Description: This is not really dependent on night, but it ties together. This is all true stuff in here by the way, if you want a look into my mind. Once again this is about times when i would sneak out at night and discover my connection to the moon. The alter ego is literally a voice in my head, she guides me well, and i thank her.
-drizzt
Night, part II -------------------------------------------
Walking
I am alone
Just the moon, myself, the stars
Cars passing by
Big rigs making late night deliveries
Or trying to make up that one lost hour.
A trip to the liquor store
I buy some dew
But never do i utter a word
Besides a mumbled thank you
To the cashier
And for a concrete bed
I lie down in the street
And stare up
At the endless stars
Reflecting on pain
Like faces in water
And on pleasure
Like magic mirrors
That show only the past
My alter ego speaks to me
Tells me secrets about my life
Things I did not know
Things I tried to hide
She gives me advice:
Reminds me to focus
Tells me when to go home
I listen to her
Like sweet music
A haunting melody
Played over from all directions
Until I envision her before me
She guides me through insanity
A mentor, though I don't know who she is
And as I learn from her
I forget who I am
Until she is alone
I like the flow of this poem. And I have an affinity with the moon too. To me, Selene embodies secret wisdom, the three faces of womanhood (the maiden, mother, crone triptych that ties in symbolically with the three phases of the moon), the feminine part of our psyche that is in varying balances/degrees between all males and females regardless; and it definitely plays an influence on bodies of water and on our moods/feelings. A powerful influence indeed which I can relate to, both physically and emotionally.
'I buy some dew' - By the way, I like this line, for it's something that I haven't heard put in this way before.
Back to what I was meaning to say... so, you lie on your back on concrete whilst drinking and peering at the moon and stars? I suppose you are in a city of some sort, but I prefer lying on something softer like grass in a park myself. The thought of lying on concrete invokes cold, hard and unpleasant sensations. Not to mention the thought of piles haha. But since this seems to be based on a true experience, it's an observation that would ring truer for you, and hence, diminish its significance if you were to change it to invoke a more pleasant psychological inference of mood.
Well, I do have a few suggestions - read them and tell me what you think of them later on. I think this poem is fine as it is but I also think that an outside observation from another writer/reader would help a great deal. So, here goes...
'Tells me when to go home' <or> 'Tells me when I should go home' - I think that dropping the word 'And' gives it more flow... it prunes unnecessary words (something I have to overcome myself, I might add)... and states it more succinctly, don't you think?
'That plays from all directions' <or> 'Played over from all directions' - I felt that maybe this line was too long in the mouth to read out, so I shortened it... either way, it is up to you, these are just some alternatives for you to contemplate upon.
Oh, I just noticed something else which I wanted to point out as well - 'Big rigs making late-night deliveries, Trying to make up for that one lost hour.'
The word 'or' is another unnecessary word - in fact, by ditching this you tie in your observation of big rigs making up for that one lost hour. And by adding the word 'for' you connect it together even more. This is how I interpreted it, so if I'm off in that assumption, disregard this part totally.
You could also hyphenate 'late-night' and 'alter-ego', and capitalize 'I' in the line - 'But never do I utter a word' - A couple of visual niggles that would tidy this up. But hey, this is your poem. I'm just stating things that I would edit as an afterthought.
Well, I hope this helps. Peace, Jase
P.S. My friend Ana read this poem and really liked it. She felt like you were here with us sitting on her veranda with the moon and big rigs going by. Excellent, well done, tres bien! (that was from her, by the way - Ana made me write that in especially hahaha)
I agree with spenga about the alter ego thing, it is definately nice to see one that is calm and controlled as well as the voice of reason instead of the typical one. I liked how you write this a lot, I thought that it was nice the way that it was broken up a bit, but still had a really stong sense of continuation and emotion. You have obviously really thought about how to work the idea out, and might have had a good editor look it over, but it's flawless none the less. And after the moon and stars thing, I really started thinking about how nobody really takes the time to even do that anymore. Like, we al talk about it and stuff, but we never really take the time to just sit back occassonally. This was really well done
Submission Name: Night, part II
