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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Such An Awful Tragedydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Blindly-N-Love
    ASL Info:    17/F
    Elite Ratio:    4.61 - 197/141/29
    Words: 234
    Class/Type: Poetry/Broken
    Total Views: 203
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1534



    Description:
       I'm still working on this.. I have done more work on this poem than any before.. I want it to have meaning, but Im a lil loss on words.. Please help!! ANY ADVICE IS WANTED.. Dont be too brutal because its still a baby.. THNX


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSuch An Awful Tragedydots
    -------------------------------------------


    Everyday she is seen walking home,
    Just another day alone.
    School days can get so hard for her,
    People laugh at her, and call her a "nerd."

    She walks alone in between classes,
    Getting tripped as they stepped on her glasses.
    A guy who thinks he is so cool,
    Trips her and calls her a "clumbsy fool."

    Her books sprawled across the floor,
    Ignoring their laughter and her knees that are sore.
    She gathers them all in her arms,
    And just like any other day, she walks on.

    A lunch she sits behind the dumpster's end,
    Wishing for many seconds, that she had a friend.
    But the dream ends short, just like a flash,
    With kids throwing their garbage, making it splash.

    Holding back their laughter, the teachers pretend not to see.
    He days go on, such an awful tragedy.
    Her straight A's turn into B's and C's,
    Her perfect attendence turned into absences.

    No one sems to notice, no one seems to care,
    No one ever notices, she's no longer there.
    What happened to this broken angel?
    She was so sweet and fragile.

    How could no one notice?
    How could no one care?

    She lays at home, hopeless.
    Wondering why no one could be nice.
    Finally with someone who loves her,
    She always could count on her mother.

    Wrapped in the wings of an angel..




    Submitted on 2005-09-08 19:43:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i think unicron (he spelt the real name wrong) did a pretty good job giving you the low down so i'm just gonna say what i think

    i think it is a very nice poem... it goes from point a to point b with no struggle and is about an intresting subject.

    concidering the context i am sort of surprised cutting didn't show up in it some where... but hey thats a goo sign

    thats all i think

    i like it

    on the flipside
    | Posted on 2005-11-02 00:00:00 | by milo stills | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey I just read your poem, Pehaps I could send you a few pointers that could help to make it better. So lets go though it step by step.

    Everyday she is seen walking home,
    Just another day alone.
    School days can get so hard for her,
    People laugh at her, and call her a "nerd."

    (This part looks good. you don't have to revise it unless you really want to.)

    She walks alone in between classes,
    Getting tripped as they stepped on her glasses.
    A guy who thinks he is so cool,
    Trips her and calls her a "clumbsy fool."

    (here you can emphasize the girl's delima by changing the first sentance.) (Alone she walks between classes.)

    Her books sprawled across the floor,
    Ignoring their laughter and her knees that are sore.
    She gathers them all in her arms,
    And just like any other day, she walks on.

    (This passage seems ok, you can change it if you like but its one of thsoe pasages that has good emphaiss either way.)

    A lunch she sits behind the dumpster's end,
    Wishing for many seconds, that she had a friend.
    But the dream ends short, just like a flash,
    With kids throwing their garbage, making it splash.

    (this section could use some revamping... Here is what I suggest see if you like it or if it sparks some ideas.)

    At lunch she hides from the scrutiny of others at the dumpster's end,
    Wishing for many seconds, that she had a friend.
    But her dreams come to a sudden end, just like a flash,
    With kids throwing their garbage, making it splash.

    (the next phase works, I only made two changes. One being a typo.)

    Holding back their laughter, the teachers turn a blind eye.
    Her days go on, such an awful tragedy.
    Her straight A's turn into B's and C's,
    Her perfect attendence turned into absences.

    (finaly, the last remaing phrases I took a look at and made a few suggestions to emphasize the destituion of the girl.)

    No one sems to notice,
    no one seems to care,
    No one ever notices,
    she's no longer there.
    What happened to this broken angel?
    She was so sweet and fragile.

    How could no one notice?
    How could no one care?

    At home she lies, hopeless, destitute.
    Wondering why no one could be nice.
    Finally with someone who loves her,
    She always could count on her mother.

    Wrapped in the wings of an angel..

    (Final note, none of thes suggestions have to be taken seriously they are only here to help encourage you and promote refinement. So just tell me what you think.)
    | Posted on 2005-09-11 00:00:00 | by Unicrom | [ Reply to This ]



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