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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: rocketships collidedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: She Is Insane
    Elite Ratio:    3.21 - 40/60/32
    Words: 371
    Class/Type: Poetry/Romance
    Total Views: 1735
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1544



    Description:
       My poor attempt in poetry.
    I'm not a poet, I'm a fic
    writer.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsrocketships collidedots
    -------------------------------------------


    we're so different,
    so alike, similar,
    us.
    we
    are more opposites
    than anything.
    different species?
    another breed:
    me
    and
    you.
    we
    contrast
    more than,
    compare.

    but
    even
    so

    Our worlds c l a s h
    in a explosive collision,
    (where?
    when?)
    leaving chaos,
    piles and piles
    of mess;

    this is all

    because of the
    way you are
    the way you are.
    how you carry:
    yourself like a trend.
    faded jeans,
    untrimmed beard,
    uncombed hair,
    hazelnut eyes,
    (yes
    you're a mess.)
    its the way,
    the way you handle yourself,
    so different
    from the others,
    so direct.
    but
    its not the way
    the way you roll
    a blunt,
    the way you touch,
    feel, see, listen
    or
    the way you
    share the same
    dreams&goals
    as me.
    or
    the way you insist
    in walking;
    hand-in-hand.

    you and me
    are from different
    parts of space,
    but
    even rocketships
    c o l l i d e.
    in space once
    in awhile.





    Submitted on 2005-09-10 19:42:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I love it! I luv the wording, and even though all of it doesn't rhyme, it's original, and the flow fits perfectly. This is one of the best poems I have seen on Elite!
    I know it sez not to give only compliments, but I loved the darned thing!
    And my favorite was the last line:
    "you and me are from differnet parts of space,
    but even rocket ships c o l l i d e in space once in a while."

    Good Job!

    ~Cruella DeVille~
    | Posted on 2005-09-17 00:00:00 | by Avril54 | [ Reply to This ]
      "you and me are from different parts of space, but even rocketships c o l l i d e. in space once
    in awhile."

    I liked that. A nice and powerful ending to this piece. The format, in my opinion, hurts this piece.

    Our worlds c l a s h
    in a explosive collision,
    (where?
    when?)
    leaving chaos,
    piles and piles
    of mess;

    Another fun moment. THis was a fairly original approach at this topic matter.

    Spoken
    | Posted on 2005-09-16 00:00:00 | by spoken | [ Reply to This ]
      well i decided to read this one first out of all the poems you have posted cause the title caught my eye.. and i'm glad i did.

    i'll start with what got in my way of reading it cause i always like to get that out of the way first.. the one word sentences seem a bit excessive to me.. i've always thought that they should be used very carefully in poetry and you have 15 in this poem (if i counted correctly).. a few of them i would see as justified but i can't understand why you would put a word like 'or' on one line.

    as for the lines 'where?/when?' - they border on spoonfeeding the reader what you want them to think.. sometimes it's nice to give the reader a bit of leeway to simply explore your words the best way they know how.
    and lastly i'm not too sure about 'dreams&goals'.. the use of the symbol and the lack of spaces threw me off a bit.. although i couldnt give you a coherent reason why.

    that said.. i think it's great that you've managed to write something original on the whole opposites-attract theme.. which isn't an easy task.. although you make it seem effortless.

    i like the image you paint of your counterpart.. the things that you want us to see of him.. the mess.. focusing a bit on the negative things which i think (as clichéd as it might sound) is proof of true love. i have never believed that love is blind.. love is forgiving.. and so it sees these things but is able to look away.

    the last stanza is amazing.. the only thing that jarred was the repetition of the word 'space.' but you end the poem on such a strong note that i didn't notice the repetition until the second read... the image of rocket ships is so vivid and gives the whole story this sense of grandeur (that is somewhat downplayed by what came before).. this cosmic collision.. it's pure genius.

    and of course all of this is just one person's opinion.. so take of it what you will.
    | Posted on 2005-09-14 00:00:00 | by girlinthephoto | [ Reply to This ]
      And you say you aren't a poet? . ? . Well I see some great poetic qualities in this so you possess a little bit of poet in you. hehe ;) I honestly don't like giving advice but I really liked this piece and I see so many possibilities that I hope you don't mind that I'm going to suggest some things. If you like what you see use it. ;) Just suggestions.

    I really like how the opening is choppy and falls from each line. It helps the flow of the piece. I think it would be neat to cram the words
    "me
    and
    you."
    together like "meandyou." Because you are talking about a new breed all together. (Which I thought was genius.) So why not make this new breed one word? Make an impact you know?

    I also think you might want to drop the comma after "than,". Pausing there sort of messed up the flow of the piece I thought.

    Maybe add a comma after "so" and drop the capital "O" in our on that next stanza. Maybe you did that to symbolize the fact that your worlds collided but keeping it lower case wouldn't hurt the impact the word gives off anyway.

    Also you need “an” instead of a for "in a explosive collision,"

    I really liked the descriptions of how this guy carries himself as a trend. That was really effective. I think dropping "the way" that you repeat in this part:
    "its the way,
    the way you handle yourself," wouldn't hurt the piece either. It's just a matter of choice though. ;) You need an apostrophe in the "it's" though.

    Another place that might be cool to cram the words together would be in the "dreams&goals" part. Why not just go ahead and say "dreamsandgoals"? But like before this is just a matter of opinion. hehe Just suggesting stuff. ;)

    The only other thing I see that might need to be looked at is where you have a period after c o l l i d e. If you drop that it might flow a little better to make a bigger impact for the reader at the end.

    All in all I really enjoyed this piece. It's unique and gave lots and lots of descriptions with great little twists at every turn. :) Great job!
    Take care! :)
    -blt
    | Posted on 2005-09-12 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      oh i wanna cry!
    i just spent the last forever worshipping you and it didnt post even half the comment... righty... here goes... this is too good for you to not know how completely blown away i am by it...
    (ill start off from where i got cut off...)

    but
    even
    so

    i like this... i mean... i love odd structuring and random stand alone lines that introduce a new idea while concluding the old but i feel you have taken that to a new level with this...
    the way you have each word on its own line kinda gives it a drawn out thoughtful feel to it... like an inconclusive maybe theres more to it than just contrast/compare...

    i love how you use c l a s h
    i really do... it adds to the effect so much that i can feel and hear and even taste the ripped up metal... like fingernails down a blackboard... very effective!

    this is all

    i really like how this line does three things... it stands alone "this is all" but it also concludes the stanza before it and preludes the stanza to come... its perfect... really it is!
    and i love how you create the character of this person you are admiring... the way they carry themselves... everything about them... makes them sound magic and amazing! i want one! hehe!

    and the end... the end is perfect...
    theres almost a sense of shock or stunnedness in it... even rocketships collide... like you are both from completely different worlds and the possibilities of the two of you ever meeting is like zero to none and yet...

    its all too perfect...
    having commented on this 3 times now i am in love with it and it is now going to my favourites! and i MUST come and check out more of your stuff! see ya right soon!
    | Posted on 2005-09-11 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      ok back... slightly longer than 9 hours... please forgive me...

    right... where was i...?

    ahuh! right! i LOVE this! thats where i was...
    i really like the way you have you/me/us all on its own line... while it does give this piece a choppy feel i think it also gives these words/ideas places of honour... like... when you have a point to make you give it its own heading or start a new paragraph and i guess thats kinda what you have done here giving these tiny words whole lines of their own... amplifying the hugeness of all they encompass... am i making sense?

    but
    even
    so

    i like this... i mean... i love odd structuring and random stand alone lines that introduce a new idea while concluding the old b
    | Posted on 2005-09-11 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      hello friend!

    well, good for you! it's awesome that you are traveling out of your prefered genre- that's really admirable, i think. and plus- it turned out so well! really, i love the techniques you used. i know people who consider themselves poets and can't write like this. you have talent, wether you think so or not.

    generally, i liked the enjambent [lines breaks] and the way you isolated words like 'or' 'us' and 'we' to give the poem a choppy feel. hmm...i'm not sure i like the "(where? when?)" part in the parenthesis, even though i know you were going for that background echo. i like reading the poem better without it there. the ending is magnificent, i think, though i dont believe the idea goes well as the title. maybe you should think about changing that (the title, i mean).

    so, overall, well written! i am so happy to see you are trying something new.
    | Posted on 2005-09-11 00:00:00 | by NoMoreGoodbyes | [ Reply to This ]
      i totally agree with my friend here this peice is amazing and beautifull...you have a wonderfull amount of talent just use it for good and you will go far... i love this peice even though i was not fond of the title but i guess that is how things work some times lol
    well love and light
    Archer
    | Posted on 2005-09-10 00:00:00 | by Archer | [ Reply to This ]
      seriously... you should write poetry more often... really... not just saying that either... i really like this...

    it kinda goes in circles and triangles and arrows... its heading in different directions all at once and yet there is complete harmony to be found... i really like this...

    we're so different,
    so alike, similar,
    us.

    a seamless progression from completely different to similar to us... from unfamiliar to complete familiarity of us... brilliantly done and a great way to start a write.

    damn... i have to go to work... ill be back in like 9 hours... promise...
    | Posted on 2005-09-10 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    10. What would you have done differently?
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    12. Does it feel original?



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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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