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    dots Submission Name: Nature and Nigtmaresdots

    Author: daniel05
    ASL Info:    16/male/LA
    Elite Ratio:    6.11 - 92/52/7
    Words: 105
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 735
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 695

       Just a few thoughts... Not really trying to hit anything on the head, just wanting to put a feel to a few things, and see where it got me..

    Hope you enjoy

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNature and Nigtmaresdots

    The sanction put on life
    To uphold it, to pray at night
    Is drilled into our heads, again and again
    Not knowing, if we are going to lose or win

    The wind blows and the rain appears
    The dark clouds come and go, so does fear
    Nature shows it's own fury, without deception
    Nightmares and dark streets conjure perception

    To think
    To dream
    To act
    To blink
    Life's mean

    Some think about it, others dream of it
    To act against it, is easier than a blink
    But with the presence of common perception
    Nature and nightmares produce deception

    Submitted on 2005-09-07 17:53:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      hey daniel. this is quite an interresting read. i don't knnow if you are locked in a certain line restriction here. but i think it would look better if you made the first stanza five lines .. line shift after going ..

    in your thiurd stanza .. life's mean .. that's that all about .. .. life is a big word and a tiny little word like mean should never sit next to it in a context like this .. surely .. .. could it not just be ... life .. just that ..

    in your last stanza i was wondering what it was .. how it looked and whatnot. got be well off on a sidetrack that I guess you didn't really intend .. and well most peopel don't like the wee garden path so its a good thing to snipp those off. ..the it seems real unecessary here .. why not just .. some think, others dream, / to act , easier than a blink'

    both at the start and at the end of this poem I have a feeling that you are talking about faith .. there is this .. loose ...indistinguished it in the start as well. the notion of loosing or winning seems to indicate a notion offighting .. but then in your last stanza you say ; in the presence of common perception .. which leads to deception in nature and nightmares. When I read this poem it makes me think that you are saying that this it .. when it is manifested in common perception it manifests itself in our dreams .. into nightmares ..and even infects your perception of nature .. iwth the indication of praying at bed i can only assume that you are talking about faith in your nation .. and faith in the religion forced down your throat my the state ... these are the very architecture to box your skull in and nut you up ..that's kind of nice if that is what you are saying. .. One way to make it clearer what it is .. might be to change the title to something that describes .. or is a word for it .. like faith .. nationalism .. orientalism (west on east superiority complex .. western sociologic self justifications ... .. or whatever it is that the it is to you .
    | Posted on 2005-11-04 00:00:00 | by x-ianhoyskolt | [ Reply to This ]
      This my friend I think paint a really good understanding of the devistation done by Hurricane Katrina. But I cannot believe that nature is deceptive. Mother nature is a beautiful entity with a very vengeful side. She will take her vengeance out on those who take advantage of her generosity, and with her storms she tells us truths about who we are as humans. I think of it as a lesson that we just can't learn.

    A very nice piece.
    Brightest Blessings,
    | Posted on 2005-09-07 00:00:00 | by lenotoire | [ Reply to This ]
      i really like how this is formed with the rhyme scheme and the sudden break in stanza. I love the use of the to think to dream... in the last stanza. It was very Sestina like and brings things together.

    Then I wondered. If you could do it there, why not the rest of the poem. Now you may not want to for this poem, and that's fine. But I think it would be a great adventure for you to try a tie in like you did in sections 3 and 4 throughout a poem.

    the only other thing that bothers me, and it really could just be me is "Life's mean." That line just doesn't sit well with me, and the only things i could think of would be to add ing to mean of move it to right be for the to's and change it Life Means. But then that might change what you want it to sound like. So take it leave, it's just my opinion.

    Good job
    | Posted on 2005-09-07 00:00:00 | by qualitybait | [ Reply to This ]

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