Description: Well... I'm always up to a challenge and now that we've all been summoned to create a 'masterpiece' this is hopefully just what I've done.
I'm likening a 'masterpiece' to someone being reborn emotionally - a spiritual reawakening... let me know what you think!
I watch you
carefully emerging
from an insulated
room of tranquility
to leisurely unfold
your rainbow wings
and fly shakily
across a virgin plateau
of discarded emotion
and unburdened pain
You definitely accomplished what you set out to. I think the best thing about this is your word choice - so lovely, and paints the picture you wanted. It is short, so it's hard to choose favorite lines, but these are mine, just based on the beauty of them:
"to leisurely unfold
your rainbow wings
and fly shakily
across a virgin plateau"
I know this is about a spiritual rebirth, but it also could be about someone who was in rehab and came out triumphantly. But that's just because of an experience I've been through so that's why it struck me as such.
Wow, did you ever put pressure on yourself by name the title masterpiece, you get a standing ovation just for that.
Though you wrote I watched you, it still seems to me that your actually looking into a mirror when you wrote this.
It's no wonder why so many people praise this poem and really couldn't decide wether it should be longer or not. That says that this piece of work is truly a masterpiece without anyone saying a thing,bravo
One also would have to know that this will inspire many more poems for you to write. Because from this point on
your rainbow wings and fly shakily across a virgin plateau of discarded emotion and unburdened pain
A renew person has blossom.
I would only change one word. though correct, its interferes with the flow a little "shakily"
my suggestion would be either jittery, wiggly or rickety to show word motion.
this poem was actually very well written, it was too. the only problem i saw here was that it was too short. i enjoyed your use of wording. another suggestion would be to use more imagry and connect your metaphors wording to that imagry. and then this poem would truly be a REAL REAL REAL masterpiece.
So much has already been said about this poem but it does grab the imagination... so I'm tempted to add my own interpretation. It's as if you are writing about an out of body experience where you've experienced so much hurt that you can no longer tolerate it and have removed youself from it physically. So the "I" watching "you" is you watching yourself as a 'survivor' - getting out unhurt and unaffected yet 'flying shakily' since you're not completely untouched by the emotion... Just a different take on it I suppose :-)
I get from this poem that you've idealized and loved someone intenesely and they have taken the easy way out. Left you behind.
I don't know that i could be this optimistic, or kind to someone that left me for an easy path. I think when you love somebody, or they love you, it's wrong to hurt them in any way. Not saying that you should stay with someone, or they should stay with you, but, oh well, it's always a despairing situation isn't it.
Maybe i haven't hit what this poem was written about, but that's what i get.
I love short poetry, and i love this one. Later, Toby
This one is excellent I loved how you explained how when someone steps out into the world it is like all defenses suddenly shut down We are Alone in our battle of us versus the negativity of the world One has to keep a positive outlook to succeed and I see you have that outlook May it carry you to all your dreams God Bless Ron
I am guessing that this commenting marathon has been divided into two parts, one side saying that this write is too short. The other side saying that this is perfect. I don't like to look at length as a factor when reading poetry, unless it is not powerful as it could be when more detail is added. I think the beauty of your write is the amount of power you have put into this with the use of such few words. Bravo. Each word in this carries significance to constitute for this lovely write. What I got from this was that someone had left you very conveniantly with no affect on him/herself, while you were the one to suffer. You put a lot of depth and thought into this write. I'd like if you took a look at a write of mine. Thanks
More iminimalist than I typically go for, but I think you've done a good job here. The critical thing in a short work is to create one simple, high quality image and you've done that here. You haven't told the entire story, just one brief moment of it. Very well done.
Steve
Shameless plug: You might like my "Looking for Wings 2", a more fanfiful approach to the same topic.
Insects... they're so small that we often feel unburdened by their existence... but once we put ourselves in the position of the queen bee... or the flower... or the other ants wriggling their antenna with hopes of getting a response... they wouldn't be so small... sometimes they're even big enough to fit a world.
I think that's what poets do... be insects... door nobs... ponds where the skippers are... dew drops on trees... benches on parks... etc
It's a job that helps us value our humanity...
and, judging from this piece, it's one that you do quite well.
hi...cool write...my name is philip and i am from South africa...i have a long lost friend named beula and she is or was a dj...we used to hang out at Gary Van Geel's house with his mom Linda...i was the short haired brown eyed shorty...are you that beula???...hit me back even if you are not!
Despite the fact 500 people have already adequately commented on this short work, I'll give it a shot. This was (as I said) short, direct and revelatory, particularly the sense that an individual quietly shed past habits/pain/negativity and became something transcendantly beautiful and profoundly transformed. I can't think of a single thing to improve (after all, the caterpillar has already become the butterfly). Nicely done. Wish you the best. Bill.
Being in the phase of your poem I understand the meaning so well. It is more a well wish than explanation and it makes it all seem so natural. As usual you managed to work magic into feelings of despair. You are brilliant.
I thought it was fabulous right up until I got stumpted by the last two lines; "of discarded emotion and unburdened pain" What I'm not sure of is how a plateau can be virgin if it already has discarded emotions and unburdened pain. Or maybe you mean now that those are discarded it is virgin but that would mean it was not virigin anyway. I get confused easily ... can you tell? LOL. But otherwise it is awesome. Very well done! Bill
Ooh, this is very nice! Well, you know I'm a sucker for insect imagery (especially butterflies). This reminds me of how sometimes I'll get really down and cry myself to sleep. Sometimes I'll wake up and feel like a new woman (until life oppresses me again); I'm like a recluse who found the courage to break free, but it's quite universal. I enjoyed this, Amy
Yes mam', complacency is no place to grow, so the wings unfurl, I like that image. we do get around don't we?
and fly shakily across a virgin plateau (great line) of discarded emotion and unburdened pain
I have an idea for this part- I think it works if you like it:
and fly shakily unburdened across a virgin plateau of discarded emotion and leftover pain.
I think the image of unburdened is great but it seems to fit with the flight itself, any adjective would work for pain, so that's your call. You had the frame of this down, well done, as always. thanks for sharing, Beulah. peace and love, Nan
Excellent job! And nicely different to everybody else's! I like the "butterfly" type metaphor of somebody finally coming to grips with their emotions and freeing themselves of their baggage.
Very good choice of words to describe the person's feelings.
wow, yeah you did just that--a transformation and a masterpiece! and you said it in just a few carefully chosen words. nice job Beulah--I have always admired the way you say so much with so little words. it's amazing. I write short poems but I go on and on sometimes! I have to cut things out in some poems because I overstated my case or repeated myself. you never do that. and yet, you say so much more. very nice work.
Hello, I like this one. It short but held a thousands meanings and filled my imagination a little bit more. As I read this a little bit more, about thousand times I believe I won't ever fully grasp your deep meanings.
Or maybe this deep meaning I speak of is all just an illusion and all that i'm trying to search for is right in front of me.
By reading your description, I thank you heartily for putting one there in order to discount my stupidity of trying to understand poems. This one was just a picture that I loved to envision. who needs tv when you help me envision one that those crowd pleasers could never think of.
I found that I begin to imagine who is "you" and and who is "I" ,in the poem, but I assume that this was all put there on purpose. I love this part right here.
to leisurely unfold your rainbow wings and fly shakily across a virgin plateau
The middle is ussually the part where the writer really gets going and makes the poem shine. This imagery you had here reminds me of a new beginning that we all yearn for. To start a fresh outlook on things! I love this part.
The only real question I had on it was the last part which was:
of discarded emotion and unburdened pain
did the person still have pain that wasn't burdened or the person was unburdened OF pain. The discarded emotion I got which was true and beautiful. Maybe my mind was easily befuddled. Just clarify that with me real quick! But great job!
Flying certainly takes time to adjust. I read many things into this about what it was before the transformation. My mind digs into the unwritten words as well as the printed ones.
In so far as people are concerned, i'm not sure what constitutes a masterpiece. As far as poetry goes...i suppose a masterpiece would be a poem that once you've read it...you KNOW that you could never forget it.
This little poem has a few memorable lines, namely "virgin plateau" and "unburdened pain". Those are deep (deep, deep) lines rife with meaning.
I suppose a place of spiritual reawakening would be somewhere that we understand that pain still exists as a necessary condition of living, but that such a realization would be enlightening. And so there is liberty in it...awakening...rebirth. A new way of looking at things.
Submission Name: Masterpiece
