant even if I can't remember the taste. Real virtuoso stuff. I wonder if you would write it the same way though...I mean, wouldn't punctuation and no capitals at the beginning of some lines help flow? Nonetheless, thundering applause for a great thought eloquently conveyed.
    | Posted on 2004-04-16 00:00:00 | by Lelik | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked it. a good poem, I like your word choice, but I have the feeling that you forgot a verb in the 9th line. but maybe thats just me German who doesn't understand it.
    | Posted on 2004-04-16 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]

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