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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Together no matter what!dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: patrick o_riley
    ASL Info:    16, male, ontario
    Elite Ratio:    3.94 - 70/91/25
    Words: 211
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 894
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1423



    Description:
       I need a good tytle please hlep me i ask of you. Thats all.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTogether no matter what!dots
    -------------------------------------------


    At night we go walking,
    Down by the lake.
    Fishermen are talking,
    For fishes they wait.

    In the summer,
    The sun shines low.
    In the winter we fight,
    For a bench full of snow.

    Darkness consumes,
    Adults who scream.
    People assume,
    Itís the street actorís last scene.

    Blood staining my shirt,
    It melts through the snow.
    My face starts to hurt,
    Light comes, I don't know.

    Towards the dark I run,
    Towards a burning hot fire.
    Back near the water and sun,
    My hart it dose tier.

    Someoneís arms around me,
    A whimpering cry.
    Who it is I can't se,
    I stare up towards the sky.

    For a moment I saw,
    My life in rewind.
    There was a strange flaw,
    In my lifeís old design.

    I stop thinking bout that,
    About everything around.
    In the snow I did sat,
    Not even a sound.

    I look at her face,
    A figure of love.
    A blank expression I trace,
    Her face fits like a glove.

    We look like a couple to some,
    An item to more.
    Around people stories did come,
    People start to bore.

    From that day we stayed,
    together by fear.
    Who would die first,
    The truth now draws near...




    Submitted on 2005-09-17 17:50:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I know you said that you just wanted a title, but there are a few places where I think that you could change/improve or whatever, so I've got to tell you. DISCLAIMER: I'm not trying to be mean. (that's because of some guy who gave me crap because I didn't like what he wrote).So, here it goes.

    Towards the dark I run,
    Towards a burning hot fire.
    Back near the water and sun,
    My hart it dose tier.

    I wil pressume that "hart" is supposed to be "heart right there, or at least that's what makes sense to me. And secondly, I have no idea what "tier" is. Is it supposed to be "tear," I don't know, it just seemes a little awkward to me right there, that's all. Maybe just go back and look at it.

    Someoneís arms around me,
    A whimpering cry.
    Who it is I can't se,
    I stare up towards the sky.


    The third line, "Who it is I can't se," I think should be "Who it is, I can't see," Or at least it sounds a little better to me. The punctuation I guess really doens't have to be in there, but it just seems a little more correct I guess if it was. And who is the "wimpering cry" from? You, them, that part is a little unclear, but other wise this part was really stong.

    I stop thinking bout that,
    About everything around.
    In the snow I did sat,
    Not even a sound.

    Okay, first line it should be "about" and not "bout." "Bout" is slang, and it doesn't belong in this, especially since you're taking a very not relaxed point of view to this. This should feel really clean and very almost linear I guess, but that just goobles it up a bit, and in the wrong place. And in the third line, "In the snow I did sat", you should probably reove the "did." It doesn't have a purpose in there, except as an extra word, and it feels really awkward in there. If you read it aloud, it makes is sound really weird.

    We look like a couple to some,
    An item to more.
    Around people stories did come,
    People start to bore.

    The last line is the only one bothering me here. "People stare to bore" just doesn't feel right to me, and I think that it should be "People stare out of boredom." It will flow a little better with the rest of the piece.

    This was so long, I know, and I'm sorry. If there are 2 copies of my comment, please deleate the one because I can't. As much as I nitpicked about those things, I really did like it. It feels really mature, like it was writtne by someone who's a lot older than even I am, and it was a nice feel. I am really impressed because I think that you have officially surpassed my talents, and for that I am proud for you. Sorry about the novel, and hopefully you are closer to a title.

    ~Jessica
    | Posted on 2005-09-18 00:00:00 | by shmuzzelle | [ Reply to This ]


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