gallery of strings -------------------------------------------
third eye is crying today
to know we connected at such high
awareness, longing for your heart
to speak your mind
missing the gentleness
of your soul
I imagined us as frightened warriors
tucked away from love's
hurricane eye, the stop-gap
measure where we died
like cool fools
unmistakable
in the center of my heart
the warmth of you
it wasn't long ago you came
as a wound, left side
off-center as though
your right to love
wasn't quite all there.
it didn't last long
the rapture was a fleeting
ghost town glimpse
a linen sheet dangled
hides the infamy you own.
This write is quite interesting. I've had so many different pictures in my head when i was reading this. Somehow, it looked more like a love poem turned bitter. Those are my thoughts. I loved the picture of frightened warriors. I could actually see those frightened warriors. That's my favorite part.
To be frank, you have such a wonderful title but your words behind this piece although to you may seem to run clear, to me because i have no description to think upon, i wonder what really are you talking about. You paint so many pictures that in a way, i lost track of the original message. It's like playing the game "Telephone" where one person say something at one line and it comes out lost in translation. That's how it felt.
I think to make the first line more captivating is to loose the "Is" in the piece. Makes it look a bit too simple and we kinda loose track of the wonder in the piece which it is in a way myserious and adventurous.
Your structure is way off balance. I don't know if you felt like taking line breaks so you just went on to the other but your ideas remained incomplete. Usually when line break occurs that means that the idea behind on stanza is complete. You kept breaking the lines as though you had the flow to do that.
Anyhow, overall, loved the idea behind it. You created such a wonderful world for us to read in that i think we can walk in it even after we've finished reading it. That's the atmosphere you've created for me at least. I enjoyed it very much. Thanks for sharing. Peace...Irina
Submission Name: gallery of strings
