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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: thoughts and crossesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ellisa
    Elite Ratio:    5.51 - 400/415/125
    Words: 268
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 876
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1845



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthoughts and crossesdots
    -------------------------------------------



    so it was-
    a dream that took it all out
    ripped off all the tissue paper
    and wrapping of old news
    bubbly plastic squeaks
    and cotton wooliness round the bits in my brain.
    fluff gets stuck.
    spark plugs
    hit and crunch before the bright.
    can I really?
    Donít forget; bad and worse
    but, oh, those good times...
    jealousy. clear now; all my little fears.
    Iím not angry anymore.
    head between mounds
    feathered breasts i push my face down deep
    try to forget
    somehow wake boiling and blood rushing
    I was trying to stop you
    I was running just.too.slow- and then
    found you just..too..late..wanted to kill you.
    I want...?
    hoped that slipping might help.
    slipping down into sleep
    <sounds of my breath on your back>
    but it spews right out of me
    subconscious plays out
    explains
    always the interpreter
    the go between
    you and I
    you hate that
    you and I
    so us,
    thatís so us over
    sew us over
    fucking sew me up-
    thatís so me...
    I was sleeping when I worked it out
    I love you
    fuck you I shouted, out loud?
    maybe
    I shouted saying fuck youfuckyoufuckyou
    I love you
    fucking love
    fucking bastard you are
    your fault
    why do you have to have faults?
    fuck you
    screw it up again and you'll kill me this time-
    promise?
    promise.
    X X X
    crosses

    her fingers.
    I lie

    try to get you to love me without the leaving or the wishing but it never works
    wishy washy lovers
    we love love love falling in









    Submitted on 2005-09-13 06:22:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      oh my god. I've been away for weeks. How long have you been back? I'll have to get to your page...anyway, WOW! Where's all the ellisa cryptic language? I think I can actually understand this. Extremely powerful girl! I can feel your frustration, almost shame, of being in love with this guy you want so badly to hate. Been there. Shit, been married forever and yet I'm still there all the time. It's a scary deal to have someone else controlling your emotions. It ain't right!

    Love the spacing and such, especially this sequence -

    I was trying to stop you
    I was running just.too.slow- and then
    found you just..too..late..wanted to kill you.
    I want...?
    hoped that slipping might help

    very clever with the period in the middle of the sentence and the lack of spacing in between...really slowed it down. I am telling you right now that I will steal that, no doubt. Not sure why I haven't thought of that. It might be even more effective than a seperate line. Very, very clever.

    but then it's clever through and through and all leads to a wonderful ending. It is the emotion ellicited by the combination of love and hate and anger and making up that makes for passion. And we all love passion.

    Good to see you growing and yet keeping your unique personality. I love this piece and will be back to read it again and again.

    this is raw emotion <harnessed> erupting on the page.
    | Posted on 2005-09-13 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      I must admit that this came across as a bit terse &#8230; must be something about all those expletives . Now not to say that your reasons for rage are not valid (Who the hell am I? I don&#8217;t even know about it &#8230; and its none of my business anyway) and there are of course many reasons to write (particularly on a web site like this) , but, since after all it&#8217;s a writing critique site I must say that this comes across as a bit too emotionally torrid to draw much out of me. On the positive side though, writing can sometimes be a good second medium for ourselves and forces us to enter thought on a conscious or unconscious level on our acts, but I guess the difficulty is to present it in a form that leads to an appreciation similar to our expression. Maybe this is just one draft too short of a submission, or maybe I am just dumb.
    | Posted on 2005-09-13 00:00:00 | by kanu | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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