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    dots Submission Name: along the road...dots

    Author: melancholymaid
    ASL Info:    24/female/Tennessee
    Elite Ratio:    3.64 - 112/136/34
    Words: 44
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 702
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 309

       a short one
    i just wanted to post something

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsalong the road...dots

    Along the road and in exile
    There were eyes watching.

    Green and blue-
    Cold and cruel.

    Narrow glare.
    Solemn stare.

    I know one day I will return there.

    [Prison song.
    Prisms raw in loose sermons:
    I have seen the key.]

    Submitted on 2005-09-07 12:28:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      I enjoyed this peice a lot. Unlike Gadfly, I got a powerful image of looking through a keyhole and seeinga beautiful white light [from 'prism'], the 'key' being a realization of some sort, the sort being how you intepret the poem, kind of a look back on something you've done wrong and wish to change [from 'prison']. It was Nice. One thing I'd advice is varying your punctuation. for example:
    "Along the road and in exile
    There were eyes watching.

    Green and blue -
    Cold and cruel.

    Narrow glare.
    Solemn stare.

    I know one day I will return there.

    [Prison song.
    Prisms raw in loose sermons:
    I have seen the key.]"

    Only a couple of changes, but that's just a suggestion on how I would have executed it. Feel free not to take it up.
    A good write
    Regards ~ Uriel
    | Posted on 2005-09-29 00:00:00 | by Uriel | [ Reply to This ]
      The bracketed "Prison song" reference lost me in relation to the rest of the poem. The first segment was easily understood without it. You wrote a fine poem.
    | Posted on 2005-09-08 00:00:00 | by The Gadfly | [ Reply to This ]

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