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    dots Submission Name: The Trashed Lambdots

    Author: throughmyvoice
    ASL Info:    19/f/US of A
    Elite Ratio:    3.63 - 69/113/51
    Words: 213
    Class/Type: Poetry/Being a Teen
    Total Views: 819
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1343

       i am somewhat under influences of sorts right now so let us see how this affects my writing. all advice and comments appreciated except those that comment on my condition. my comment to those critiquers is that you may take your self-righteous prattle and stick it up back where you talked it from, and you may critique only on what you understand. stick to the poetry, please.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Trashed Lambdots

    Well they can't ever say she didn't party
    But they can say she didn't know when to stop
    and off came tops
    and pants dropped
    Yes, she definitely didn't know when to stop
    She threw her reality into an endless trash can
    Of booze and boys and even girls
    She tossed, so casually, her pride of body
    and gave in to being used and spurned
    Her life became dotted lines she had to read between
    and between the sheets is where she was
    and though she laughed off the hands and her clothes
    It burned down to one reason, and that reason, because
    Lost was the innocent little lamb
    Whose fleece was white as snow
    Where once upon a fairy tale
    Innocence was all it would know
    Innocently knowing, that all good things must end
    Ending the innocence that helped the lamb begin
    Sacrificing the lamb; and the only way of life it knew
    Paying a price,
    Caused by strife
    It should never have knew
    Having known that you can't go back to a time where you were truly happy
    She used her sorrow as an excuse for giving up responsibility
    and became irresponsible for her pain
    Painful though it was she let herself go
    and was
    Gone, and never, ever the same

    Submitted on 2005-09-05 02:30:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I was lost at times in the delivery of this, but I did get the message clearly. A young girl who is lost and depressed somehow in her young life, looking for an escape. She gets in over her head, so to speak, and loses all that is sacred, and can never be replaced - herself and her honor. "She threw her reality into an endless trashcan" was my favourite line though. I think we can all relate to that - we sometimes do prefer to avoid the reality of a situation and live a dream instead. I'm sure that the can of dead dreams is just as endless as that of the one of abandoned realities...cher
    | Posted on 2005-09-05 00:00:00 | by Inducted_Kitty | [ Reply to This ]
      read this four times now,its quite good but loses some of the rhythm towards the end the lines about the lamb dont have the same impact as the lines about her life do.I would change the line "It should never have knew"it doesnt sound grammatically correct from the line it leads from.maybe It should never have known i dunno but overall nice write
    | Posted on 2005-09-05 00:00:00 | by gd66uk | [ Reply to This ]
      ok ummm...
    its kinda hard to separate the chosen lifestyle from the poem itself... theyre intertwined so profusely...

    i want to start of by saying that when you write you need to OWN your words... make them work for you... make them your slaves if you like. while what you have written has been written by many ppl before you i feel that there is a posibility you could take this and make this into something that has never been seen before... i honestly do.

    it would seem there is some kinda attempt at rhyme or rhythm throughout this piece but because it is not persued right through the piece it kinda makes it hard to take some of your lines seriously... i do not say this in a harsh way (or do not mean for it to be taken so)

    i honestly feel like this is a brainmap of some sorts (or should be treated so)now you have all the ideas down you can restructure... take out some of the words and lines that dont really contribute to this write... the fewer the words and repetition in this case the more powerful the write would be i think...

    Well they can't ever say she didn't party
    But they can say she didn't know when to stop

    this introduces her to the reader really well... i am sure anyone reading this can think of someone who fits this description (and that association can help the reader to connect with the piece right from the outset and therefore you are more likely to hold their attention to the end...)

    i feel you need to think more about punctuation at the end of your lines... your got your commas and all throughout the lines but at the end theres no directions... to me punctuation is a direction - when to breath and what kinda breath... a quick breath to keep going or a long breath at a fullstop... just something to think about.

    personally i think after the line she laughed off the hands and her clothes this piece loses it for me... i know the focus of your write is the lambs innocence being lost but i think you are too blunt in the delievery of it... sometimes i think leaving something for the reader to read into... to find within what you are saying...

    man i dunno... i hope this comment has been of some kinda use... if you want any help with rewriting or anything get in touch... i honestly think this could be something more than all the other poems ive read like this...
    as for the content of the write... i think its sad... its a reality though and one that cannot be ignored... if this is autobiographical... if this is something you are facing in your life... i dont think it is too late to make it better...

    anyways... good luck with everything and if you ever need anything message me or something... take care of you
    | Posted on 2005-09-05 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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