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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Do you love me?dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: She Is Insane
    Elite Ratio:    3.21 - 40/60/32
    Words: 524
    Class/Type: Rant/Longing
    Total Views: 1039
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 3254



    Description:
       love? lust, yes.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDo you love me?dots
    -------------------------------------------


    “Do you love me?”

    He has heard that question numerous times that he has lost track of the count. He has heard it from the girls, whose name he never remembered, in the back of his car, sweat dripping on their bare backs and cum on their pink tongue. He has heard it from girls who he drove around town, their curls drooping and their hands hastened on his pants.

    But now as he hears the four words turn into a question again, he struggles with the response. He wishes he could say the flat NO. Instead he takes a cigarette from his left pocket, out of impulse, and places it in his mouth. Lightening it he responds, “Later,” and he pats her brown messy -- once flat and tightened into a bun -- curls.

    "Its only a yes or no question," she tells him, "its not that difficult."

    He looks at her momentarily, digesting her question. "Brenda darling," he draws out of his mouth musically asfter a few moments of awkward silence. Even after thirteen years of marriage he feels the vast space between the two although they are just a few feet away.

    "I need an answer." Her eyes are blodshot red from all the crying she has been doing. After all those years of being married to him, she still feels little and insecure. "Please," she begs.

    "Your my wife," he replies.

    "In paper that's all I am. Your wife," she swallows. Tears stream down her cheeks once again. There goes her mascara and her self control.

    He walks toward her but stops midstop. "Brenda," he says.

    She looks up at him and he notices her wonderful, psychadelic blue eyes. He notices her creamy skin. How it goes so well with her.

    She sighs and tells him, "I know the answer, already. I know it but I don't want to."

    "To what?" He asks, bewildered.

    "The question," she says after awhile, "but would you lie to me,anyway?"

    Realization dawns on him. He wishes for that second, that he'd loved her-- at least a little. But, he doesn't and he can't. "Honesty is beautiful," he answers.

    "I'm afraid neither are true," she sobs.

    He moves foreward so that he could smell her breath and breathe her nostalgia. Her aroma travels to his nostrils and he can smell dampness and honey suckle mingled together. "My Brenda," he murmurs as he smells her brown chaotic curls.

    "How I wish I could say the same to you," she tells him."My."

    Her shoulders slightly tremble as he holds them.

    "But you can," he says.

    "But it won't mean a thing."

    "You're an incredible woman," he confides.

    "Say 'yes' one last time. Only once."

    "It won't make a difference." He bends over and kisses her wet cheek. His hands stay on her shoulders for brief moments before he releases her.






    Submitted on 2005-09-12 18:48:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      this is interesting first off because its not poetry but a short story...and i really like it because you used characters instead of yourself to say what you wanted to... the story has a way of telling the entire life stories of the characters in the few paragraphs...and unfortunately we all can relate to taht hopeless feeling of ignorance is bliss... i guess love can really be one-sided... but yes, i like this alot, its sophistocated. good job! keep writing.
    | Posted on 2005-09-12 00:00:00 | by hmmmm... | [ Reply to This ]
      touching...in a sad way. i think you should change the last line though. it sounds...off. but thats ok. maybe you wanted it like that. otherwise...the flow was just beautiful and smooth...saddening, definetly. the transitions were good, and the word choice was good, too. I loved the decription alot. But what hit me was the emotion...the sadness, the despair, the momentary love...the unmomentary love. this is completely well written. just a few touch ups and it could be a masterpiece. my favorite part was

    "In paper that's all I am. Your wife," she swallows. Tears stream down her cheeks once again. There goes her mascara and her self control.

    keep it up. your on a roll!
    -nirvana
    | Posted on 2005-09-12 00:00:00 | by Nirvana | [ Reply to This ]
      Stirring. and it went well however the end feels choppy. I would suggest dropping the last line.. or drawing it out.. you tend to be wordy up to this point and than all of a sudden an ending that seems like.. you couldnt think of another way to end it. Also.. this sentence "It won't make a difference, would it?" .. needs to either be it wouldnt, would it ..or it wont, will it. because as is it has contradicting tenses, read it over again.. it even feels wrong.

    that is all. - trishi
    | Posted on 2005-09-12 00:00:00 | by Leala | [ Reply to This ]
      The opening paragraph detracts from the rest of the story. It has the droning "He has heard..." repeated throughout, which is annoying. The reference to "cum" is rather vulgar in relation to the dynamics of the dialog later on in the piece.

    You could pare down some of your sentences and make this a better read. The verb tenses need work, too.

    For example, in this passage:

    "He looks at her momentarily, digesting her question. "Brenda darling," he draws out of his mouth musically asfter a few moments of awkward silence. Even after thirteen years of marriage he feels the vast space between the two although they are just a few feet away.

    "I need an answer." Her eyes are blodshot red from all the crying she has been doing. After all those years of being married to him, she still feels little and insecure. "Please," she begs. "


    You could improve the write as follows:

    "He looked at her momentarily, digesting her question.

    "Brenda darling," sprang out of his mouth, almost musically, after an awkward silence.

    After thirteen years of marriage he felt the vast distance between them, though standing just a few feet away.

    "I need an answer..."

    Her eyes were bloodshot, red from all her crying . She still felt insignificant and insecure.

    "Please?" she begged. "


    I hope this is helpful.
    | Posted on 2005-09-13 00:00:00 | by The Gadfly | [ Reply to This ]


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    74085

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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