This site will self destruct in 2 months, March 17.
It will come back, and be familiar and at the same time completely different.
All content will be deleted. Backup anything important.
--- Staff
Roleplay Cloud -

Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

thoughts and crosses

Author: ellisa
Elite Ratio:    5.51 - 400 /415 /125
Words: 268
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1144
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1853


thoughts and crosses

so it was-
a dream that took it all out
ripped off all the tissue paper
and wrapping of old news
bubbly plastic squeaks
and cotton wooliness round the bits in my brain.
fluff gets stuck.
spark plugs
hit and crunch before the bright.
can I really?
Don’t forget; bad and worse
but, oh, those good times...
jealousy. clear now; all my little fears.
I’m not angry anymore.
head between mounds
feathered breasts i push my face down deep
try to forget
somehow wake boiling and blood rushing
I was trying to stop you
I was running just.too.slow- and then
found you just..too..late..wanted to kill you.
I want...?
hoped that slipping might help.
slipping down into sleep
<sounds of my breath on your back>
but it spews right out of me
subconscious plays out
always the interpreter
the go between
you and I
you hate that
you and I
so us,
that’s so us over
sew us over
fucking sew me up-
that’s so me...
I was sleeping when I worked it out
I love you
fuck you I shouted, out loud?
I shouted saying fuck youfuckyoufuckyou
I love you
fucking love
fucking bastard you are
your fault
why do you have to have faults?
fuck you
screw it up again and you'll kill me this time-

her fingers.
I lie

try to get you to love me without the leaving or the wishing but it never works
wishy washy lovers
we love love love falling in

Submitted on 2005-09-13 06:22:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  oh my god. I've been away for weeks. How long have you been back? I'll have to get to your page...anyway, WOW! Where's all the ellisa cryptic language? I think I can actually understand this. Extremely powerful girl! I can feel your frustration, almost shame, of being in love with this guy you want so badly to hate. Been there. Shit, been married forever and yet I'm still there all the time. It's a scary deal to have someone else controlling your emotions. It ain't right!

Love the spacing and such, especially this sequence -

I was trying to stop you
I was running just.too.slow- and then
found you just..too..late..wanted to kill you.
I want...?
hoped that slipping might help

very clever with the period in the middle of the sentence and the lack of spacing in between...really slowed it down. I am telling you right now that I will steal that, no doubt. Not sure why I haven't thought of that. It might be even more effective than a seperate line. Very, very clever.

but then it's clever through and through and all leads to a wonderful ending. It is the emotion ellicited by the combination of love and hate and anger and making up that makes for passion. And we all love passion.

Good to see you growing and yet keeping your unique personality. I love this piece and will be back to read it again and again.

this is raw emotion <harnessed> erupting on the page.
| Posted on 2005-09-13 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
  I must admit that this came across as a bit terse &#8230; must be something about all those expletives . Now not to say that your reasons for rage are not valid (Who the hell am I? I don&#8217;t even know about it &#8230; and its none of my business anyway) and there are of course many reasons to write (particularly on a web site like this) , but, since after all it&#8217;s a writing critique site I must say that this comes across as a bit too emotionally torrid to draw much out of me. On the positive side though, writing can sometimes be a good second medium for ourselves and forces us to enter thought on a conscious or unconscious level on our acts, but I guess the difficulty is to present it in a form that leads to an appreciation similar to our expression. Maybe this is just one draft too short of a submission, or maybe I am just dumb.
| Posted on 2005-09-13 00:00:00 | by kanu | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?