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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Puzzle Piece Lostdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 115
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1076
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 754



    Description:
       I changed a couple of words here: it used to be "missing from her tattered womb" and "puddles of blood in a white room" wasn't there. Should I leave it or change it back?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Puzzle Piece Lostdots
    -------------------------------------------


    He was that puzzle piece
    you find a week
    after the puzzle is finished.
    She loved him
    would have loved him
    with all but a golden ring,
    but she already had one.
    She loved her husband,
    but that other man persisted
    vowed to have her
    even at the cost of death.
    Eventually he wore away
    the chain mail covering her heart.
    She loved them both;
    then, she loved neither.
    She died ashamed
    of feeling too much love;
    she wasn't that type of woman.
    She died with a puzzle piece
    torn from her tattered womb
    puddles of blood in a white room,
    a child that could have been
    black or white
    in 1952.




    Submitted on 2005-09-06 23:53:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      this is great...i love the idea of the other man being a puzzle piece...you find a week later...and the lines you added are perfect...i hadn't read it before but i'm not sure it would of read aswell before...purps
    | Posted on 2006-01-06 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is powerful
    Were you relating this write to the recent death of Rosa Parks
    I believe but im not sure of this one that you were talking about the struggles of racial equality

    At least that is what i saw in this write
    Avery excellent job


    And thanks for the recent comments I appreciate them very much
    Looking forward to more writes from you
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-11-12 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      this is a beautiful, and depressing piece. It brought back memories and broke my heart. The metaphores in the piece were, as I've come to expect in your work. origional and captivating/ quite visual. god bless
    | Posted on 2005-09-19 00:00:00 | by cainboy | [ Reply to This ]
      whoa

    major goosebumps. I love when that happens! So sad and so profound. DO NOT change this. The part you question is exactly where the goosebumps hit me. Eerie and tragic and deep, these words cut to the heart of the subject at hand and it is one that is happening everyday but in shadows. You bring it out into the light and let us all experience the pain of it. How much more powerful can written words be?
    | Posted on 2005-09-12 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      This drew me in...sucked me in. I loved it...the succinctness of it. I sense the wrestle of the conscience that went on witht he woman. I love the last two lines. A different style for you Cuddle and I liked it.

    Thanks for sharing
    Kate
    xxxx
    | Posted on 2005-09-11 00:00:00 | by elephantasia | [ Reply to This ]
      oh wow, this is so cool. I would leave it exactly as it is. who is this about? it seems like it could be about some mysterious writer torn between two men. very compelling. I would only suggest more specifics and maybe a clue as to who you are writing about if it's someone real. this was great though. I loved the ending you chose.
    | Posted on 2005-09-10 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      I think 'torn' is better than 'missing'; torn sounds more brutal. And whether to leave off or insert 'puddles of blood...' depends on whether you use 'missing' or 'torn'.
    If it's 'torn',then 'puddles...' should be in. But if you use 'missing',then leave 'puddles...' out.
    Good write!
    | Posted on 2005-09-07 00:00:00 | by Maverique | [ Reply to This ]
      Aww. Talk about lots of symbolic meaning in this. I love the simple format and the no punctuation. It doesn't need it because the impact of the words and phrases are excellent enough. I like how you said that the other guy was the lost puzzle piece, someone she could've loved but came too late. I think about stuff like that sometimes. Good symbolism there. I like how you said that love killed her. She didn't know which way to turn. She was confused and as I took it, with child. In 1952 that type of thing was frowned upon. I really like this because you don't tell us that it's a black man and a white man until the end. I really enjoyed this as it is. Great job sis! :) *Hugs* Definitely a fav.

    -blt
    | Posted on 2005-09-07 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      A very moving piece. Sad, yet real. It portrays a very delicate subject, especially for back in that time. You've brought it out in a heartfelt and compelling write.

    I think "torn" instead of "missing" fits that line better. I'd leave it. And also keep "puddles of blood in a white room.

    I'm not sure I understand the "chainmail" part.. but this write is interesting and thought provoking.

    Nice work.
    ~Sandra
    | Posted on 2005-09-07 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a very sad story. You do an effective job here portraying her. I like the way you begin it with the puzzle piece metaphor and come back to it in the end. My only suggestion for change would be

    'black or white
    and it was 1952'

    to 'black or white in 1952'

    But feel free to take it or leave it. Good work here.

    Peace,

    Joe
    | Posted on 2005-09-07 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      I didnt read the first write on this. I think it's pretty clear as to what your referring to. Very sad indeed, and it graphically portrays the message. I like the style and form you used. No extra lines thrown in to confuse the issue. The fifties was a harrowing time for many. Very well written, Amy.
    Carol
    | Posted on 2005-09-07 00:00:00 | by wannabe1 | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this is much clearer, in the first version I didn't get the abortion reference, but now, it's all there. I don't know what I'm doing, I just read these things and write to people..

    I think it works now, Amy and says what you intended. Thanks for letting me know about the edit.
    Nan

    | Posted on 2005-09-07 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      You create a hesitation here that illustrates confusion. I had to read it the second time because I thought, Amy girl's lost it. The style is perfect for the cause, so I'm not worried. And then the reference to the year makes it al the more intriguing. The child, either black or white. I just read some work by Langston Hughes born in Joplin, MO who was mulatto. He even addresses that idea in the piece I read. Beautiful soul , just like yours, thanks love,
    Nan

    P.S. poets come in every color..
    | Posted on 2005-09-07 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. While I was reading it, I was thinking that it sounded like something from several years ago. Excellent story... it's so sad though. I don't see anything that I think needs tweaking. I'm sure I probably told you before, but you are really talented. As always, great job

    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2005-09-07 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      <jaw drops> okay. this is beautiful. Poignant. I don't, as a rule, approve of things that involve affairs, or the such-like, but the story told here in just afew words is so heartbreaking that I can't help but applaud your storytelling. There are, perhaps, a few things that could be tweaked here and there, but I certainly couldn't enumerate them, and I think, nor could you, without a few days or weeks to let it stew and separate itself from your immediate consciousness, so the attachment is not so great.
    | Posted on 2005-09-07 00:00:00 | by Athalia | [ Reply to This ]


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