Description: my latest freewrite in my creative writing class... this is basically about the times this summer that i was sneaking out at night (I'm 17...) before i got caught...during this time i developed a certain passion for the night that even now i can barely describe...I know the piece is long and not yet a complete poem but bear with me here...I'd love to have some input.
-drizzt
Night -------------------------------------------
A time to be alone
A time to go out
To leave the cage of the home
To venture into darkness
Avoiding cops
Confronting them with lies
Only the moon knows the truth
As I talk to my alter ego
While wandering aimlessly
Perhaps to wind up at the window of an old friend
Perhaps to go nowhere at all
To simply lie in the street
Staring up
Counting shooting stars
Every wish a hidden desire
And I find that I have no more
Than what I started off with
Want nothing more than what i have
Except perhaps a freedom
That I do not understand
That I cannot begin to grasp
With my talons so hungry
And I fly over streets
Across fields
In search of the mouse
Who will be prey
Or will pray to be
The curtain on my night
The sunrise over the mountain
That will send me home
Distraught, alone
Uncaring once more
Unloving once more
A drone
Any input from me you'd discard anyway but I agree with charmedidentity it wasn’t as long as other poems around. It reminds me of when I was a little kid with my mom gone and my babysitter(s) passed out; I would sneak out and play at a neighborhood park. As the years pressed on I toured my neighborhood and finally the town in general. I stopped the year I got caught and started again after summer vacation. It sucks that you got caught on a nightly adventure, but such events teach us to be more cautious so hopefully it turned out for the best? I felt you were missing a touch of hidden mystery or unclaimed bit in the puzzle for a reader to think on yet, if I didn’t know you in person, how truthful this poem is then perhaps I would of enjoyed it better. All together an interesting read and yet another for my favorite list. ~ReMMuS
okay, this was interesting. Typical teen poem about wanting to be free from the chains of a home. God knows i want that too at times but unfortunately, i can't sneak out of my house so easily and here, the night isn't such a nice place you want to wonder around. Unless you have a good conditioned care that won't broke up on the muddy, unconcreted road.
To be honest, this isn't long at all. You should see some of my work. Now this needs real patience. Unless your work has a whole set of symbolism and a whole set of figures of speech, then i would consider your poem a very bearing one. But no, i don't see the length at all.
My advice to you on this piece, try to use some punctuation and do use stanzas to break off your ideas into paragraph like story. The focus is entirely on this middle part, the one that has a few really long lines. Do something about that. It doesn't really look too nice paced up like that. Just break it down into stanzas so as soon as one idea is complete you go to the next one and so you keep going that way until you come to the conclusion of this event. That's how usually i do it. and it's just an advice. I can't tell you to do something you really don't want to do.
Anyhow, good work. i did enjoy some parts of it and i didn't enjoy other parts of it. This piece is like a 50/50 effect on me. It inspires me as well as bores me.
Keep writing though. I see this spark in your writing somehow. You got a good thing going on and if your on the right track, your thoughts are going to make millions of people's hears touched by your words. Take care till next time. Peace... Irina
hmm, well, i just picked this piece sort of randomly to comment, and i found it pretty nice.
firstly, i noticed some comments about length. well, i don't care about length (as you probably know from my piece 'generational nectar), and even sometimes enjoy shorter works more than longer ones, so you don't necessarily need to make this longer as long as you put a good message or whatever in it. i think it would be cool if you used punctuation, like dashes or colons, in this, because i find punctuation really interesting, but if it's just your style, that's def fine.
anyway, the actual poem. i really like the tone of this; it's sort of like watching yourself in your mind's eye, which is always nice. the owl metaphor is also cool. night is really a time to be pensive and peaceful, and you portray that well. you also express your dissatisfaction with home and how you felt the need to escape it, but i mostly liked the descriptions of night and what you did in it; i'd've included more, i guess, if i wrote it.
hah, this is a kind of bad comment, but, yeah, makes me think of how nice the night is.
Submission Name: Night
