[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Destinydots

    Author: ThatWasOnceMe
    ASL Info:    30/F/NC
    Elite Ratio:    3.71 - 197/194/53
    Words: 365
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 670
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2296

       This is a Swap Quatrain Poem. I took an old poem already wrote and converted it to this form. I hope you like it.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.



    Weeping at sunrise, I was trying to be fearless.
    Hasty for the spring to meet falls bareness.
    Love never bares it predictions, itís apt to lies.
    I was trying to be fearless, weeping at sunrise.

    My destiny reads Iím destined to stumble.
    Destiny is falling down, once more to tumble.
    Spiraling in the rain, rolling in widow's weeds.
    Iím destined to stumble; my destiny reads.

    I am struggling so hard to remain fearless
    Unspoken and heartbroken not yet tearless
    You were different from all the others I know
    Hard to remain fearless; I am struggling so.

    You were so very different out of them all
    Nothing is left of our destiny itís began its fall
    Tumbling to a cheated dazed end for it is spent.
    Out of them all you were so very different

    Destinyís straying on the edge about to fall
    My destiny knows I was doomed for this all
    Love never once explained what it was saying
    On the edge about to fall destinyís straying.

    Turning in the wind twirling within the rain
    My destiny struggling once more with pain
    Slyly untying destinies callings for me to find
    Twirling within the rain turning in the wind.

    Weeping at daylight still not sure on what to say
    Dreamt last night of what I was compelled to convey
    Cannot recall what it was that came to me in the night
    Still not sure on what to say weeping at daylight

    Diminishing in the rain raging into the wind
    My destiny is dying has only emptiness to lend
    My destiny is stumbling once more into the pain
    Raging into the wind diminishing in the rain

    I can't speak with you while I'm crying
    What I'm destined to say will be me lying
    Darkness is shed on our life we secretly new
    While I'm crying I can't speak with you

    Once I whispered it was fated it was an effortless fall
    It was unmistakably clear as day it was nothing at all.
    To gently remember that our love will be forever be jaded.
    It was an effortless fall once I whispered it was fated.

    Submitted on 2005-09-13 10:32:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      A very interesting way of writing..
    I too, like the repetitive/switch-around in the first and last lines of each stanza.. and then to be able to rhyme them so well in the last two lines in each part. Very nice!

    As for the poem itself.. it's enjoyable to read.

    Nice line > "Hasty for the spring to meet falls bareness."

    This one sentence speaks volumes >"Unspoken and heartbroken not yet tearless"

    The word "destiny" may have been repeated a bit too often.. and here and there could use a bit of tweaking.. but I really enjoyed this write.

    Well done!

    | Posted on 2005-09-14 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      i dont know how to say this without being rude.. it was quite difficult to get thru the entire poem. i mean the start was awesome.. and the form refreshing... but it doesnt hold the interest for too long.
    your theme is destiny... i dont believe in it thus i find it hard to relate. but i do understand the feelings of fear, of downfall and a sense of abandonment that comes across. i think you need to make a few changes.. and this would be a good write.
    | Posted on 2005-09-13 00:00:00 | by Sanjhana | [ Reply to This ]
      I like how you repeated your first sentence in your last one but switched it around but towards the end since the poem was that long it seemed overdone i am not trying to be mean or anything k i am just trying to help all in all i liked the poem
    | Posted on 2005-09-13 00:00:00 | by sweetrstangel18 | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    World I No Longer Want written by ForgottenGraves
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Brigit written by endlessgame23
    Giving written by jjd
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Linger written by saartha
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Summer written by layDsayD
    True Death written by layDsayD
    Every..... written by jackz
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    untitled written by Chelebel
    written by Daniel Barlow
    The Promise written by annie0888
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    written by Daniel Barlow
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Break Up written by WriteSomething
    written by Daniel Barlow
    One Day written by WriteSomething
    Once Again written by krs3332003




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]