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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Forever, like a circle?dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Indelible_ink
    ASL Info:    20/F/AZ
    Elite Ratio:    5.75 - 143/109/25
    Words: 220
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 938
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1261



    Description:
       Okay it's been a long while since I've been here, Trying to get back on my feet. I still write poetry. I'm a little iffy about this one, it took me a while to get it to my semi-satisfaction.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsForever, like a circle?dots
    -------------------------------------------


    “Forever is like a circle.” I once said
    Bitter tears bite this flushed face of mine
    I kick the dust of the path to which I’ve been led
    Now this circle I wish only to redesign

    These promises to you of my own creation
    Humorless chuckle to these pledges of an ill breed
    I regret my false determination
    In an spur of a moment, all expansive greed

    Now that I sit here broken, wrecked, shattered
    I remember how I used to laugh at my said “Naïveté”
    “Forever no matter what” I lament bruised and battered
    And now all I desire is to be as I used to be

    Forever only processed by a inhuman mind
    Or that of one whose is not polluted by logic
    And now all I wish is to define
    Forever again, without my mind knotted

    But it seems that a forever is all the same to you
    Even if I trip or stop for a moment of time
    Yes it seems that I always knew
    That forever will still always be yours and mine


    “Forever is like a circle.” I once again said
    Not a bump, a square, or a line
    Like a ring on a finger, surpassing the dead
    This thought of forever now seems just fine




    Submitted on 2005-09-11 17:52:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      It may need some work.. but I think I get the meaning behind it.
    You fall in love and the world is yours.. you vow that it's forever.
    Then, for some reason you break up.. and your world falls apart.. and you kick yourself for being so naive..
    and then..
    you are back with the one you love.. and all is right with the world again.
    Forever is like a circle.. even if it's bumpy at times. I like the way you bring us into the forever circle with you.
    Take care, ~Sandra
    | Posted on 2005-09-12 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      My first thought is that the overuse of the word Forever is distracting to your message, and like your theam your stanzas seem to be a bit circular instead of flowing down the page. Try taking out some of the passive tense in this and make it a bit more direct so that the reader is not caught up in looking for what your main subject is in a line or stanza.
    You've got a really good message it just takes the reader a bit too much time to decipher it.
    | Posted on 2005-09-11 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      i had to read it a couple of times, but what im getting out of it is that, your sharing lasting love with someone, but im still confused becuase im getting some hate out of it. mainly because of the broken, wrecked and shattered part., im jsut a lil confused. But maybe its just me. ^v^

    - natalie michelle
    | Posted on 2005-09-11 00:00:00 | by The Blue Panda | [ Reply to This ]


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