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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Noise Part onedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: josymanthegreat
    ASL Info:    21/m/GA from Puerto Rico
    Elite Ratio:    4.73 - 337/364/104
    Words: 84
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 885
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 540



    Description:
       Part one of a series that I'm trying to build... Please comment on it... ill try to bring out the second part tomorow


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Noise Part onedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Sitting in a dark room,
    with nothing to do,
    letting my mind wonder thinking of another route,
    gloomy night outside as the clock strikes the hour two,

    Something inside haunts me,
    its ticking down to my doom,
    as I look at the clock again,
    it says three instead of two,

    Looking around no one in sight,
    couldnt see anyways no lights,
    squinting with all my might trying to find anything unusual,
    but everything looked alright until I heard the noise.




    Submitted on 2005-09-18 19:29:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Ooo cliffhanger! I love those Yeah... I love it so far. Its like a very poetic story. I'm fascinated... I'm hardly ever fascinated, so you know it means a lot. Anyways... what noise? I guess I'll move on Peace

    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2005-10-04 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      o. 0. o creepy! i was told to read the first and second before the third...so there for i am! im likin it so far!

    XxXsuicidalxxchildXxX
    | Posted on 2005-09-22 00:00:00 | by Suicidalchild51 | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok...you definitely have my interest with this! It is nicely written and expressed and the only thing I would do is fix the appearance of this with those long lines sticking out...I think if you broke them up into 2 lines so the 1st and 3rd stanzas had 6 lines instead of 4 it would add to the appearance and maybe improve the read a bit. I would write it:

    Sitting in a dark room,
    with nothing to do,
    Letting my mind wonder,
    Thinking of another route
    gloomy night outside as
    The clock strikes the hour of two.


    Something inside haunts me,
    its ticking down to my doom,
    as I look at the clock again,
    it says three instead of two,

    Looking around no one in sight,
    couldnt see anyways no lights,
    Squinting with all my might
    trying to find anything unusual,
    but everything looked alright,
    until I heard the noise.

    Now keep in mind this is merely a personal preference here but I do think it helps a bit. As far as what you have written, it is really good! I am intriqued to see what comes next! Good beginning!

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-09-22 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      I simply love this one...everything looked alright until I heard the niose...what a great way to end this and wrap up what you meant here...I love your words man...

    Jaz
    | Posted on 2005-09-21 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      i wanna hear more more more...but u have also posted the part 2 so i guess ima have to read that. i like the mysteriousness to it.
    | Posted on 2005-09-19 00:00:00 | by lil_gh0st_girl | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it... quite mysterious i like that. Noise is such a great word too. Great work, shalini
    | Posted on 2005-09-18 00:00:00 | by sbridges | [ Reply to This ]
      Its a ryming story. How unique. So what's is going to be in the rest of it. i thought it was good.. but then it just stopped. Like wtf where is the rest of it???
    | Posted on 2005-09-18 00:00:00 | by Drea | [ Reply to This ]


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