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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Progress Expressdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Catalist
    ASL Info:    27/M/MN
    Elite Ratio:    5.05 - 20/18/10
    Words: 232
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 986
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1495



    Description:
       A poem about free will, the ability and method of choosing your life's essence.

    Dedicated to Sean Kennedy of Rant.tv (for info on viewing his shows see my 'Review-Type Rig')

    Thanks to K for prodding me into production


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Progress Expressdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Time is a thing, or it is not
    but we must work with what we've got

    Whatever's taught in your tribe or sect:
    All that matters is net effect

    “Don't look where it's now, look where it's going”
    Look at yourself and see what is showing.

    Drink river's flow, breathe the wind blowing
    All to be learned is here for the knowing.

    What comes in Your 'future' is what you decide
    Memory's what You hold onto inside

    And what is gained from another's eye,
    A cache of ideas we want to apply

    We make up 'the World' we categorize
    As so much greater than we are in size.

    So hard to see the self in disguise
    Except for the honest, the keen, and the wise.

    For observation on terms that we please
    we manufacture impressive machines

    Ones so grand we just cannot stand
    the idea of pulling the plug with our hand

    We cannot decide if we live or it dies
    As long as confusion on this point presides

    Do we want the job, or want the job done?
    Is this work or maybe we're just having fun?

    Feeding addictions we knew not we had,
    Defending convictions we're not sure are bad

    There's only one way to get where we go:
    Consistent intention. I pray you will know.




    Submitted on 2005-09-07 17:41:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Thanks for the pm, might not have found this otherwise. Although to be honest, I can't see the connection with physics too clearly in this piece. There are some good points made in amongst all the moralising, such as thinking about the effects of actions rather than just blindly following rules or precedure, which i think is what you're getting at here:
    "Whatever's taught in your tribe or sect:
    All that matters is net effect
    &#8220;Don't look where it's now, look where it's going&#8221;

    I agree with Ted that occasionally the rhymes seem a bit forced. Try not to worry so much about structure and just concentrate on getting the basic ideas across before adding rhyme etc.

    The last 6 stanzas are good in that they ask questions and force your audience to reflect on their own, modern lives. And the last line 'i pray you will know' is probably the most effective in the poem because it makes a real effort to 'reach out' to the reader. The rest of the poem is a bit aloof for my liking, preaching your message without transmitting a lot of emotion.But it is very thought-provoking, thanks for sharing. Tulip xxx
    | Posted on 2005-09-11 00:00:00 | by tulip | [ Reply to This ]
      A very insightful piece. I really thought the following passage was powerful and so true:

    "Feeding addictions we knew not we had,
    Defending convictions we're not sure are bad

    There's only one way to get where we go:
    Consistent intention.
    I pray you will know."

    Sometimes people really do attack things because they feel that they are wrong, but then again, they aren't sure are wrong. People do change their minds, but somtimes opinions can be based on predjudices and the environment in which people grew up. Like you said: "Whatever's taught in your tribe or sect."

    What we are taught when we are young really does change our opinions of the world when we grow older.

    "What comes in Your 'future' is what you decide
    Memory's what You hold onto inside" ~This is a very cool line of poetry. Memories, we do hold onto inside, and we must cling on to them, for how else are we to know what we did wrong, how to adjust, and make a better future for ourself. Memories are the tools that shape our future.

    This poem has given me reason to pause and contemplate. A lot of the messages are buried within it i think. I think i have only scratched the surface of your deeper meanings.
    | Posted on 2005-09-10 00:00:00 | by Linksquest | [ Reply to This ]
      Minor things to tweak:
    1] would make the following adjustment: "We make up 'the World' we categorize"
    2] combine last two lines to keep form - so last stanza would appear:
    "There's only one way to get where we go:
    Consistent intention. I pray you will know."

    Believe this not to be natural - in places the rhyme seems contrived for its sake alone. The title introduces a theme - forced rhyme detracts from it.

    Also using couplets as you have creates a staccato - is that the effect you wanted?

    my opinions only - uncreaTED
    | Posted on 2005-09-11 00:00:00 | by uncreaTED | [ Reply to This ]


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