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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Lost Blackdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: wallya20
    ASL Info:    18/m/Bahamas
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 113/68/26
    Words: 277
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 806
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1649



    Description:
       Opression can't keep every nigga down...believe


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Lost Blackdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I’d like to go where the flower petals glide
    I’d like to go through a train’s tunnel
    Hands in my pockets, back bent, head back
    Kicking the rocks as I go along

    Visit the empire of angels
    Have a sit and chat with God
    Ask Him many questions
    Head down looking at my feet
    Being careful not to look in His eyes
    To see who I really am

    Lay back with my head in the white shadow
    My feet in the black
    Try to figure out the diversity
    Ask people why they see 2 different colors
    Instead of a glitch in the pastel of our being

    Plunge myself 6 feet deep
    Mingle with the dead
    Listen to all of them say I wish……
    They all wish

    Travel into each novel
    Live other peoples live fictional and real alike
    After all everyone wants to be someone else
    Am I right?
    I have always wanted to be Valentino
    That’s who I am; I live with the painful fact that I am myself
    No one else is like me unique in every single category
    You are ashamed to be who you really are
    Negative affects of pop-culture
    Racism still raging, Murder on the rise
    We are such a loving world aren’t we?
    Sarcasm of course

    I lost my sight of the world
    Visions of hate like a never ending nightmare
    So I’d like to be lost
    Feel alone but not opressed
    At least I would be one less black man to worry about
    One less murder in progress
    The world is full of fakes
    So now I’m going, I’m going to be real




    Submitted on 2005-09-18 20:16:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hi I will take this opportunity to thank you for your lovely comments on my poem "moments..with you" I am glad you like it.
    Now to your poem, it is a very strong poem. And I like the message you are giving us through it. It has a very smooth flow. You are describing every "situation" very well. You are very right everyone wants to be someone else. You are talking about same very serious problems of our world. It always much more difficult to write on such subjects.

    Visit the empire of angels
    Have a sit and chat with God
    Ask Him many questions
    Head down looking at my feet
    Being careful not to look in His eyes
    To see who I really am

    I really love these lines, it is very creative. It draws a very nice picture.
    Well done with love shabnam
    | Posted on 2005-09-20 00:00:00 | by shabnam | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a great write I do believe! I liked how you described everything without being so extremely "common worded" about it. I hate the word cliché, so I'm not gonna use it! lol
    This is touching on issues that you hit with quite a bit of class, though you could completely sense a bit of rage throughout. You make sure to keep it real, people will notice-at least the important ones will. Great job and keep it up!
    Candi
    | Posted on 2005-09-20 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
      There seems to be two styles of communication in movement here. One is said through images (like the white shawdow and feet in the black) and one of political rage (mostly in the second last para). Personally I prefer to read things done in the first style, but regardless, I don't think they join too well together in this poem.

    Also

    Plunge myself 6 feet deep
    Mingle with the dead
    Listen to all of them say I wish……
    They all wish

    This sudden jump into death and graveyards strikes me as a bit out of place .. I don't know if it adds anything to the poem.

    To me the poem would be more complete if you took out para 4 and 5.

    Anyway, technical disections and cosmetic surgery aside, this is a good poem. The title is clever and paves the way for the method that you mostly use to describe things. It is quite difficult to say anything about racial issues these days without using the language of stereotypes or political rage. I think you avoided this problem by slowly gliding the reader into the issues you want to talk about, particularly in the second para.
    | Posted on 2005-09-18 00:00:00 | by kanu | [ Reply to This ]


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