Description: this was just what i wrote during multiple class periods.. in various colors of ink.. mainly just venting.. thinking.. and trying to block out monotone teachers.. in terms of feed back.. just say what you think, im not partial..
thanks
To The Visible Eye -------------------------------------------
i see my skin betray me
tear itself from the soul it fears
tears come raining inside
just wishing to disappear
i see my breaking echoes
silence through the night
they cant see the pain
all i try to hide
dark elusive stains
alone they will grow
how deep they cut inside me
none will ever know
reflections distort the mind
a slow buzz inside
they just cannot see
i am left no pride
now do i exist
my mind and thoughts all bend
trapped within myself
until the welcomed end
A very heartfelt little poem, it certainly gets its message across, albeit sometimes in a slightly puzzling way.
Your use of "they" at times was a bit perplexing, leaving me to wonder whether "they" were the ones who have brought you to such a melancholy state, or the things that you had recently referred to in the poem, so that's a teensy bit confusing.
Having said that, it has loads of good ponts. I actually love the image of "skin betray me" very good.
You have all the makings of a great poem here, I shall read others and watch your development with interest. It seems you have the right people advising you, anyway.
The first stanza is promising, though I don't quite get "my skin betray me". The next three lines are great though.
Subsequent stanzas become less and less cohesive. What are "breaking echoes"? How do echoes relate to silence through the night? Who can't see the pain?
The third stanza is even more obscure - we start with dark elusive stains - but from what? sin? guilt? blood? How deep they cut inside me - why would the stain cut inside you? Wouldn't that be done by whatever caused the stain?
The fourth stanza is a little better. At least you can fit the thoughts together - 'distort the mind' 'a slow buzz inside' - those two easily flow.
But the last stanza reverts to a cliché. There is nothing redeeming about the last stanza. It should be tossed and another written - with some answer other than suicide - or at least a different take on suicide (no suggestions here!).
I saw creativity in your writing, but then I see it stifled after your first thoughts - or maybe just not developed. I'd suggest you don't rush your writing. Wait for inspiration to come for each stanza and not just the first. In both your pieces, the first stanzas are the best.
Submission Name: To The Visible Eye
