Description: I really don't know what to say about this one, I liked it for about 5 mionutes after I wrote it like a month ago, and now I dunno what to make of it. It's yet another one of those things my subconscious vomitted onto paper, so yeah.
Dead Can't Dance -------------------------------------------
If these veins
could talk theyíd say
and like your martyr
the pulse has subverted
they didnít die for your sins
no they went down for mine
So whatís it to you
should these eyes
go down forever
behind a satin veil
a bittersweet epitaph
and the talk is cheap
Dead canít dance
to broken heartbeats
Dead canít dance
so Iíll sit this one out
ouch! that ending killed me... i so didnt see that coming... dead cant dance so ill sit this one out...
one headstone a bittersweet epitaph false memories and the talk is cheap
this bit made me sad... i guess its so blunt and whats worse is that its also so true... really it is... i think... ugh! shut me up if i get carried away here... i think ppl suck when death is in their face... the false memories and cheap talk pour/spew forth from their mouths perhaps in atonement for regrets or something i dont know... saying all this nice crap about the deceased... talking like they were best friends... its all crap... ugh! ok im gonna stop else youll be thinking im a mental or something but yeah... that stanza severed my last nerve tonight... sorry about that but very real image...
on the whole i am not sure from where you are coming from... i mean... while right from the start (when one looks back from the last lines) it can be seen that you are dead you are also writing this poem and so... my head is confusing me and clouding the overall effect of this write in some ways...
and then im wondering why/how you died... is the clue in the broken heartbeats perhaps... or to put it more clearly beats of a broken heart...? a worthy reasoning/cause of death if ever i heard one...
Hey John long time no see (ya gripper!) I didn't like this one. I found the lack of punctuation in the second stanza led to confusion as to what parts belonged where. I get that this one is about betrayal and or not being worthy of trust/grief. I feel like maybe this is a bit short and that the heart of it never gets the chance to image 1. because of problems with clarity and 2. because the anger of the narrator over-shadows the pain which can sometimes give the voice of the poem a petulant feel that takes away from the heart of the piece. If you're going for a rebel without a cause type of poem then you have it but I see much pain here that needs a little work to shine through. Hope you're doin good. By god you're an ugly bugger! (~_^)