"suicidal children left by themselves eyes shining with pleasure as the blood streams to the floor laughing in twisted joy as the paramedics close the door."
this poem is brilliant, particularly the lines above. i could literally see these Suicide Children laughing maniacally on a hospital bed as they bled to death, and the paramedics shaking their heads and closing the door with an ominous thud...
you invoke some really crazy emotions, and the imagery in this poem is really very good. i read some of your other work, and i thought i should tell you that i really am starting to look up to you as a writer. you're very talented.
I seriously cried when I read this. I have recently expirienced suicide through the eyes of my best friend and first boyfirend. I have not begun to understand why he did what he did but reading this poem brings me a little bit towards closure. Thaks again for your words of pain which help me to heal a little bit more every day! Ella
this si so intensely sad, i am so speachless right now. what a true way to look at it too. ppl turn their heads or lock up children/teens that act out, when all they need is a way out. if only ppl would realize that and help, it don't take much to make someone feel loved and wanted. but it does take a real human to do it, no some shrink who claims they are there. i honestly don't know what to say right now...amazing write
Wow. Everything about this is completely amazing. I love it. I would have cried if I wasn't on so much Celexa at the moment. The wording and flow are perfect. I love the rhyming. I cant compliment you enough. My favorite part was:
"suicidal children with razorblades and pills where others find sin. they find justified thrills."
That stuck out so much for me. I dont know why... I guess its the razorblades and pills that got me. Theyre two of my favorite things (if you couldnt already tell by the reference to the anti-depressants at the top of the comment). I also really liked the lines:
"suicidal children with eyes glowing red crying in the darkness overcome with fear whispering they're sorry over and over again"
I can't even explain how sad that is. Very nicely written though. Excellent job
I loved how you fit rhyming in this peice without it sounding like you tried too hard forcing words in there. Its like my hearts melody..Suicide Children.. hm.. i dont know what to say.. this is one of the best pieces..
the shadows are not as they seem they promise fame, they offer money, but give nothing at all. and the dreams oh, you'll never be rid of the dreams they will haunt you like the shadows from which you try to hide twisting your reality into a nightmare full of horrible screams
in the darkness they wait blending and mixing so you cannot see that they are there waiting for you to let your guard down your flesh and spirit they will tear so i tell you, shadows are security as long as you don't believe their lies or fall victim to there sanity shattering cries
if you cannot handle this tthen take this to thought never get lost in the dark you will lose your way and then you are theirs stay out of the desolate corners and the wide open and empty spaces and away from the paper blank faces what happens to you there is beyond all repair.
Elite Ratio: 2.87 - 16/46/6 Words: 174 Class/Type: Poetry/Death Total Views: 55 Average Vote: No vote yet. Bytes: 1366
Commentary type requested: Thoughts [ Recent comments given by mistakes. ]
Suicidal Children -
suicidal children with glowing red eyes sit bloody and bleeding waiting for the Reaper to come sweeping by so he'll take them away from their pain and release them from unimaginable shame.
suicidal children with such empty gazes lie unloved and alone no one to hold them tight no one to call their own no one to whisper everything's gonna be alright.
suicidal children filled with anger and fear walk dark streets hearts heavy with despair hiding themselves in the night knowing nothing's alright.
suicidal children with razorblades and pills where others find sin. they find justified thrills.
suicidal children left by themselves eyes shining with pleasure as the blood streams to the floor laughing in twisted joy as the paramedics close the door.
suicidal children with eyes glowing red crying in the darkness overcome with fear whispering they're sorry over and over again but no one will hear.
the suicidal children look up and then disappear the monster in their head finally got the best of them.
| Posted on 2006-03-21 | by misty_of_moon | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]
[ Edit ] [ Delete ] here is o reason fo mr to be here. i lost the will to live...what? i wish my lawn was emo so it would cut it'self th aim of [censored] is cagaffaran shimaru exagon migira laytasuchi-mo aranhamaa nicollonama it wa
w a s
o n l y
m i s t a k e
n e v e r
m e a n t
m a k e
y o u
c r y
s i g n e d
m i s t y
Misty | Posted on 2006-02-17 | by mistakes | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]
[ Edit ] [ Delete ] wow wonderful you structured this kinda oddly and you contradict yourself and i think you need some work and maybe yo ushould try re-thinking your approach to theshadow thing | Posted on 2006-01-04 | by misty_of_moon | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]
[ Edit ] [ Delete ] the shadows are not as they seem they promise fame, they offer money, but give nothing at all. I love these lines. I liked the whole poem, but I LOVE these lines. they are lines everyone can relate too. Cuz the shadows always look promising, like your going to get soo much out of them, when you always end up getting nothing, or worse... more heartache. | Posted on 2005-09-07 | by Drea | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]
[ Edit ] [ Delete ] very nice and glad you commented on poems as then i never would of read this. untitled poems ae alwaz good becvause the readers mind doesnt get blocked thanx sandman | Posted on 2005-09-02 | by sandman | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]
[ Edit ] [ Delete ] Wow... thats really deep. I try my best not to get lost in the dark, I think I do a good job at it too. I like it. I dont get parts but hey, i dont get alot of thing. so good Job. | Posted on 2005-09-02 | by Drea | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]
[ Edit ] [ Delete ] hi, great write, yes the shadow of dreams are our dreams of shadows. i see the link. tom | Posted on 2005-09-01 | by poetotoe | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]
[ Edit ] [ Delete ] hey this poetry reminds me of my own and i do applaud you for getting your words across well in my opinion... i would recommend you look over it though and make it a little elss wordy...bnot that anythings wrong with wordy (trust me I write those all the time) but it might make it easier to get lost...if you woulkdl ike to reaad or coment on any of my poetry feel free to-martinimadelvr | Posted on 2005-08-01 | by MartiniMadeLvr | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]
[ Edit ] [ Delete ] I like this a lot. It's so dark and pretty. Great wording. I think that everything you said is true. I have nothing but compliments for this. I especially like the end:
"stay out of the desolate corners and the wide open and empty spaces and away from the paper blank faces what happens to you there is beyond all repair."
All the descriptions are excellent. Love it. Great job
-nikkki | Posted on 2005-07-27 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]
[ Edit ] [ Delete ] Hello.. Welcome to Elite.. Looks like youve made some enemies already.. Oh well.. Such is life, right? I liked this piece.. I think its pretty cool.. I havent slept in a while so im not so sure about coherency and everything.. But that doesnt mean i dont have opinions on it 'eh? Punctuation aside this is pretty good.. The middle stanza absolutely rocked! I'm not the best on catching meaning in other's works but i think the 2nd stanza sums it up nicely. If i were to rewrite this (As if i did write this) I would minus the other two stanzas and edit like this..
In the darkness, they wait. Blending Mixing You cannot see. They are there Waiting For you to let your guard down. Your flesh Your spirit They will tear.
So i say unto you, Shadows are security. As long as you don't Believe their lies. As long as you don't Fall victim To their sanity shattering cries.
At least thats what i would do.. Add more form and proof it up a wee bit..
And ignore the prejudice of the gentleman below me, he judges your work by how he feels about your character.. There is nothing wrong with being gothic as long as you are always true to yourself.
And that isnt a true comment, btw solemnpen, that is an attack. Ratio M. Ducet III | Posted on 2005-07-25 | by Ratiomeducet | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]
[ Edit ] [ Delete ] and then you are theirs
who do i belong to if i get lost in the "shadows of security" sounds like im getting arrested for trying to kill bush when i should get a parade.. i see a little of the point your trying to get across. it seems like your telling people to stay in the light. well this poem didnt add up to much, but i guess its just me i think the whole gothic thing is kinda lame, no i take that back its more like a preschool game, that people play, because they are to scared to cope with reality, dressed in black, for what? just to show everybody you got a yellow streak going down your back??? cmon now stand up and be a woman, tell the world where to go and how long to stay, dont become pathetically lost in the "shadows of security" im sorry but im blunt, i dont make excuses nor do i like them for anything including poetry and life.
sorry for your first true comment........ but i callem how i see em solemnpen | Posted on 2005-07-24 | by solemnpen | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]
[ Edit ] [ Delete ] A very nice flow - the whole piece. "and the dreams oh, you'll never be rid of the dreams they will haunt you like the shadows from which you try to hide twisting your reality into a nightmare full of horrible screams" these are excellent lines - they really stood out for me - been there...and many a night still am haunted... Although I welcome the dark and never feel lost, I could feel what you were saying and I really like this... Nice write - looking forward to more Lisa | Posted on 2005-07-24 | by ravenwolf68 | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]
[ Edit ] [ Delete ] oh and welcome to eliteskills! im sure you are already enjoying it and the people here are really cool.. they give good critques and you rarely ever get a rude comment from someone:) again welcome! ~*~amber~*~ | Posted on 2005-07-24 | by rocknpoetrychik | [ Reply to This ] [ PM ]
[ Edit ] [ Delete ] oh i really liked this.. i loved the ending a lot! you need to fix the double 't' on then.. but that is the only thing you need to fix! great work .. i hope to see more from you
~*~amber~*~ feel free to read one of my poems and comment;)
This was a chilling piece, pretty dark. These "suicide children" i tahe it are the homeless, orphaned and unloved children who dark alleys and lifeless streets are their home, my heart weeps for them. This was a powerful piece I really liked this stanza:
"suicidal children with razorblades and pills where others find sin. they find justified thrills."
The rhyme here is amazing. Kuddos on a job well done my thoughts have ben provoked and I thank you for that.