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    dots Submission Name: rambelingdots

    Author: patrick o_riley
    ASL Info:    16, male, ontario
    Elite Ratio:    3.94 - 70/91/25
    Words: 111
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1015
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 871


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    cloudy flaws!
    deserted lies,
    Floating around,
    in your eyes!

    Old songs you sing,
    Tears steaming like lakes.
    A sound it rings,
    Streams sound like breaking plates.

    Mistakes and flaws,
    No matter where!
    My dulling claws,
    Creeping stairs.

    Look around,
    no ones like you.
    People we surround,
    creeping around you to.

    piles of sheets,
    melting wax.
    holes in seats,
    Kids playing jakes.

    Stacks of games,
    roles of dice.
    Looks of shame,
    given twice.

    no matter where I go,
    Here or there.
    This is only rambling,
    It might not be fair.

    To sit and listen,
    will take some time.
    You seem to glisten,
    surrounded by grime.

    Submitted on 2005-09-17 18:47:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Okay, first of, you need to change "heir" to "here" otherwise you are saying that someone is going to be next to the throne. And so what if the title is spelt wrong??? I think that it adds a nice touch to it. It kind of makes it feel like it should be more relaxed, and and not all tight like your last one (other than the last one should feel tight, which was really good). And so what, this may not be your best piece ever. But the worst ones are the ones that you won't even put up because you don't think they're good enough, and they probably are. You will write more, and more will be totally awesome. If you ever need or want someone to edit (to pick up on spelling & grammar mistakes), let me know becase I would be glad to help. You know where to find me.

    | Posted on 2005-09-18 00:00:00 | by shmuzzelle | [ Reply to This ]
      Well... alrightie. That last comment was honest, yet unpleasant. I disagree. Yeah, there were some spelling mistakes, but thats not really a big deal. I liked it. It was a bit all over the place, but I thought it was in a good way. I liked the part:

    "Stacks of games,
    roles of dice.
    Looks of shame,
    given twice."

    That was good. Very nicely done, dear

    | Posted on 2005-09-17 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      this was probably the worst poem ive ever read. ever. im sorry i was so harsh, but i call them like i see them. first of all, the title is not spelled correctly. thats the thing that catches people's eye, at least take the time to make that right. then i found spelling mistakes in excess of 10 mistakes throughout the poem. thats just grammar, as for the meaning, i was lost.in some places it was a love poem, in other places it was an angst poem, in still others it was a broken love poem, and still in others i was totally lost. there was too much of an emphasis on rhyming. you lost all discernable meaning with trying to rhyme. while melting wax may rhyme with kids playing with jacks, they have no real discernable connection. i guess it was OKAY for somebody your age, but i still would expect a little more out of somebody expecting others to actually read their works. if you want me to take the time to read your poem, take the time to make me WANT to read your poem. sorry if i was a little harsh, but i'm a firm believer in tough love.
    | Posted on 2005-09-17 00:00:00 | by brokenroses | [ Reply to This ]

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