BLUE TIME by joeym1962

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: BLUE TIME dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	joeym1962
ASL Info:	43 / m / oh
Elite Ratio:	5.2 - 83/75/27
Words:	63

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	240
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	411

Description:
What are you looking for in terms of feedback? Any background information behind the piece? Hints? Is this just to vent? Emotional state while writing?

BLUE TIME dots

-------------------------------------------

my heart bleeds
when i am away from you
every moment and eternity
i can't come inside your world
you block the way
for reasons you won't tell

there is a child inside me
warring to be with you
screaming and ranting every moment
that we are apart
yet i can't tell you this
can't begin to open my heart to you

Submitted on 2005-09-09 23:17:41 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  A very interesting piece. I think that you hit on something there at the end, saying "yet, can't tell you this can't begin to open my heart to you," as before the speaker was complaining that the other person "block the way." The speaker, while complaining that the other person will not let the speaker into the person's life, is not opening his heart to the person.

I think you really captured the emotion of frustration and the feeling of helplessness here. It does seem like an impossible situation.

One thing you might have to beware of is spelling: "warring to be with you." Did you mean "wanting"?

You have some strong emotions and i think that they did emphasize how real the emotions the speaker is having, are.

Good job.
| Posted on 2005-09-10 00:00:00 | by Linksquest | [ Reply to This ]
  The theme is very good. I like some of the words you choose because this would mean something different if the words weren't choosen this way. The one that hit me after my second read was "she won't tell." Sometimes we think won't and can't are interchangable, But here if you put can't, then it could mean that this girl does not know what to tell, or something is forcing her not to. But by picking won't, you really help your poem along. With won't it is her choice not to tell or share. She is in control of the action she chooses. But the other character refers to his actions as can't. I love it when these small words can make a huge difference in a poem.

The only thing I would suggest is make the piece flow just a little better. I kind of felt the piece was unfinished when I got to the end. It was almost like it needed one more line, or stanza. I'm not sure, maybe something to connect the feelings of the two stanzas before.

thank you for sharing.
| Posted on 2005-09-10 00:00:00 | by qualitybait | [ Reply to This ]
  this is very methayphoric for me / like a child snooping around want to know whats in the christmas box / on the other hand / it sounds like some stories are not ment to be told - this feeling comes off at the very end of the poem / other then that ../. i think its a good peice.
Janus
| Posted on 2005-09-15 00:00:00 | by J W I | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.