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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: along the road...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: melancholymaid
    ASL Info:    24/female/Tennessee
    Elite Ratio:    3.64 - 112/136/34
    Words: 44
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 702
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 309



    Description:
       a short one
    i just wanted to post something


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsalong the road...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Along the road and in exile
    There were eyes watching.

    Green and blue-
    Cold and cruel.

    Narrow glare.
    Solemn stare.

    I know one day I will return there.

    [Prison song.
    Prisms raw in loose sermons:
    I have seen the key.]




    Submitted on 2005-09-07 12:28:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I enjoyed this peice a lot. Unlike Gadfly, I got a powerful image of looking through a keyhole and seeinga beautiful white light [from 'prism'], the 'key' being a realization of some sort, the sort being how you intepret the poem, kind of a look back on something you've done wrong and wish to change [from 'prison']. It was Nice. One thing I'd advice is varying your punctuation. for example:
    "Along the road and in exile
    There were eyes watching.

    Green and blue -
    Cold and cruel.

    Narrow glare.
    Solemn stare.

    I know one day I will return there.

    [Prison song.
    Prisms raw in loose sermons:
    I have seen the key.]"

    Only a couple of changes, but that's just a suggestion on how I would have executed it. Feel free not to take it up.
    A good write
    Regards ~ Uriel
    | Posted on 2005-09-29 00:00:00 | by Uriel | [ Reply to This ]
      The bracketed "Prison song" reference lost me in relation to the rest of the poem. The first segment was easily understood without it. You wrote a fine poem.
    | Posted on 2005-09-08 00:00:00 | by The Gadfly | [ Reply to This ]


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