My secret lust
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Description:
This is a second version, much shorter and less-fairy tale like. Actually, only the idea behind it is the same, everything else is changed, more or less. Any way, all comments are welcomed.
My secret lust
Summer is fading So does your beauty But I won’t let you escape Through the cracks of my imagination Like butterflies in sunlight. I will never be able to transcend The miles and eons between us there never was the space nor time for us. Not in this universe. My tomorrows are becoming yesterdays Too fast I opened my eyes And waved the white flag A long time ago. But you still fight You dream In a blink of an eye you conquer With innocence, with unawareness. Every pound, every inch of you It tempts It leaves me mindless, nameless It leaves me non-existing. And you wear yourself Like a yesterdays news You leave yourself around As I used to left All those dolls they bought me. You are an animal perfectly shaped A machine perfectly designed A human perfectly crafted by God Or was it a Devil? You should have the world in your hands. You could break million hearts And I’ve been walking around With my heart on a plate Thinking that there are no Hands strong enough That there are no fingers So perfect In a blink of an eye you conquer you leave me mindless, nameless You leave me non-existing. Summer is fading So does your beauty Strength is overcoming. I’m carving this night By the image of your body Lusting in secret Worshiping in silence Beauty of strength and shape A shell, (just) a beautiful shell. The night salutes you Summer sighs Butterfly is pinned You’re about to grow up And I’m groving old. |
Submitted on 2005-09-12 15:17:35 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| The corpse thing cracked me up! I like your style of writing keep it up! Kelley Frost | Posted on 2006-10-22 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ] | !! This is I must say quite incredible. I mean the title kind of hints that this is going to be about some sort of longing, but then the poem itself really lived up to that title in ways very unexpected. One thing I would question is the length, I think that this poem has a lot of very powerful lines, words that jump out at the reader and take hold, but those carefully sculpted lines seem to get a little lost in a lot of the less-carefully crafted bits between them, which I think stretches this out a bit more than needed to give the effect. Also the God/Devil bit doesn't really seem to fit in with the rest. | Favorite lines : "I opened my eyes / And waved the white flag / A long time ago." & "And I’ve been walking around / With my heart on a plate / Thinking that there are no / Hands strong enough / That there are no fingers / So perfect" and of course the last two lines. These bits have a very strong connotation with them, that doesn't balance well with lines like "You could break a million hearts." I mean, as it is, this poem? It works. But there is a lot that could be done with it to give it more density. -Z | Posted on 2006-05-15 00:00:00 | by ziska | [ Reply to This ] | | Live fast, die young, leave behind a good looking corpse eh? This was quite the read, very interesting, eerie and haunting, and romantically tragic. a sort of chilling take on 'carpe diem'. I too find myself sometimes thinking tomorrows become yesterdays too fast... I really really loved the metaphor of the butterfly... from fluttering about in sunlight, to finally being pinned... the narrator is desperate to keep the beauty of this butterfly alive, so doesn't let it escape from the imagination...but everyone grows old. and youthful romantic love doesnt last for long... life is too short for love, the narrator fears it.. so instead, lust is welcomed. lust is a shell, but a 'beautiful' shell... anyway this may not be your message/theme at all...but I am profoundly affected. sombre-but a write that draws you in. thank you for the read! Alexis | Posted on 2005-09-15 00:00:00 | by pennyroyal tea | [ Reply to This ] | I really like this poem however in the second stanza it is too long. I mean you don't have to but have more line breaks in there so it doesn't seem so long. I like the poem itself however. A very good write. i hope to see more work from you~~ | ~Krystina~ | Posted on 2005-09-12 00:00:00 | by takenspiritwind | [ Reply to This ] | |
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