Hidden Pain by Blindly-N-Love

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Hidden Pain dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	Blindly-N-Love
ASL Info:	17/F
Elite Ratio:	4.61 - 197/141/29
Words:	150

Class/Type:	Poetry/Depressed
Total Views:	224
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	877

Description:
Just kind of writing a little something.. Its not the best but let me know what you think.. Plz comment..

Hidden Pain dots

-------------------------------------------

Around him, I get so excited.
I can't help but to smile and enjoy life.
But when I go afternoons or weekends without him,
I just want to cry a pool of tears.

No! I'm not saying that it's love.
But I am very much in like..

Maybe it was the fact we never got our chance last year.

Does he truly like me the way I like him?
Where is him ambition, and drive?

The things I thought..
Are they true??

I want to ask him, but I forget it all when hes there.
Awe.. How I love when he's around.
Around to hold me.
Around to hug me.

The hidden Pain I have without him,
Makes me so sad deep in my soul.
I know I shouldn't feel this way.
But I feel such a void without him..

Submitted on 2005-09-12 19:36:31 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  This is an okay write but you have a few things I think you would fix to make it better. Firstly in this line

"Where is him ambition, and drive?"

This didn't really read that right. Maybe its because that him after is shouldn't be there.
I think the word his would fit much more nicely.
In this line

"Are they true??"

I also I felt it weird that you used too question marks rather than one. Is the question supposed to be that powerful, I felt it didn't really do anything extra to it. Maybe just one should suffice. Also in this line

"I want to ask him, but I forget it all when hes there."

That "hes" should be he's.

By now you might think I really disliked this pieec but thats not the case. I really did enjoy the write. I especially like this stanza

"No! I'm not saying that it's love.
But I am very much in like.."

The way you used the word like I just had to laugh at that. I can just imagine telling someone that

"I'm very much in like with you"
simply brilliant and a thumbs up for creativity.

Keep up the good work and have a blessed and wonderful day and God bless. Thanks so much for sharing.

| Posted on 2006-04-26 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
  Umm... I dont really see how people got denial out of this to be perfectly honest I dont see any denial except for mayb the second paragraph or w/e but that didnt seem to me like denial it just seemed like one of those thing pscho stalkers say before they follow you into your bedroom at night, lol j/k. I dont really see how this is poetry it seems more like thoughts to me. But hey, thats just my opinion.
| Posted on 2005-11-29 00:00:00 | by Drea | [ Reply to This ]
  this poem makes you sound as if your in denial and dont question soo much. if you want to get an answer ask then youll know im sure this advice does nothing for you but i had to give it.
-brandon
| Posted on 2005-11-28 00:00:00 | by Leon Kennedy | [ Reply to This ]
  This is an interesting poem you have here. This problem you have here is certainly one I think we have all experienced in our lives. You bring up lots of valid questions. The poem, however, leaves the reader confused, at least me anyway. Is he your boyfriend or just a friend? What do you mean by you never got your chance last year? This line kinda hangs out there and I dont understand what it means. Maybe if you gave a little more insight, it would be easier to understand this when it is read and therefore make it more easy to relate to. This is good but you could make it better. Take care.

Lorna
| Posted on 2005-11-25 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
  powerfull

but u might need some revising

"Where is him ambition, and drive?"

Where is his

all in all good write, i like to see people with this sort of writing, and u have a good style keep writing and send me a message some time, all in all great work
| Posted on 2005-10-31 00:00:00 | by obsidiandreams | [ Reply to This ]
  Oh boyy. I know exactly what you mean. I like the way you wrote this. Every word really held my attention.

"I know I shouldn't feel this way.
But I feel such a void without him.."

I'm having the same problem, only its a little different because I know that he doesnt like me like that. Theres no more questioning. I dont know if thats good or bad. I dont want to live with that question, but I dont want to know the answer. You know? Oh well, anywho... this is awesome (as all of yours are). Good luck with whatever happens with that. As always, great job

-nikkki
| Posted on 2005-09-12 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
  You sound as if you might be avoiding the truth, not wanting to destoy a carefully rehearsed fantasy that would certainly clip the wings from your heart. The agony of not knowing his feelings could destroy the pleasures you enjoy being near him. Gunshy is not a good way to be. As the writer said "toss out your heart and see where it lands."
| Posted on 2005-09-12 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.