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    dots Submission Name: gallery of stringsdots

    Author: amun
    Elite Ratio:    6.53 - 31/14/9
    Words: 123
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 770
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 892


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    dotsgallery of stringsdots

    third eye is crying today
    to know we connected at such high
    awareness, longing for your heart
    to speak your mind
    missing the gentleness
    of your soul

    I imagined us as frightened warriors
    tucked away from love's
    hurricane eye, the stop-gap
    measure where we died
    like cool fools

    in the center of my heart
    the warmth of you
    it wasn't long ago you came
    as a wound, left side
    off-center as though
    your right to love
    wasn't quite all there.

    it didn't last long
    the rapture was a fleeting
    ghost town glimpse
    a linen sheet dangled
    hides the infamy you own.

    someone cue the orchestra
    I don't wonder any more

    Submitted on 2005-09-06 03:08:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||

    This write is quite interesting. I've had so many different pictures in my head when i was reading this. Somehow, it looked more like a love poem turned bitter. Those are my thoughts. I loved the picture of frightened warriors. I could actually see those frightened warriors. That's my favorite part.

    To be frank, you have such a wonderful title but your words behind this piece although to you may seem to run clear, to me because i have no description to think upon, i wonder what really are you talking about. You paint so many pictures that in a way, i lost track of the original message. It's like playing the game "Telephone" where one person say something at one line and it comes out lost in translation. That's how it felt.

    I think to make the first line more captivating is to loose the "Is" in the piece. Makes it look a bit too simple and we kinda loose track of the wonder in the piece which it is in a way myserious and adventurous.

    Your structure is way off balance. I don't know if you felt like taking line breaks so you just went on to the other but your ideas remained incomplete. Usually when line break occurs that means that the idea behind on stanza is complete. You kept breaking the lines as though you had the flow to do that.

    Anyhow, overall, loved the idea behind it. You created such a wonderful world for us to read in that i think we can walk in it even after we've finished reading it. That's the atmosphere you've created for me at least. I enjoyed it very much. Thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2005-09-06 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]

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