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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: NO! Daddy NO!dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: dawnschild
    ASL Info:    21/F/Chicago
    Elite Ratio:    5.71 - 79/84/33
    Words: 360
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 630
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1537



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNO! Daddy NO!dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Why do you get so drunk every night?
    And hide the empty bottles when the liquor is far from sight?
    And throw me into my bedroom and slam the door behind?
    So that I can't see what your doing but I hear it every time


    I heard Mommy crying
    - I can still hear her crying

    Everynight nightmares steal away my dreams
    I can still hear her choking
    I am haunted by the screams
    She begged you to show mercy
    But you were so full of rage
    You threw your fist into her chest
    And shattered her rib cage

    She went to the hospital more than all the other mommys
    And you just made excuses
    You would deny the accusations
    That you were this abusive

    I was afraid of our home
    Sounds of walls crashing down
    The thunder storms you would create in the kitchen when you had too much to drink
    The sound of Mommy sobbing as she washed her bloody hands in the sink

    No! Daddy No!
    Don't throw me on the floor
    I know what's going to happen
    when you close the bedroom door

    Then, when I saw what you
    my father
    could do

    You became the monster that lived beneath the bed
    Replaced the demons and the villains
    in all the books that I have read





    Submitted on 2005-09-12 00:07:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is a powerful bit of poetry…a harsh reminder of the disgusting realities of life. It sucks that you had to go through something similar as a child.

    Even though I find the poem awesome as it is, there were a few things I thought could be changed to make the progression more even.

    For instance, I thought that breaking up the lines and using more rhyme would make the poem smoother. Like the first paragraph,

    ‘Why do you get so drunk every night?
    And hide the empty bottles when the liquor is far from sight?
    And throw me into my bedroom and slam the door behind?
    So that I can't see what your doing but I hear it every time’

    I thought you might consider this format.

    ‘Why do you get
    So drunk every night.
    Hiding the bottles
    When the liquor is far from sight.
    Throwing me into my bedroom
    Slamming the door behind
    Not wanting me to see what your doing
    But failing each time…’

    Or something of the sort. I thought getting rid of the word ‘empty’ in your second line might leave the sentence open to interpretation.

    The first line of the third stanza might be more in tune with the flow of the poem if you got rid of the ‘all the other’, (to me it seems to interrupt the rhythm) and add a did at the end.

    “She went to the hospital
    More than other mommies did’

    With the fourth stanza I again think breaking up the lines would be nicer.

    Finally, the last stanza. The third line might sound better so:

    ‘You gave me knowledge of evil
    And now my inner child is dead.’

    .This was an extremely well expressed poem and an excellent read. Nevertheless, I hope I could be of some help.

    | Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by cabbalistic | [ Reply to This ]
      perhaps people here think you're mad, maybe they are in a fit themselves lol. Well this poem is well written using all forms and styles from the contemporary reader. The poem flows correctly in chronological order and makes out points on how the poet feels about the situation. A little bit invective and you'll have an obstrusive cacophony which is good, and you do a great job avoiding any jargon of the kind.

    The attitude of the poem is stressed into deliberate madness and the poet renders an excellent catharsis, reassuring that possibly all might turn out to be well. The vivid descriptions of the ftherly figure are harsh and lack any sympathy towards him, usually blaming him for the harm done, however, a tinge of credibility to this "monster" would ruin its context incredibly.

    Much said, you did a great job. Always satifying your crowd with maddening lust over your unique way of writing and placing your perceptions of humanity into complex syllables.
    Poetic miser, my dear artistic child
    yours
    sascha Von Kaufmann
    xoxo
    | Posted on 2005-09-14 00:00:00 | by YoungWerther | [ Reply to This ]
      This saddens and angers me. Being a mother, I could never imagine putting my children through something like this. The physical abuse is bad enough but it is the emotional abuse that really makes it bad. No one deserves to be a abused, child or parent. What is the saddest is that if the abused person survives the situation, those physical wounds will heal. It is the emotional ones that will not. Children are innocent, they learn from experience. Most of those abused grow up to become abusers themselves, because that is all they know.

    What makes it so hard is that you hear of situations like this but are powerless to do anything about it. If the mother stays with the abusive husband, what is there to do about it. You can try to help, but in the end it is her who had to take the steps.

    Reading this brings out even more of that protectiveness I feel every time I look at my children.

    I will not critique this piece because I feel there is no reason why something like this should be critiqued. Whether there be spelling errors or misuse of grammer, it makes no difference. Those things don't change the situation. This is writing of a situation that everyone is all too aware of, and to critique it would be to point out the faults of the victims when there is no fault there. You wrote what you feel and there is no critique for such emotions.

    I wish this mother and her children my best. I also wish you peace of mind, because it has to be hard knowing that there is nothing you can do for them.

    Brightest Blessings,
    Crystal
    | Posted on 2005-09-14 00:00:00 | by lenotoire | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi,
    First, let me say, if you ever need a friend I'm here.
    I'm sorry about what is going on in your home. Your dad is sick. The most important thing you need to tell yourself...it is not your fault. Try to leave. Call the Rape Crisis Center in your town. You are not going to like this, call the authorities on your dad. This have got to stop. This is not good for you. Dawn, you need to talk to someone. What he has done/doing is not a father's love. Both you and your mom has been abused. Your mom need's help, and both of you have to be strong for each other. E-Mail me or PM me if you wish. Please take care, Wanda
    | Posted on 2005-09-12 00:00:00 | by bigfineq | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem is filled with such emotion that I think it would be hard for any person to not feel anything when they read this poem.

    This is the kind of thing that keeps me motivated to become a police officer, so I can help those in these kind of situations.

    I don't think that I can suggest any improvements or changes in this poem. It's perfect just the way it is. With such emotion and soul put into a poem, it's hard to think about little technical things.
    | Posted on 2005-09-12 00:00:00 | by Ravenwood | [ Reply to This ]
      Whoa... this is definitely one of those writes I'm not sure I could give a proper comment on. But I will try my best.

    This is a major problem prevalent in society - one which is normally swept under the rug and labelled as 'taboo' and 'untouchable'. So, is this speaking from real life experience? From what you have written, it strongly points towards this assumption.

    All I can say is that your dad definitely needs counselling and anger management classes... I think all of you need mediation of some sort to overcome this problem - but only if all of you want this to happen.

    I know this is easier said than done, but yea - I hope to god you're not living with him... and I also hope your mother is not with him either.

    I have seen the results of abuse and it sickens me. When all things in life fail for the abuser, he often turns to his family as a vent for his helplessness and rage.

    I don't know what to say truly. I am sorry for your predicament and hope that you and your mother escape this hell.

    I'm not sure if you really wanted help with this write, but I will give you my opinion. I think that some of the lines are too long and need to be broken up more evenly - I think you can see where I mean. That's as far as constructive criticism by me goes.

    Dawnschild, what you have written here makes me so angry. It makes me want to go out there and seek vengeance for you. Your dad is a coward, a stain upon all males. I would rather hit a brick wall with my fists than touch a lady like that. But that is me. This subject is something that really disturbs me.

    I hope you find a way to get both you and your mother out of this, I really do. Feel free to PM me if you like - if that doesn't sound too patronizing - because it's not meant to be interpreted like that, I hope you realize this.

    Best of luck, you poor thing.
    Jase
    | Posted on 2005-09-12 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]


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