Description: I'm not sure if this is good poetry. I tried putting Strunk's "Omit needless words" rule to use; I strive to be descritive yet sparse (I very much look up to William Carlos Williams). I've never had my poetry read by anyone before, so please be honest. Does it have potential?
On The Frosty Windowpane -------------------------------------------
The man on the bus rests his forehead
-On the frosty windowpane-
He sees the reflection of empty seats
Inside the coach
That’s on its last run
Through tired neighborhoods
With tired houses
That sigh the signs of winter
With their frosty windowpanes
-That are cold-
Pillows for many foreheads.
Bleak stuff. Frozen urban hell, the coldness of the existance wearing away any energy, the isolation that thousands feel...the repetition of tired and the windowpane and the repetition of the life, the journey.
And it certainly is sparce, but fittingly so, I think. Lavish description would spoil it.
This strikes me as a poem about the tiredness of suburbia. Even though you didn't mention it, images of working 9-5 silent grim faces of public transport, etc, etc come to mind. I don't know what youo wer etrying to achieve with the - and - on those two lines, maybe give them a more outstanding place in the poem, but they came across as a bit awkward, almost like a typing error or something. I like how you managed to venture into an original theme for your first poem. Usually popular themes which are done to death are lost love, which is okay for cartharic reasons I guess ... but anyway ... congratulatilns and I hope you keep with it. The last line would make a good title for the poem. At the moment it sits on the end like an ugly duckling, but that is just my opinion, and I'm sure if you post long enough you'll get more than one :)
Submission Name: On The Frosty Windowpane
