Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Foreverdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Raivn
    ASL Info:    33/f/al
    Elite Ratio:    4.28 - 1222/916/231
    Words: 167
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1040
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1034



    Description:
       Not my best effort ever. But I wrote this a while back, and figured, "what the hell, why not?"


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsForeverdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Can't you stay just a moment longer?
    This moment is my world.
    Time lost all meaning when you walked out the door,
    And my life completely unfurled.
    Can't I have just one more hug?
    Touching you makes me whole.
    Your hands are the only things that have ever reached
    That deepest portion of my soul.
    Would you smile at me like that?
    Cause I can't help but return that grin.
    Your eyes crinkle at the corners, and I wonder
    If you could ever love me again.
    Will you hold me one last time
    When my tears start to fall?
    Because sometimes I can't help but wonder
    If you ever really knew me at all.
    Could you kiss me just once more?
    Your lips are all I need.
    There was always such heat between us.
    Who knows where it could lead?
    When you pat me on the head,
    And smile just like you do,
    Don't you know that I can't get out?
    I'll forever belong to you.




    Submitted on 2005-09-15 09:51:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      WOW... this is a very stong write. i love they rythem it has. Very brillant. I can picture how you must feel for this person!

    all i can say for now!

    PEACE OUT

    ~mag
    | Posted on 2007-09-11 00:00:00 | by Magger32 | [ Reply to This ]
      oh my god, raivn
    i feel you....this is so tragically beautiful, like crystal tears, so delicately beautiful, little melancholy promises
    this piece is so utterly alive to me, makes me feel it, and live it and breathe it and KNOW it
    this is absolutely the saddest inevitablity

    "When you pat me on the head,
    And smile just like you do,
    Don't you know that I can't get out?
    I'll forever belong to you. "
    that sad final farewell, when you know that whatever you had is finally gone, but still there inside you, like a demon you cant exorcise, or a memory cant, dont want, to block out

    "Will you hold me one last time
    When my tears start to fall?
    Because sometimes I can't help but wonder
    If you ever really knew me at all."
    i love this part, i feel this part
    it makes me want to cry even while i smile at the talent and wisdom and thought put into this piece....

    excellent
    xoxo
    | Posted on 2007-09-10 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]
      very nicely written with feelings that go deep. "Time lost all meaning when you walked out the door," love that line."Touching you makes me whole." and "There was always such heat between us." very good. deep love and passion. wonderful piece,

    ~mike
    | Posted on 2005-09-17 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
      You know I think that I have decided finally that you are the coolest IN THE WORLD!

    Love you soo much and I hope that you are happy and I like this poem...another one about him...but that is my only complaint.
    | Posted on 2005-09-15 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      i would encourage you to rework this piece. as you said, it's older, but you do have some absolutely awesome lines in here. my favorites are:

    This moment is my world.

    Would you smile at me like that?
    Cause I can't help but return that grin.

    i think you have the sketch for a great poem here, you just need to paint it now...

    oh, and can i make another suggestion? as i read i thought maybe you change the title to "wonder"...because both meanings of the word apply to this poem...you wondering about this guy who is literally a wonder to you...just and idea :)

    daddy like.
    | Posted on 2005-09-15 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ]
      Geez girl! You can write some of the most heart wrenching stuff! I feel every word that is written in this piece. It's so sad, but nice to read. I can't comment too much more than that! Great job!
    Candi
    | Posted on 2005-09-15 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    74377

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    4th of July written by layDsayD
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Push written by JanePlane
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    The Promise written by annie0888
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Incubus written by monad
    Giving written by jjd
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    untitled written by Chelebel
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    Linger written by saartha
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry