House of Mine by thehappyfaery

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Submission Name: House of Mine dots

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Author:	thehappyfaery
ASL Info:	17/f/floating over ga..
Elite Ratio:	8 - 106/46/17
Words:	118

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	269
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	900

Description:
i havent been feeling well and this is the only crap thats been coming out of my pen.. uhm..

yeah.. just.. critique it.. bash it... compliment.. whatever..

thanx.

House of Mine dots

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no one walks happily
in this house of mine
all we need,
a miracle divine.
slow fade the smiles
goes away the light
only silence,
desolation tonight

all spirits run screaming,
in this house of mine
fiends and swarms
giving grotesque signs.
fast moving shadows,
the vampire's bite
what darkness,
in which, we take no delight

they do speak thinly,
in this house of mine,
calm and cool
in the corners of time
eating the thoughts up,
back into the fright
all guilty conscience
a feeling, trite.

i whisper silently,
in this house of mine
my screams forgot,
the poisonous vine.
quickly against me
a venemous sight
storm clouded memories
too distorted to fight.

Submitted on 2005-09-18 19:57:53 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Alright, I think it's a good first draft but the at some points the flow is awkward and the message isn't being sent as well as it could be. Here's my suggestions:

I think you should put the comma after the second line instead of the third and add an is in there, just to make it flow better. Turrn slow to slowly and fade to fades. I like the end of the first stanza but the before it seems kinda awkward.
In the second stanza after the first to lines put a period. The last 2 lines of it also seem kinda awkward.
3rd stanza period after 4th line "in corners of time".
4th stanza period after second line and take it out of the 4th line. Other than that I like it.
| Posted on 2005-12-26 00:00:00 | by Lady Ankou | [ Reply to This ]
  whisper silently,
in this house of mine
my screams forgot,
the poisonous vine.
quickly against me
a venemous sight
storm clouded memories
too distorted to fight.

This is exellent!

This part I didn't understand...

fast moving shadows,
the vampire's bite
what darkness,
in which, we take no delight

I read it a few times, and I just didn;t get it. I think this is a good write though, it sounds similar to how I ued to feel about my house.. I just would have put it alot more bluntly... unfortunately. Anyway, I hope things cheer up for you! Have a great day!

Cheers
Tom
| Posted on 2005-12-09 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ]
  This peice is one of the best poems that i've read in my short time here. To start, you were really morbid and dark without being clichéd, something that isnt nescesarily easy to do. Definatley made me feel trapped and lost when i read this poem, as i think that might be what you are trying to convey. I think alot of what you are trying to say is about ones demons/guilt/fear/anger entrapping you. And confounding you. The referance to the house is either literal and refering to family problems and it sort of portrays the hideousness of petty fighting. If it is figurative, i would think you are just talking about your mind as the house. But either way, this was an amazing piece and im adding it to favorites.
| Posted on 2005-11-30 00:00:00 | by Visionary | [ Reply to This ]
  This is really well written- It gives me thoughts of a home full of yelling and screaming or silence, a family that either ignores each other or fights with each other.

It has a really good flow, and the line 'all spirits run screaming in this house of mine' made me think of my house so bad... is it kind of like everyone ignoring one another and then a fights breaks out between two of them and suddenly everyone's paying attention? If not still a great line, I always imagine spirits to be sleepy and soft and so that word screaming just jarred in my head.

The last stanza isn't very clear, so maybe a little more information in your description would help.

I like this a lot though, a really good write.
| Posted on 2005-09-29 00:00:00 | by AllyRose | [ Reply to This ]
  hi this is jimi
i kinda like it it contains so many images or lets say i think it does. thats why i suppose its hard to interpret.stuff like "the house of mine" have a lot of interpretations.
bash it... i think its more something in your head or in someone others head.ah i´m too bad in english to explain.the feeling in this poem(which is judged as darkness) is really confusing i like that.
even no one knows what its really about its great, or its the main thing in this poem, everyone can build his own oppinion about it.
oh i´m drifting er good night and dream way too good.or better not?
uh jimi the james
| Posted on 2005-09-25 00:00:00 | by Jimi James | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm a little bit lost in this one. The way it started, I thought it was going to be about a young person who is depressed. I really like the way you started - "no one walks happily/in this house of mine" - that's really a couple of great lines.

But then it changes and becomes even darker - but I'm not sure if I'm reading it correctly. Is it kind of a "horror flick" poem? Or are those just metaphors for an unhappy household?

I also liked"eating the thoughts up" (though I'd suggest deleting 'up') in the third stanza.

But the last stanza? I don't know what it says, I don't know what it means, I don't know what suggestions to make concerning it - I think you should just ditch it and write a new one.

I guess overall, I think this needs a rewrite - to make your theme clearer. The darkness comes through loud and clear - it's just the reason for it that's sort of obscure. mae
| Posted on 2005-09-20 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
  ok whew this alone scares the hell out of me:: "all spirits run screaming" that is something I shudder visualizing. again with "friends and swarms giving grotesque signs." the dark tones prevail through most of the write, the intensity calms down but that intensity you do have is freaking scary. I bet if you put your mind to it you can make some hellish writes. very good and very creepy,

~mike
| Posted on 2005-09-18 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
  well this poem jumps around a bit but it goes well, i don't get in one stanza why you talk about a vampires bite because when i was reading it i kinda thought that maybe there is a lot of fighting going on in your house and then you said something about friends so i was like maybe you are fighting a lot with them, and then you said the whole vampire bite and it threw me off a little, other then that one line the poem to me was very good and reminded me of the problems with my friends at school, (it's a big problem one friend pissed at another friend and me and a few other people are being forced to pick sides and it is way out of the bounds to where it should be.)

I'd have to say that one of my favorite lines would be

"silently whisper
in this house of mine
screams forgot,
a poisonous vine.
quickly against me
the venemous sight
storm clouded memories
too distorted to fight."

I like this one so much because even though it was bad, it reminded me of something that i just really want to forget, the whole slient whispers, and forgoten screams, just rings bells for me.

~liz~
| Posted on 2005-09-18 00:00:00 | by Fadingperson | [ Reply to This ]

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