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    dots Submission Name: Gossipdots

    Author: CleoCollier
    ASL Info:    40/F/South
    Elite Ratio:    4.44 - 83/84/26
    Words: 249
    Class/Type: Misc/Comedy
    Total Views: 732
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1629

       Ya know anyone like this? Quidnuncs-are they just as bad as the people they gossip about? Look for the fun southern references. Any questions, just ask.
    Dump cake is redneck family reunion cookin'-not elegant but so damn good!

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Her-she's the local bumptrix. I suspect her
    of vermicular homicide.
    At the Sequatchie Scuppernong Jubilee she served up some mystery burgoo, said it was offal
    Rumor was it WAS awful, but I steered clear since I'd had my fill of noxious nosh
    After some pineapple relish got me puking for
    three days!
    A bilge pump ain't seen nothing as nasty.

    Anyway, her husband was the squeamish type.
    Reminded me of nothing so much as
    wilted lettuce.
    Definitely the termagantee,
    If you know what I mean.
    In their relationship, no question who'd
    squash the spiders, peel the sunburns,
    dress the fish. AND evidently, bait the hooks.

    You see, one sultry September morning my sons
    set out to fish at Jackson's pond.
    They attest that as they closed in on the
    willows and brambles on the bank they heard a
    givin' him down the road tirade spewing out
    across the water like an illegal sewage pipe.
    About what a wimp,
    what a shrinking, cold shower little penis he was.

    That's when she started shoving earthworms
    down his throat like she was
    stuffing a Butterball.
    After spying this monstrous deed my boys
    turned and ran.
    Smart boys-I raised 'em good enough.

    After that Saturday, her husband was never
    seen again, and well, you can see why I was
    suspicious of her stew,
    especially since she's always been
    a dump cake type of person.

    Submitted on 2005-09-16 08:45:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Too funny. You captured the essence of Southern culture perfectly - the hot afternoons on the porch sippin' lemonade and gossiping about the town slut, about how the Reverend's marriage is falling apart, about Mrs. So-and-So's son's drinking problem... I really liked this. It's nice to see something lighthearted and witty like this on ES. Very well done.
    | Posted on 2005-09-16 00:00:00 | by Pina Colada | [ Reply to This ]
      I absolutely LOVED the second line - vermicular homicide? At that point in your 'piece', I wasn't sure what you meant, but it didn't matter, 'cuz that was such a fabulous line! It took one or two pauses in a couple of places to think about what was written to know exactly what the southern reference was - like for "a giving him down the road tirade". I had to read that a couple of times to convince myself it was right and didn't have some words missing or something.

    This was just fabulous. I loved every single word - especially the second line! mae
    | Posted on 2005-09-16 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
      Omg! haha...she has enough of her wimpy hubby, so she crams him full of worms, kills him, then cooks him up for the Jubilee! And your sons witnessed most of it! No wonder people were gossiping about that 'mystery meat'! Even though I don't really understand too much about the Southern culture or its linguistics, your description helped enough. This is a very well composed ? prose that tells a story which kept my interest from the first line straight throught to the last. I enjoyed it, and played the whole thing out in my mind. Very good story, and well written as well. Thanks for sharing this with us. cher
    | Posted on 2005-09-16 00:00:00 | by Inducted_Kitty | [ Reply to This ]

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