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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Insecuritiesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: sweet_innocence
    ASL Info:    25/f/canada
    Elite Ratio:    3.76 - 59/75/22
    Words: 270
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 747
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1436



    Description:
       Ok. I really don't think this poem is any good. I actually think it sucks but I got told to post it. So if there are any tips or things I should change tell me. I also wrote this for someone he knows who he is(love you).


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsInsecuritiesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Through his insecurities
    She can see
    That his trust for her is beyond her reach
    His insecurities tempt him to push her away
    Even though in his heart he wants her to stay
    His love for her might be strong
    But his insecurities are just as long
    His insecurities have her doubt herself
    When with those insecurities he should doubt himself
    Soon he will have himself see
    That when he is ready he can let it be
    His heart will know
    That when he is he will be able to show
    His love for her will be true
    The feelings he has will know it soon
    He needs to know her love for him will never change
    Even when he pushes her away
    She will always be there when he needs her
    When he needs to talk he can always turn to her
    He has her shoulder when he wants to cry
    He has her love with each day that goes by
    She will give him the space and time he needs
    Just as long as her love is what he can see
    Her love for him will always remain the same
    That is the one thing he will never be able to change
    Her heart is his in every which way
    All she wants him to know is her love for him is all she needs
    That she can even deal with his insecurities
    Will it be the beat of her heart for him to see?
    That her love for him is all he really needs




    Submitted on 2005-09-07 15:22:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i can def. relate to this. it sucks when you love someone and they just dont believe you... or they won't allow themselves to accept it...this is really touching.. and i hope it gets resolved! the rhyming works.. but i must say its a little long...it might be more powerful if you narrowed it a little? i dunno. good luck!
    | Posted on 2005-09-07 00:00:00 | by hmmmm... | [ Reply to This ]
      well, here's a poem that is strictly passion. i can see now what you mean when you say i have nothing to be worried about. but i have one question, what are you doubting yourself about. it seems odd that you will doubt yourself and not say what it is. but i guess we both have things that we need to sit and talk about. now, about the poem itself. it is very well thought out, the writting is good. and like stormy said, the rhyme is off but it makes up for it in the over all message. the delivery is right there and in your face. i like it and wouldn't change anything about it. and i'm going to say this many times again. i'm sorry and i love you
    | Posted on 2005-09-07 00:00:00 | by frozenflame | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like this and some of the lines are fantastic...however i think you lose some of the power it begins with through forced ryhme...but thats just my thoughts :) this is where i think the strength of the poem lies at the start:

    Through his insecurities
    She can see
    That his trust for her is beyond her reach
    His insecurities tempt him to push her away
    Even though in his heart he wants her to stay
    His love for her might be strong
    But his insecurities are just as long
    His insecurities have her doubt herself


    although there are still many good lines throughout... i also feel that you dont need to use the word insecurities quite so many times...but overall it is a good write ...
    | Posted on 2005-09-07 00:00:00 | by stormyskies | [ Reply to This ]
      My only criticism of this piece is the endless use of the word "insecurities." If you substitute other words like:

    "doubts," "uncertainty," "fears," "misgivings," "inhibitions," etc.

    The tone of the piece is quite good.
    | Posted on 2005-09-08 00:00:00 | by The Gadfly | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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    January 10 07
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