Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Worlds Apartdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: uncreaTED
    Elite Ratio:    4.86 - 58/69/24
    Words: 258
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 951
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1956



    Description:
       Very time I have an Enlightenment Experience I want to broadcast it to the World in hopes they too can share in it.

    (Buddhist name, Mu-Wi, appropriately translates as uncreaTED)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWorlds Apartdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Worlds Apart

    Bright orb advances to its zenith,
    shedding light on a lone supplicant,
    deep within himself, breathing focused.
    Each gentle inhalation patiently calculated,
    flaring the nostrils in measured cadence.
    An interminably elongated p a u s e ,
    for axenic thought, finally punctuated
    by an unhurried deflation through pursed lips.
    A straw stream flows 'til the balloon empties.

    Cycle repeats; counted as inaudible clicks
    on a cherished chain of 108 sacred beads.
    At the tasseled end, the lace is reversed,
    in earnest, another loop of breaths is begun.
    Conscious thought drifts far off and away
    as a void is occupied with acute awareness.
    Astounding revelation confronts the psyche,
    perspective spawns an all too elusive window.
    The amusement of wonder stupefies.

    Mind and body meld into one once again.
    A smirk creases the introspective mask
    as the unseeing eyes acquire their focus.
    Welcoming the World that has materialized,
    a surreal brilliance explored with renewed vigor.
    Euphoria emanates from every rock,
    vivid splendor realized in the most mundane.
    Only Enlightenment can explain the metamorphosis;
    all had changed in the blessed interim of one sitting.

    Another dimension of sight is fathomed.
    Demons no longer garner influence,
    as gates of will guard the being.
    Eyes of steel are guardians of sight.
    Equanimity buffers all experience.
    The mind, now a tool, relinquishes the helm.
    Content inaction replaces reflexive impulse;
    permeating the brain, wisdom fortifies knowledge.
    The essence that was is supplanted by . . .




    Submitted on 2005-09-11 19:36:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hi Ted,

    Okay, I have to admit up front that I don't really meditate (though, I do have what I call peaceful moments where I sit in absolute quiet and close my eyes and let my mind take me wherever it wants to go ... so I can relate to some aspects of this piece). So, in saying that, I'm not sure how constructive this feedback will be, so please take it however you want to - which I'm sure you would anyway :)

    S2L4 "in earnest, another loop of breaths is begun." - I wasn't quite sure about the tense of this sentence. "breaths is begun" read a little awkwardly to me ??

    S2L6 "as a void is occupied with acute awareness." - minor point, but perhaps try reading it as "as the void". It just seemed to flow a bit better and offered more emphasis/significance to "void" - I said 'minor' didn't I? :)

    "The amusement of wonder stupefies." - I just love this line. makes me smile.

    S3L1 - "meld into one once again" - you could probably lose the phrase "into one". I felt a bit clumsy reading it (could be that I'm just not as adept at the English language as I think) - plus, I thought "meld" basically means mixing or blending together anyway. anyway, it's just a thought.

    "A smirk creases the introspective mask
    as the unseeing eyes acquire their focus.
    Welcoming the World that has materialized,
    a surreal brilliance explored with renewed vigor."
    This is one of my fav passages - strangely, I found it both cute (as in charming) and powerful - a wonderful mix when reading.

    S4:
    "Eyes of steel are guardians of sight" - I wasn't quite sure what you meant with this line. If you're not too busy replying to comments, I would love to hear more :)
    "Equanimity buffers all experience" - this line actually troubled me a bit. not because of the style, the way it was written or anything else constructive - I think it was more the reference to "all". Is that what happens in meditation? That it produces a calm and steady mind which buffers "all" experience. maybe I'm reading into incorrectly, but I'm very curious either way.

    This was a really great write and you have made me want to explore meditation.
    Oh, and btw I really liked the way you spaced out "p a u s e" - I actually found myself lingering over that word :)
    Cheers,
    ~TD
    | Posted on 2005-10-01 00:00:00 | by TD | [ Reply to This ]
      I love this one Ted and even find the feeling of peace within grasp at it's end. My only suggestion would be in the second verse, to tell us of the prayer beads and not use a strophe to
    explain the obsessive means we must use to cool the jets of the mind. I know, the more cognitive one is the harder controlling thoughts becomes.

    Conscious thought drifts far off and away
    as a void is occupied with acute awareness.
    Astounding revelation confronts the psyche,
    perspective spawns an all too elusive window.
    The amusement of wonder stupefies.

    This part of that stanza seems valid, but before that, only someone who meditates could relate. I do, but most don't.
    Overall, I love the heady way you lead me into enlightenment. I think we're opposites in the way we express, both going toward matching targets. Thanks for sharing, great job!
    peace and love,
    Nan
    | Posted on 2005-09-11 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    73977

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry