Description: My dad left us so i wrote this. please write a comment on it of any sort it would be of help
World crash -------------------------------------------
Looked up at you since the day i was born
and now that you have left my heart is torn
all this paranoia just had me transformed
the darkness took over and the light is gone
Stared into your eyes and asked how could you do this
you left me so fast and harmed me so brutally
how come my feelings have all formed a mutiny
and now i live in this world of obscurity
You stare at my eyes tell me it was a joke
just wanted to see me lay around and mope
you cant throw me away just like i was some note
not when i have your own blood and i am your son
i like this a lot. the title really caught my eye. i knew right away you weren't talking about the actual world crash but YOUR world crashing. this really touched my heart. i know exactly how you feel. i can feel your hurt and your anger. this is excellent. my mother didn't want me.. so i can kind of relate and my father didn't want her. so yeah. if you ever need to talk just let me know. my s/n is v3nic3 qu33n.
the only thing i would work on if i were you is puncuation, capitilization and rhyming. your rhyming and rhythm is a bit off.
I think the flow was off a little, but the point still got across. I know how sad it can be when someone you love and respect ( asuming you respected him) leaves you out in the cold. It hurts. My daddy left me too.
Wow, I totally feel this. When my parents decided to separate (they later divorced) I was torn apart. My dad left, my whole world went with him. He was my best friend and then he just got up and walked out. I know it'd more complicated than that, but that's still how it feels. I hated him for it. FOr how he hurt me, how he left me. I loved this one, It captured the emotions, at least for me, really wonderfully.
i also know how you feel except my dads been gone since i was like four and ive only seen him twice since then. but i can realy feel your pain and anger in this poem. i realy liked it. but remember what dosent kill you only makes you stronger. maybe his leaving will make you a better person. so keep your head up.
i kno what ur going threw...my dad has left us for two weeks now. gone somewhere unknown to us. just keep safe and becareful. but yea i really liked this poem and the way it was written.
Submission Name: World crash
