Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Bitter Sweet Dreamsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: playcrackthesky
    ASL Info:    21/f/IA
    Elite Ratio:    4.46 - 463/457/88
    Words: 56
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1026
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 403



    Description:
       I'm not thinking this is finished, or polished, or even half way decent. So I could really use some constructive critism.


    ps. i took dans advice, and edited this.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBitter Sweet Dreamsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Feeling him feel me
    but seeing your eyes.

    I'm not sure of anything.

    Be my sweetest mistake
    knocking on eyelids,
    and screaming in ears.

    He's searching my shirt
    for something other than my heart.

    Smiles don't compare
    but his lips are here
    and thatís more
    than can be said for you.




    Submitted on 2005-09-15 19:45:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      wow, wow, wow...well I know you wrote this a long time ago, but I just came across it and HAD To comment. What a sad thing huh? To be with a guy, but wanting with everything you are to be with someone else. To know that they aren't touching you with the same kind of love, and that his eyes and everything about him doesn't even come to close to comparing with the one you love. I loved the ending though...it was like you were saying..ya this guy doesn't compare to you at all..but he's here dammit. And I just..I really liked the sort of bitterness at the end, because that's real, and that's how it feels in a situation like that. I loved it. Great write. ~hailie~
    | Posted on 2007-06-24 00:00:00 | by loveispain | [ Reply to This ]
      Steph, I think this poem could use some polishing but the baseline is excellent. The feelings here definitely portray the bitterness in your title and your words speak loudly. Nothing can really compare to someone who is actually present in your life. Touching and holding you and just being there. The distress of wanting that someone to be someone else is such a painful conflict and I can relate to these words. A tough inner struggle to find happiness and fulfill needs at the same time is the message I get from this poem. And that is something so frustrating to feel. What you have here is really good and this poem could grow into something even more powerful with some added emotion and feelings. Maybe describe in more detail the inner conflict and the motivation that drives you to be with someone that only touches you at the surface. And lemme know if you add to this cause I would love to read it again if you add to it! Very nice beginning! Take care!

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-09-21 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh, I like this as it is. I love "knocking on eyelids." I guess every female can relate to "He's searching my shirt/ for something other than my heart."

    Smiles don't compare
    but his lips are here
    and thatís more
    than can be said for you.

    That's so bitter. The unwritten part says that he's away and wasn't too good to you when he was there. You did a great job portraying lots of emotions in a few words, Amy
    | Posted on 2005-09-20 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      See, now- I thought it was very grood. And has an awesome flow- very mellow. Love what youíre saying here and I offer a slight editing suggestion:


    Feeling him feel me
    -but seeing your eyes

    I'm not sure of anything

    Be my sweetest mistake
    -knocking on eyelids

    And screaming in my ears

    He's searching my shirt for something other than



    -my heart

    An I know smiles don't compare
    -but his lips are here

    Thatís more than can be said for youÖ
    | Posted on 2005-09-19 00:00:00 | by Six_Grey | [ Reply to This ]
      as i said when you showed me this idea i lived this the other night... it was so sad in a way...
    my only thing is that the person im so desperately missing (and it would seem more intensly just now) is never gonna be coming back... dead ppl dont make very good lovers...
    and a friend came over the other night... a friend with whom i have a very close and complex history with and yeah... blah blah blah... and while i felt so safe it was so heartbreaking coz he wasnt my boy... ugh! i dont know why i tell you this... i guess its to show you i know somewhat what this poem is about...

    i like the changes you have made to this write... i really do... it has transformed from when i first read your idea and i really like the way you convey your message but just differently... thats really awesome chic...

    the voice in this write is so sure and yet so shaky... hes no you but your not here... compromise? second best? or just loneliness or trying to move on not working so well... i dunno... this write could be a lot of things i guess...

    i like the way you compare the two of them...
    the shallowness (that you feel) of 'him':

    He's searching my shirt
    for something other than my heart.

    that in turn highlights the idea that 'you' was more looking for love than whatever else girls hide down their tops...
    and even at the end... that his smile is nothing compared to the one your looking at now but almost the defeat that the one you wanna be seeing you cant for whatever reason...

    i know this isnt very clear... reading it is like ripping stitches out of home made scars for me... its a lil too raw in my world but then... ugh!
    you said to me you need to talk about real feelings every now and then and this is too real to not be... if ya wanna talk more about stuff you know where i am...

    asi told you the other day im not at home right now but when i do get home ill give you my MSN messenger addy and we can talk or something... only if ya want like...

    im really impressed with the form this poem took on... i really like it chic... take care of you!
    | Posted on 2005-09-16 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Sometimes its not the lines, but what is written between the lines. That's the case here. This was very well done, entailing a lot in very few words. The brevity of the poem adds to the depth and leaves the reader inserting the unseen words. I believe a typo in the very first word, other then that, I think it stands on its own. Thought provoking and a reminder that we've all been there.
    Carol
    | Posted on 2005-09-16 00:00:00 | by wannabe1 | [ Reply to This ]
      eeek!

    this kinda hurts, cause all i can see is my girlfriend being ravaged by some dude, and it makes me...see red...like the song. the last line...more than can be said for you, something that hurts me, AAGGHH! lol...it's alright, my girl loves me, and soon i'll be ravaging her! i liked the shortness and the powerful feelings here. good job steph.
    | Posted on 2005-09-16 00:00:00 | by austin | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, short and sweet. i think the piece is very good. It's short and straight to the point. That emptiness of not having one person that is in your heart and replaced by a grappling boy like most of us boys are. Is an idea that not many women will admit aloud. I really enjoyed the piece and i know what it feels like to not be with the one but somehow to have just someone is sometimes better than no one.

    Semper Fidelis,
    Christopher
    | Posted on 2005-09-15 00:00:00 | by Soulraven | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey, I HATE PENS, I didn't read your first draft, but Dan's advice has gone a long way, I really like this.

    When you write a poem, first you need to have it fairly clear what you want to say, then decide how tp say it.

    This is structured extremely well to tell its story...you give the background immediately, that you wish it was someone else,

    then you give the uncertainty of feeling that always comes when you "love the one you're with" when you can't be with the one you want...

    And then you condemn that which you want with the accusation..."at least they're here"

    Very well though out, Steph, quite excellent. It tells a huge story for such a tiny poem.

    Well done

    Be Happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-09-15 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      I think you've got to try a little harder with this one. I've read a few 'He's not you' poems on es and some are better then others. It seems a good idea to try and stay away from 'me' 'my' and 'I' as much as possible if you can. Your first stanza is I, I, I, I, and your second stanza is my, my, my, my. Not terrible but it could be better I think. Don't let me discourage you, I'm just another scribbler on the sight and you need to satify yourself first. Diamond Dan
    | Posted on 2005-09-15 00:00:00 | by dmm | [ Reply to This ]
      The eternal struggle continues between unrequited love and the unfulfilling but available substitute. You sound like you've snagged (or been snagged) by someone who adores your vulnerability, revels in your flesh and hardly knows you. The last two lines betray the bitterness you feel toward someone who didn't shower you with the same attention you offered them. Actually, this is a straightforward beginning to emotions that should be explored further in a longer version sometime in the future.
    | Posted on 2005-09-15 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      finally finally finally... lol... talk about bad timing, but tis time i'm gonna comment. for sure i am!

    well i really liked this one to tell you the truth. you always need some physical touch. emotional love is just not enough. i have so many favourite lines in this. and this is a short poem by itself. that definitely makes the whole poem a fvourite!

    smiles cannot compare
    but his lips are here
    and that's more
    than can be said for you

    that part was the best. it's so mean, but so sad at the same time. you can't help but betray the person you love, because they're never there for you.

    great write. it's going on my favs list!

    (sigh... finally commented!)

    Zu
    | Posted on 2005-11-26 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    74461

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry