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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Foreverdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Raivn
    ASL Info:    33/f/al
    Elite Ratio:    4.28 - 1222/916/231
    Words: 167
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 941
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1034



    Description:
       Not my best effort ever. But I wrote this a while back, and figured, "what the hell, why not?"


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsForeverdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Can't you stay just a moment longer?
    This moment is my world.
    Time lost all meaning when you walked out the door,
    And my life completely unfurled.
    Can't I have just one more hug?
    Touching you makes me whole.
    Your hands are the only things that have ever reached
    That deepest portion of my soul.
    Would you smile at me like that?
    Cause I can't help but return that grin.
    Your eyes crinkle at the corners, and I wonder
    If you could ever love me again.
    Will you hold me one last time
    When my tears start to fall?
    Because sometimes I can't help but wonder
    If you ever really knew me at all.
    Could you kiss me just once more?
    Your lips are all I need.
    There was always such heat between us.
    Who knows where it could lead?
    When you pat me on the head,
    And smile just like you do,
    Don't you know that I can't get out?
    I'll forever belong to you.




    Submitted on 2005-09-15 09:51:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      WOW... this is a very stong write. i love they rythem it has. Very brillant. I can picture how you must feel for this person!

    all i can say for now!

    PEACE OUT

    ~mag
    | Posted on 2007-09-11 00:00:00 | by Magger32 | [ Reply to This ]
      oh my god, raivn
    i feel you....this is so tragically beautiful, like crystal tears, so delicately beautiful, little melancholy promises
    this piece is so utterly alive to me, makes me feel it, and live it and breathe it and KNOW it
    this is absolutely the saddest inevitablity

    "When you pat me on the head,
    And smile just like you do,
    Don't you know that I can't get out?
    I'll forever belong to you. "
    that sad final farewell, when you know that whatever you had is finally gone, but still there inside you, like a demon you cant exorcise, or a memory cant, dont want, to block out

    "Will you hold me one last time
    When my tears start to fall?
    Because sometimes I can't help but wonder
    If you ever really knew me at all."
    i love this part, i feel this part
    it makes me want to cry even while i smile at the talent and wisdom and thought put into this piece....

    excellent
    xoxo
    | Posted on 2007-09-10 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]
      very nicely written with feelings that go deep. "Time lost all meaning when you walked out the door," love that line."Touching you makes me whole." and "There was always such heat between us." very good. deep love and passion. wonderful piece,

    ~mike
    | Posted on 2005-09-17 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
      You know I think that I have decided finally that you are the coolest IN THE WORLD!

    Love you soo much and I hope that you are happy and I like this poem...another one about him...but that is my only complaint.
    | Posted on 2005-09-15 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      i would encourage you to rework this piece. as you said, it's older, but you do have some absolutely awesome lines in here. my favorites are:

    This moment is my world.

    Would you smile at me like that?
    Cause I can't help but return that grin.

    i think you have the sketch for a great poem here, you just need to paint it now...

    oh, and can i make another suggestion? as i read i thought maybe you change the title to "wonder"...because both meanings of the word apply to this poem...you wondering about this guy who is literally a wonder to you...just and idea :)

    daddy like.
    | Posted on 2005-09-15 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ]
      Geez girl! You can write some of the most heart wrenching stuff! I feel every word that is written in this piece. It's so sad, but nice to read. I can't comment too much more than that! Great job!
    Candi
    | Posted on 2005-09-15 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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