Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Settling Day'sdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mithrandir
    ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452/681/113
    Words: 171
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 696
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1240



    Description:
       This is a piece written by the water at sunset, as my frustrations inregards to society apparentley came to surface. so yeah.and also it was written a little over a month before Katrina, though inregards to realpoets comment I can see a parrallel!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Settling Day'sdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Sun's rise and
    the days of men
    begin to fall

    the eastern wind
    carries echoes
    of what we called renasaince

    Voices on the radio
    singing songs
    of death tolls rising

    Maybe the sun should set
    on this civilized
    world of men

    Day's end and
    the dreams of men
    begin to soar

    The western sky
    a faded polaroid
    of imperialism

    And they're burning Darwin
    by letting bush
    address the state

    Life may only
    be a pilgrimage
    to enlightenment

    And this world
    set sail
    fifteen minutes late

    Sun's rise and
    the days of
    men begin to fall

    Don't call me civilized
    I'm just painting
    the things on my mind

    Day's end and
    the dreams of
    men begin to soar

    but the sands are falling
    and there are no hands
    to flip the hourglass

    Goodnight
    sweet
    death
    Sincerley yours
    -The Mortal Son




    Submitted on 2005-09-13 22:22:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I didn't really think of Katrina or the hurricanes at all when I was reading this..I actually think that association around the hurricanes and Katrina show some different aspects .. or flipped coins .. of this .. but then again that might just be my own thoughts around it .. and I think that the surface association that makes people think about Katrina and such things when reading your poem indicates another problem .. but yeah .. i'll leave that for now. From what I read out of your poem and your description it seems that our thoughts around this 'thing' .. (I want to call it thing because the other words I have for it as a new zealanders can be seen as rather offensive ) seem to be running quite paralell


    I have a couple of questions concerning the issue of your poem . in stanza 11 (4th to last) ..the civilised things in your mind .. well that might not be exactly what you are trying to say here .. although that's how I read it. This statement just seems to come from a different voice and angle than the rest of the poem and thus seems out of place. I mean I like what it is saying but it seems to be missing something. The way it is worded makes me subconciously ask questions like .. why are they calling you civilised.. is this in a specific situation .. is it the Civilised man or the uncivillised man that is calling you civilised .. I am guessing that you might be talking about the label that westeners put on themselves and anyone of their shade of skin or similar upbringing and social codes used and how everyone in the middle east .. asians etc are barbaric and uncivilised per definition ..
    I'm not sure if you are talking about art or poetry = civilised.. this association with the form and the analogies and metaphors that are used as something 'nice', 'orderly' and 'civilised' .. which in my mind has nothing to do with the type of poetry that I write and alot of poets write .. although on the other hand , Most writers of poetry ( i refuse to call them poets ) do fit into this notion of doing something 'civilised' ..

    The second question has to do with your last stanza. Saying goodnight to death as a mortal seems to me like a representation of living in a society that is focused on the dream of eternal life. Something mortal wishing Death a good night .. with the image of the hourglass before it seems to be indicating that it is Death that is going to sleep ...until the hand flips the hourglass. Or you could be saying that Man is going to rest .. in a world that is separated away from death.. tucked in by death and left in an absolute stagnation until someone would want to flip the hourglass of Man ..

    Either way it seems to be suggesting, which I would agree with, that the dream of eternal life and a universal ruling hand and morals (the good vs evil fallacy ) is actually a path towards a critical regression of Humanity and the killing of mans dreams ( something that only lives in mans sleeping states ..hidden away in a cave at night .. not even remembered in the morning .. comlpetely shoved in and kept in the unconcious .. our seas of neglect ..

    basicly my question boils down to; do you see Death as something final that opens a gate to eternity.. or something final that closes the brief experience of life and ends in decomposing and nothingness .. Both views of an absolute end point ..

    Or are you suggesting that death means the end of something. And the end of something always means the beginning of something new. (seeing Death as the threshold point for either cycles or spirals - sort of similar to a all or nothing action potential.. if that means anything to you ../ )

    One thing that sort of rubbed me the wrong way with this poem is your first line .. and the repeated sun's rise and .. day's end and

    I just think it might read better if you moved the and to the next line. This might just be my personal bias, asI very rarely like to see little words like and , of , or and so on at the end of a line where it is normal for most people to put the most pressure .. unless you have some sort of symbolism indicating a shift in pressure or the and carries some important significance it doesnt belong at the end of a line .. ..since the Rise and End are very important words to put pressure on i really think they deserve this place at the end of the line. The And .. with the repitiion and the layout of the poem is of some significance here i think .. and .maybe it deserves a whole line place by itself ..

    Sun's rise
    and
    the days of men
    begin to fall

    ..this sort of separates the sun's rise (day's end ) .. part from the rest of the lines which I thought gave it a good effect if this was done to all the stanzas starting with sun's and day's ..it's easy to read sun's and day's as suns and days ..plural .. without this clear separation of the expression before going on.

    Finally I have to say that the darwin - bush stanza is probably my favourite one in this poem. First off I like the way it makes me think of the burning bush from the bible.. ( I have a poem called ' I want to see a burning Bush ' which talks about a similar image .. heh )
    What I read outof this stanza is that this western sky of your society is burning the evolution of humanity by allowing this anti wiseman, debate team rich kid high school star , in catholic herder clothes and nihilist science hats and oily boots and neck ties by choking creative thought and true faith, true hope .. Like holding on to our conservative and traditional fear of change until it reaches some sort of breaking point of massive power shifts ... or .. the end of a cycle that has to start over again .. all dependent on the threshold point .. on whether its gonna be a spiral or a circular loop ... or like the Sophists, christians and the Hobessian state have been pushing towards for about 2000 years now .. a descending spiral of evolution .. a regression of bloated elitist heads heading towards some form of large implosion ...

    ..sorry if i'm rambling by now .. thanks for a thought provoking poem .. always good to see americans with your frame of mind ..

    cheers ,

    Christian
    | Posted on 2005-09-28 00:00:00 | by x-ianhoyskolt | [ Reply to This ]
      this is the second piece on society i have read today... the first one was on NZ society and politics and since i knew what i was on about and what the poem was on about i had oodles to say about it...
    i do not feel i know anything about your society at all and yet this poem says some pretty clear statements and shares some resounding disillusions...

    you have some well thought out images here... with all the referencing to sun rise/sets i would actually have asked you if it was either time of day when you wrote this as usually i find when i am writing at either time it just kinda slips its way into the write somehow...

    but the sands are falling
    and there are no hands
    to flip the hourglass

    this is a sad image... a bereft way to end the poem... this truely is a parallel image to the sun setting on humanity... there are no hands to flip the hourglass... perhaps god is the only one who could do that and perhaps we have killed him (dunno where that thought came from...)
    and the part about bush and darwin... am i right in assuming Darwin is Charles Darwin the evolutionary theorist dude...? and if so i dont get how we could be burning him with bush... surely we are reinforcing his ideas with bush being such a monkey himself... (completely no offence intended there...)

    Life may only
    be a pilgrimage
    to enlightenment

    And this world
    set sail
    fifteen minutes late

    this part has Alanis Morrissette's Ironic playing in the background... not sure why but it does...
    if the world sets off late does it end late too...? or has it gained momentum (or likewise slowed right down into an agonising drag...)

    i think this contains a lot to think about... you have a lot of ideas that are quite separate within this one whole piece... that takes a bit of skill trying to sew them together so that the thread is as close to invisible as possible and the whole effect is seamless...
    it would seem to me that the sun is the thread and has been tastefully woven to create a solid piece...
    | Posted on 2005-09-15 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Life may only
    be a pilgrimage
    to enlightenment

    And this world
    set sail
    fifteen minutes late

    Oh this is wonderful, but these lines were brilliant! It did have a haunting of Katrina to it, but it was veiled so well that it came through like a still whisper. I really enjoyed this!
    | Posted on 2005-09-14 00:00:00 | by grey_girl | [ Reply to This ]
      this is crazy,simple, and wonderfully sated. some great consise stanzas to swallow in large gulps:

    And they're burning Darwin
    by letting bush
    address the state

    wiht these 3 simple line's there is some much being stated.
    the double meaning of burning darwin like a lampost.. (the phucked up twist of social darwinism.. while at the same time burning darwin for twisitng up his damn theory.
    and then the lower case bush (while you must be referieng to our "beloved" presisdent.). is also referring to a burning bush eh?

    hm... or maybe AI am just ranting at this point.
    but I am enjoing this piece.
    thnaks for sharing
    | Posted on 2005-09-14 00:00:00 | by screams | [ Reply to This ]
      Sounds to me that you are trying to paint a word picture of the evil hand of Katrina and trying to state that the world is too occupied with other things to pay attention to the plight of the Gulf States' in the aftermath of destruction.
    | Posted on 2005-09-13 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    74229

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Rooted in Nature written by Chelebel
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    The World written by jjd
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry