Description: Yeah this is jsut more of the garbage I have written as of late. I honestley dont feel my writing is up to par with what it had been at one point, so please rip this apart and tell me what the bad parts are. I really need to get back into the swing of things
A Reminder -------------------------------------------
from your eyes
like a subtle
of things coming
on that wound
a gift from me to you
never believed in you
the words you sang
in my ear
all about me
how thereís nothing
beautiful hidden beneath
How I grind my
teeth as I sleep
never see the clues
at the end of my nose
And Iíve watched
the clouds rolling in
like the violent breath
of my reckless words
never believed you
close enough to hear
my swallowed thoughts
on the wound
I dug into my chest
scars get harder to see
but never to feel
johnny...and agian i read your desc ription and get annoyed...lol...because your being so hard on yourself when this write is fantastic...when i read this i get almost an let me think ...not really stream off thought...more like lying in bed not able to sleep...thinking of all the mistakes you.ve made...feeling like your not good enough...and i dont know i'm rambling like a moron...i can;t fully define how this piece makes me feel...there are defently stirred emotions and sighs as i read beneath the actual words you have written...its like reality slapping you ...the first stanza took my breath away when i read it...every word showing the meaningfulness ...and the fifth stanza...how you speak of this person knowing theres nothing beautiful underneath...i understood it as this person knows you so well they.ve seen ever part of you even the not so perfect part...i don't know...mayb e i;m misun derstanding...my comments royally suck lately...but i just couldn't stay away from this one everytime i read it i liked it even better than before...ange
hi again let me know if you dont want me to comment the last two stanzas are really good i think they are possibly the best "But I never believed you close enough to hear my swallowed thoughts" not gonna lie that confuses me and i think the meaning gets alittle lost but i do like this one the tears and wounds images work well
ugh! i wish you wouldnt be so hard on yourself... the whole 'you are your worst critic' thing is very evident in your world right now therefore i officially fire you as critic of your work!!
Iíve seen stars raining and tears from your eyes
this is such an amazing beginning... really it is... stars raining and tears falling... to put them alongside eachother is HUGE... stars raining is one of THE most amazing things to see (and i say this even though ive only ever seen one falling star which was on my 21st birthday...) and for tears falling to find itself in the same breath make the reader realise how important those tears are... perhaps how beautiful they are or just how much they (and the person shedding them) have meant to you... a very bold way to start the piece.
the applying of pressure to wounds that subtly change as we go through the piece is a nice touch... part of me thinks its a lil clichť and yet in the over effect of the piece its really not... do ya know what i mean?
what i love about your stuff is how real and down to earth it is... how you dont try to paint yourself as something you arent...
You know all about me how thereís nothing beautiful hidden beneath
How I grind my teeth as I sleep never see the clues at the end of my nose
i think perhaps the part about nothing hidden beneath is a bit harsh... theres something beautiful in everything if only you are prepared to look for it (aint that right mr green eyes!? hehe) but the part about teeth grinding and blindess to whats under your nose... thats all real... that takes away the fairy tale element this write could have and plonks it right in the now...
the last stanza... it winded me... knocked the stuffing right out of me and im not just saying that either... you are so to the point with your words and thats not something ive found on this site for the longest time... and here i go thinking in songs again... are you familiar with googoo dolls "name"?
scars are souvenirs you never lose the past is never far did you lose yourself somewhere out there did you get to be a star...
this is whats playing in the background of this poem...
while i agree that this isnt how i remember your earlier stuff that is no reason to be calling it crap... honestly... the aim of writing is to connect with the reader while expressing yourself (or atleast thats my current theory on it) and the 4 pieces of yours i have read tonight have certainly done that on one level or another... YOUR FIRED GREEN EYES!
Hmmmm. . .This sounds sort of like something that someone did to me once. I'm probably wrong but this is what I got from your words. A loved one is hurting and they tell you of it. Of how painful it is and maybe even that they want to die but you don't listen you don't truely believe. Then one day they're gone and you're left with what you didn't listen to. And all it does is leave pain inside of you. I've been on both ends of this rope. I've just never sucefully killed myself. I'm sorry this is possibly the story that you tell. I like the way you wrote this. The rythm is good and I don't see why you think your stuff is crap. I like this peace.
I like the wavelike pattern of the symbols and metaphors you use, how they keep re-engaging into the piece, but I have to admit I found the breaks a little tedious. They really broke up the flow of the thoughts, and seemed extremely unnecessary. I don't think breaking it up into sparratic thoughts is a bad idea necessarily, I just think they could be placed more appropriately. I really like the poem though!
Wasn't as rubbish as some of the stuff floating around. Don't get so down on yourself. However, I would say there were too many stanzas - either that or you were too repeditive. I liked the stanza "How I grind my teeth as I sleep never see the clues at the end of my nose" Good closing note as well. But as a piece, it doesn't entirely stand out. Not sure on this one.