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    dots Submission Name: Racing through lifedots

    Author: Seed Cameet
    Elite Ratio:    2.7 - 5/7/6
    Words: 103
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1591
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 775


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    dotsRacing through lifedots

    Shapes race forward
    Faster every breath
    Never sense of slowing
    Nor chances for some rest

    Farther onward to tredge
    Sliding through the muck
    Always searching freely
    Oneday to find the edge

    Clouds conceal ones sight
    Desire shirinks too
    The quest forever endless
    Towards the pipers tune

    Following comes easiest
    The path sure to find
    Only think about the ending
    The circle anews with time

    Back to the basics
    Fear, unceartainty swells
    Many lessons learned
    Must heed the pipers yell

    Explore the world around you
    So much to behold
    Answers always waiting
    Again to be retold

    Submitted on 2005-09-15 08:29:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      okay, read the title, was that your intention...to make the reader feel as if the drift was on fast mode...don't know...race through life...yeah...ah, never mind...
    | Posted on 2005-09-17 00:00:00 | by idlewriter | [ Reply to This ]
      so, not alot of punctuation...the comma in there, it's either you're going to use it or not, don't just put one in there...
    so, I think you need to put more periods and commas and hypens/censuras...it would make the poem flow a lot better...when I was reading, it felt like I was in a race, trying to finish it and I didn't know when or where to stop and breathe,, to think about what you're writing about...
    I mean it's a good poem, but sometimes punctuation will be the foudation of a poem...in this one, you need it to make it flow more...just a thought...
    but good, good poem
    | Posted on 2005-09-17 00:00:00 | by idlewriter | [ Reply to This ]

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