Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • ES Magazine
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • Video Tutorials
  • RolePlay
  • 90% off Amazon
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Bookstore reflections......dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Lightbringer
    ASL Info:    25/M/under your couch
    Elite Ratio:    4.63 - 188/210/36
    Words: 248
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 207
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1765



    Description:
       This piece is exactly what the title implies. It was written at sunny table in a bookstore cafe after one of the most restless nights I've had in ages. I tried to transcribe it exactly as it is written in my journal but I can only hope nothing was lost in the translation. I bit sporadic in places but it's basically a dream journal with a slight poetic tinge. Let me know what you think


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBookstore reflections......dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Bookstore Reflections of a Restless Nights Sleep




    Sheetmetal cutouts
    of buildings I should know
    Dark and menacing tunnels
    to "hidden rooms" I shouldn't
    Electrical wires pulse ten thousand volts
    bastardizing the unprepared
    Manacles and granite
    Primal roars shake cobwebbed cielings
    a black clad figure in the corner
    not of the room but of my mind
    an image like a dead fish
    so slippery my mind can't hold it,
    yet.....without the gagging stench
    Eerie light with no discernable source
    drenches this "world" ( if it can be called one)
          in faux sun
    Footsteps have no sound in this place,
    it's when you stop your feet make the sounds
    an arcane chant, the mantra to the moment
    sung by voices of beings unseen
    in tongues long forgotten
    uneasyness.....spiderlike......skitters up my spine
    and I begin running on silent footsteps
    a sprint for life
    for sanity
    searching for a hint
    an arrow
    an escape
    The Eagles singing in my head
    I try stabbing the beast
    with my steely knife
    but I keep forgetting the next line.
    The nightman waves to me
    he has something to say
    ignoring him I pay my tab at the desk
    tip the bellboy and step through the door
    wind blows away all the images
    and the darkness resumes,
    followed eagerly by fear.
    I wake with a start
    opening my eyes to the room
    a cold sweat
    a warm kiss
    the morning sun
    and fear..........


    ~fin~




    Submitted on 2005-09-04 22:30:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Nice write - Great way of integrating the song into the poem - Great band by the way, the imagery in the piece is great -

    Favourite lines and images:
    "Sheetmetal cutouts"
    "Primal roars shake cobwebbed cielings"
    "an arcane chant, the mantra to the moment"


    Cool way of connecting the 2 senses
    "an image like a dead fish".

    A few mods (sugestions):
    "Footsteps have no sound in this place,"
    "Soundless footsteps"

    Then after "Sprinting.." the way the poem speed up (shorter lines)

    "a sprint for life
    for sanity
    searching for a hint
    an arrow
    an escape"

    Great write

    Kind regards
    Eric

    | Posted on 2005-09-05 00:00:00 | by bornx2000 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmm. Not bad. You can definatley tell it's a restless night's sleep. The kind where you toss and turn and fall asleep but think you're awake and your thoughts go in 84 different directions at once...
    I liked the fear at the end the best. It was so true. You don't feel better just because you wake up from a nightmare. You're still scared and your poem acurately portrays somebody who has gone through hell and back in their dreams and wakes up to find that hell is stil in their heads, scratching to get out.
    Great piece.
    :)
    | Posted on 2005-09-04 00:00:00 | by aletha_409 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    73169



    Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
    5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

    [ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

    Google
     

    [ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
    [ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .
    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry