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Author: No Talent
ASL Info:    24/m/Ny
Elite Ratio:    4.12 - 263 /178 /31
Words: 212
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1047
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1323


juss a lil somethin i wrote interpret it as u want juss lookin for a lil feed back aight


Detached Blank stares
With nothing Left to hold on too
Layin there..
No one Left to Hold you
Realizing Here , how strange things can be
As I look at you , While you stare back at me
Although were still the same
Though you still Complain
Solutions..To Problems not yet met
Though Time Goes on Still I cant Forget..
Detached from my feelings as you continue..
Continue to surprise me
You mended my wounds
And sowed back together my broken heart strings
Call me dumb
Call me Irrational for my brash actions
But I’m in love with you and Simply…
Find it hard to control my self
Although 2 wrongs no longer make it right
You Striped my heart strings
Torn them all thread by thread
And Still..
I find myself infatuated with you
Your smile , your Laugh , Your Being..
Entices my senses and Throws me into a state of disbelief
Heart Sprung on You I cant let You go
So tear my hear string thread by thread leave me nothing
Alone Helpless in my bed ..
But remember
I’m a sucker for Love
Simply Enticed By her…

Submitted on 2005-09-13 13:39:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  i thought this poem was great. the rhyming especially in the beginning, was really good. i loved the way you worded the poem, and how you described heartstrings rather than heart... great job.

| Posted on 2006-01-14 00:00:00 | by icaughtfire591 | [ Reply to This ]
  You are saying something here, something crucial about love-that it eventually ends up hurting you. Loving someone makes you vulnerable, and in this case, you let someone mend you who then tore you apart. That is a powerful experience, and i can relate. However, i think that specific type of emotion deserves more specific writing. Try to reach beyond rhyme and words to the very miniscule details of the pain you felt. A good way to go about collecting more specifics would be to sit and think on a particular day or scene where you had an encounter with this person and felt an intense emotion-then write every tiny detail you can remember, i mean the lighting, the expressions on her face, her hands, everything. then once you have the memory firm in your grasp, create that scene for us in a poem. dont just tell us what happened, bring us there. i want to be able to see you two and feel like i am the one whose heart is breaking. you owe it to yourself and your emotions to make them come alive in your writing.

i think the opening is powerful, and i would suggest thinking of your opening as the wide shot, and then as you go along with the poem, continue to get in closer on the scene, like you are focusing in with a camera, and then towards the end maybe pan out or stay close-whichever works best for you.

sorry for such a long comment, i just know you can do this! take care! <3 cait
| Posted on 2005-09-14 00:00:00 | by PhotoNegative | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this. IT had meaning. It had alot of emotion and it went really deep. Good job!
You mended my wounds
And sowed back together my broken heart strings
I loved these lines, snd I dotn know why.
| Posted on 2005-09-14 00:00:00 | by Drea | [ Reply to This ]
  I really love this poem alot! So much emotion and passion. You describe love somewhat! I can really relate to this poem and I know how it feels. I really hope to see more of your work!
| Posted on 2005-09-13 00:00:00 | by takenspiritwind | [ Reply to This ]
  I love it. Detail and longing. While reading it you can feel the emotion flow through the words into your soul.

My only suggestion...
"Although 2 wrongs no longer make it right" spell out two.
| Posted on 2005-09-13 00:00:00 | by Elissar | [ Reply to This ]

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