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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Empty Bottlesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Raivn
    ASL Info:    33/f/al
    Elite Ratio:    4.28 - 1222/916/231
    Words: 207
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 719
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1198



    Description:
       I didn't have a title for this, so I thought, hey random title off the top of my head. and I thought, "empty bottles." and I went back and read it with the title, and it sounds like a sad, drunken rant. So, it worked out perfectly. Weird how that happened.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEmpty Bottlesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I don't want to have a heart.
    I don't want to have to cry.
    I don't want to be alone.
    I don't want to ask you why.
    I don't want to see your face.
    I don't want to hear your voice.
    I don't want to love you now.
    I don't want you to have a choice.

    I just want to be complete.
    I just want to smile again.
    I just want to have a purpose.
    I want to melt into your skin.
    I just want to fade away.
    I just want to not be here.
    I just want to start over.
    I just want to lose this fear.

    I need to see your face.
    I need to feel your touch.
    I need to hear your voice.
    I need your love so much.
    I need to disappear.
    I need to run away.
    I need to find a way out.
    I need you here today.

    I feel so dead inside.
    I feel alive with you.
    I feel unhappy every moment.
    I feel there's nothing left to do.
    I feel like you still love me.
    I feel this agony in my heart.
    I feel tears slipping down my cheeks.
    I feel my whole world fall apart.




    Submitted on 2005-09-15 10:01:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like this one cause it rhymes real real nice...I like the repitition...I think that it enforces what you are feeling and keeps the emotions constant...but yea Raivn this was cool and you can totally talk to me if you wanna...I am gonna try and come over there and sell cookie dough yo!
    | Posted on 2005-09-16 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      well, I do agree that the repitition is good, but you might want to think about maybe breaking it up into seperate stanzas headed by the repeated phrase, easier on the eyes definitely. for example...

    I need
    to see your face.
    to feel your touch.
    to hear your voice.
    I need your love so much.
    to disappear.
    to run away
    to find a way out.
    I need you here today.

    Really a personal preference thing, just a suggestion. I like the title, it sounds right with the piece. Doesn't really seem that much like a rant to me though. I agree that the melt into your skin needs to be fixed probably. Other than that, very good.
    | Posted on 2005-09-15 00:00:00 | by thezeroman88 | [ Reply to This ]
      My only critique is the form break in the second paragraph where you eliminated the word "just". Seeing that it is the only line in all four groupings that does not adhere to your form of matching each line, it is noticeably out-of-place
    | Posted on 2005-09-15 00:00:00 | by Emerging Soul | [ Reply to This ]
      well i like it. and i'm gonna warn you...you're gonna get some ignorant asses on here saying that repetition is bad and rhyming is bad and it's old and overdone and yadda yadda yadda...ignore them. repetition, when done well, can have a mantra-like effect on the the reader and on the poem, and you've done that here. great job. daddy like.
    | Posted on 2005-09-15 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ]


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