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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: holesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: on1eday.co.uk
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 887/402/54
    Words: 51
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1734
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 378



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsholesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    that time
    hangs
    with the empty coat hangers
    still moving like skeletons
    what the hell happened to
    'shelter me, my love,
    and i ll shelter you?'
    there are gaps in the dvd collection
    fuck doesn't sound like fuck anymore
    and everything is a song
    sung breathless
    in someone else's ear.




    Submitted on 2005-09-19 11:01:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      feel an updated version of "ST. Elmo's fire" when ally sheedy and judd nelson were breaking up..and divying up the albums...

    arguing about whose was whose..

    time in my closet...i am in that closet now with the hangers...that like skeletons remind me of the once very alive love that now is dead..

    what happened to taking care of each other...till death do us part..nah..
    more like till the first major disagreement and the suitcases are packed..
    and the significant other is singing songs to someone else..

    i like the line
    "[censored] doesn't sound like [censored] anymore'
    that could have so many conotations...

    a really intense write...

    i saw myself in it...

    related

    like your work much.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-03-14 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      I just saw this on Charlie_5's faves so I read it and WOW. Excellent description with the empty coat hangers like skeltons and the gaps in the DVD collection. Concise and hard like a fist hitting a wall. I think you voiced that anger and resentment and feelings of betrayal very well. I am putting it on my faves list too !
    | Posted on 2005-11-27 00:00:00 | by BLee | [ Reply to This ]
      Thanks for sharing... and thanks to Lorna for having it listed on her favorites. I am glad I stopped by. Since several of the views here match my own, I will move on to something else that you have written...
    Thanks again,

    Monica
    | Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by mon28 | [ Reply to This ]
      I couldn't believe I hadn't commented on this piece so I actually scrolled down through the names to make sure I really hadn't commented on such a wonderful piece.
    Some things happened in my life around the time you posted this so I believe that's why I'm just now getting to this.
    This is simple in it's important simple things in life. "gaps in the dvd collection" That is relatable. People feel that. People yearn for that commonality with that one special person.
    And when "[censored] doesn't sound like [censored] anymore and everything is a song sung breathless in someone else's ear." life seems like one big failure. And it's heartbreaking. And real. And you feel a hole in your heart.
    This is wonderful. This is definitely a favorite. I enjoyed every little detail from time hanging to someone else's ear.
    Take care.

    -blt
    | Posted on 2005-11-12 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked the simile of the coat hangers as skeletons, but the last three lines were among the best I've ever read by you.
    You've conveyed more sense of grief in this brief piece than many that are written as a volume.
    Thanks for posting this.
    Sorry I'm not by the site as much these days.
    | Posted on 2005-11-09 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      This is an effective write. I like the specific examples you use to show the missing pieces here like the gaps in the dvd collection. I think you could explore the concept of feeling this hurt in the bones in 'empty coat hangers/still moving like skeletons;' there's room to expand the metaphor here if you want, but it stands very well as is. Nice work.

    Peace,

    Joe
    | Posted on 2005-11-08 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      Your attention to detail is effective here, from the empty hangers still moving to the missing dvd's it is all indicative of absence and abandonment.

    The use of hang/hanger stands out audibly and seems a waste of words in such a short poem.

    I would suggest,

    swings

    but suspect you want time to hang so how about

    hangs
    on empty coat frames

    or

    hangs
    where your coat just was (or …was just)

    or

    hangs
    with the bare frame that just held your coat

    anyhow, the point is to get as much from what you got hanging on hangers is redundant and wasteful. Skeletons is going to evoke skeletons in the closet so if you don’t want to go there then find another way to say bare, besides skeletons don’t actually move without the help of muscles. I personally don’t mind skeletons you took a literal defense of hang with hangers in you response to pen so what off skeletons moving bub. Poetry is the heavy hand of poetic license.

    I like the lower case i in L7 and the double use of [censored] works well in L9 the alliteration in the closing lines works well to evoke longing and wispy absence. Ya, it’s a nice tit for tat between sense and emotional response in the instant of experiencing a moment.
    | Posted on 2005-11-07 00:00:00 | by Car va g o | [ Reply to This ]
      Excellent write
    You were able to express yourself and the pain your feeling quite easily
    I can tell from your words that this was a very loving relationship that she just left cold

    I dont think you will have any problem finding true love thou
    Your to positive
    Take Care
    Ron

    Please if you get a chance take a look at some of my poetry and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-11-03 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really good. Such a powerful and meaningful expression in so few words is really incredible. I love the first 3 lines used to begin this poem! This metaphor:

    that time
    hangs
    with the empty coat hangers
    still moving like skeletons

    This is so perfect! How awesome this describes your feelings and the depth of hurt and disappointment one feels when a relationship has ended and truth has been revealved. Such a sad write. Time does pass as if it were standing still when you feel pain. Nothing has any meaning to it and things that once were enjoyable no longer have meaning to them. I could go on and on about this write and how much I respect it for what it is. So well written and expressed. The emotion is real and the way you have described your feelings is unique. This is excellent. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-11-03 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      well i think that you have the ability to convey that bone cancer sensation of deep hurt and/or disappointment.
    disappointment: an average sort of word but i think you'll appreciate the context i've used it in...
    I don't recall reading anything quite so complete: each idea of a line supports the next and previous and the overall effect is one of being a mud skipper being beaten by an outgoing tide.
    as ever, there is erudite comment up the ying yang here but once again, I find myself in the fortunate position of coming along late in the day to deliver the 'it says this to me' comment.
    barren and the prospect of living in a near vacuum.
    ace.
    K
    | Posted on 2005-10-03 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
      Despair always gives birth to the most beautiful kids…

    Humanity was never engineered for loneliness or for losing things wherein pieces of them were invested in. Even the word [censored] means too much when it is used to indicate the conception of a being that can never be touched because it belonged to a moment that has already passed. And, to be robbed of the right to look back to that moment is painful. And, a copy of Legally Blonde does have the ability to mean the world to both people if it makes the box of Big Fish or Million Dollar Baby slant ever so noticeably.

    At least… that’s what I think.

    The images of the most pain-stricken people are often embedded on those ordering meals for two instead of those who cry in the bathroom. ‘Cause tears often come right after the acceptance. And you know they are the once who are willing to use that motel-towels and wipe it all away.

    Yeah… I like this one.

    It is one of those silent tragedies that make reality TV more striking than another film about Paris or some racial Romeo and Juliet.

    I admire the absence of capital letters. It’s as if you are trying to whisper these sentiments to yourself. With this piece, the whole thing seems as though you are more willing to make this heard the way it actually went rather than polishing it into something too sweet to be delicious - something flashier… something glamorized… something… more… Hollywood-like.

    Yep… this is a very loud and beautiful whisper.
    | Posted on 2005-10-01 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      Time is slow when we r sad! isn't it?
    It flies away when we r happy but it hangs empty when the reason for happiness is gone.

    It is also amazing how we notice things differently, when love is over ... All reflects our mood.
    Everything with a space seems as empty as we feel, as empty as all those dreams we had, as all these hopes we hung on to...

    You come to just wonder how someone who affected ur life this much, did have their lives affected the same by you?
    And everytime you think you got over it, something small like your poem gets it all back, in painful waves!

    and everything is a song
    sung breathless
    in someone else's ear.

    Someone who should have been you, but would that make us less unhappy if there is no other someone?
    Or are we just unhappy cos someone we wanted this much does not want us the same?

    I did not really comment ur poem, I just rambled. I have been avoiding the commenting process lately because of that.
    But take it as a compliment since ur little teeny weeny poem stirred all these feeling in me...

    After all that is what is a poem is all about, no?
    Goes to my favorites anyway... need i say more?

    Viviane
    | Posted on 2005-09-29 00:00:00 | by babyblue002 | [ Reply to This ]
      More like a sinkhole.
    Or a drainplug.

    It needs some serious plunging.
    Abstraction comes from all forms.
    And wall flys don't welcome butterflies.

    If I said the backbone of this write would be what lies in the singular quotation marks..would I be dishonest?

    And if I ventured into thinking that someone stole your copy of Fear and Loathing to leave the gap in your collection, would I be foolish?

    -Toast
    | Posted on 2005-09-22 00:00:00 | by iShoes | [ Reply to This ]
      wow, i love it. you've tackled a very complex and complicated emotional state in very few words...that's commendable and refreshing. seriously freakin awesome. and the first 4 lines...haunting, i love them. nothing but compliments from me.
    | Posted on 2005-09-21 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. This is awesome (noticed it 'faved' on my girl Alia's page). What a great write! Love it! You've captured the leaving in such an original way. I truly felt the emptiness and ache. Excellent! (I KNEW she had good taste).

    Peace,

    Joe
    | Posted on 2005-09-21 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      I must agree with your other commenters. This is well-written, completely depicting the emptiness in strange places (gaps in dvd collection) that you encounter when a relationshp ends. While I didn't care for the f*** lines, I especially liked your ending lines. They sum it all up very well indeed. Well done. mae
    | Posted on 2005-09-20 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
      I truelly have to admit that this piece almost made me cry. Its about the emptiness we feel when we have lost the most important thing we will ever have, love. We feel so alone, and the weight of that makes it hard to take a breath. But we can still feel that loss and emptiness even when the clothes hangers are still full. When the holes are getting bigger and you feel as if there is no way of stopping them from tearing to shreds.

    Okay, now I am crying, so I guess I would have to say job well done. You made me feel this piece and all the emotion that comes out in it. Afterall, thats what poetry is suppose to do. This was a sad piece written beautifully, and for some reason I think the words will stay in my mind. A favorite.

    Brightest Blessings,
    Crystal
    | Posted on 2005-09-20 00:00:00 | by lenotoire | [ Reply to This ]
      i love the detail in this poem: the 'gaps in the dvd collection', the empty coat hangers... little things you don't think to associate with the end of a relationship, but they're very true. The rest of the poem didn't really set me alight though; i think it could have been a bit longer, expressing the hole left by the departure of this person.
    | Posted on 2005-09-19 00:00:00 | by tulip | [ Reply to This ]
      this looks to me like the after math of a relationship.. it took a second or third read for me to realize this...
    the empty coat hangers... the gaps in the dvd collection... fu.ck not having the same sound...

    the reason for departure is depicted very concisley at the end...

    "and everything is a song
    sung breathless
    in someone else's ear."

    as for the "song" element... why this disgression would be a "song" I am not sure of... but um, maybe you are.

    I think the best imagery in here is the coat hangers moving like skeletons... it not only depicts the aftermath of a relationship fallout but also the concept of skeletons.. comming out of the closet.. like some truth had to be revealed before the relationship came to an end.. (cheating?)

    very consise, meaning packed write.. I enjoyed reading this.
    | Posted on 2005-09-19 00:00:00 | by screams | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the way that this is structured. It gives the read more attention for it to be read.
    Its short and sweet with gives it character just like yourself.
    It makes no sense but makes sense if you know what I mean.
    Its very unusual but I think it fab. Its a Saturday night write when you have been thinking to much, or it just came out.
    Bailey19
    | Posted on 2005-09-19 00:00:00 | by Bailey19 | [ Reply to This ]


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