REDEMPTION by jassal

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Submission Name: REDEMPTION dots

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Author:	jassal
ASL Info:	20/m/india
Elite Ratio:	3.41 - 57/37/6
Words:	69

Class/Type:	Poetry/Fuck it all
Total Views:	274
Average Vote:	1.0000
Bytes:	427

Description:
just tell me what you feel.
reach me at http://psyclops.rediffblogs.com

REDEMPTION dots

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REDEMPTION

Dark thoughts slither in the crevices of my conscience,
Weaving yarns of alternate existences,
Fuelling the fires of my rage,
The eye in the sky looks at me with distaste,
A voice in my head speaks “control”
Smell of fear reeks from the sea of souls
I look towards the bloody skies,
I pray to the metal gods…

Submitted on 2005-09-20 07:21:37 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  wow! the discription is so... detailed. i liked 'the eye in the sky'. i felt as if i was standing there with you in this relm of emotion
| Posted on 2005-10-27 00:00:00 | by Judging Angel | [ Reply to This ]
  Horror! It sounds like hell. Why did you name it Redemption? The images are vivid and make the poem gripping...this is one of the few posted that I've actually wanted to reread.
| Posted on 2005-10-23 00:00:00 | by maptoheaven | [ Reply to This ]
  I really liked this one! the descriptions and sense it allowed the reader to feel were that which not every write could accomplish. I too would like to see this one longer but it was a very good start! it seems like the character has been dying to admit to these feelings and was as ready as they could be..just let it all out.
anyway good write!
take care.
J~O
| Posted on 2005-10-02 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
  yeah this was one I really digged, it was surprising in the end how it randomly switched over to the machinery world after having
shared your thoughts that were simmering to create your own redemption, perhaps your master plan was to go to the metal gods all along, but it is surprising because with the words you used it does sound that you wouldn't need their help or what not.
You shared really good discriptions here, keep it up definately
| Posted on 2005-09-25 00:00:00 | by Brack-Attax | [ Reply to This ]
  ok, so who are the metal gods???? I like this in that it depicts a situation that I am in, but I find it depressing- maybe you could write a poem in response that is hopeful, because life is balance, both yin and yang within all.. But I see the truth in this, and that could be considered something positive. It needs more positive, like the bliss of final redemption no matter how long it takes and when you miss the feeling so much that longer would be agony and then a littler longer than that, then you get it and I would imagine that it would be a pure feeling of sweet happiness. Maybe thats just a fantasy, who knows?? take care, shalini
| Posted on 2005-09-22 00:00:00 | by sbridges | [ Reply to This ]
  i would like to thank everybody who has commented on this poem, the reason for my two 'dead sheep' is that no one commented on my stuff earlier. THANK YOU very much
| Posted on 2005-09-21 00:00:00 | by jassal | [ Reply to This ]
  I think that this is a very great start to a really great poem. I think that you should add some more to it. I believe that if you push yourself you can make this even better. Smell of fear reeks from the sea of souls. That is really deep and probably my favorite line. Try to add to it if you can I think you have a lot more inside. Please let me know if you do I would love to re read it. Great writing and keep on writing! God Bless, Dawn
| Posted on 2005-09-20 00:00:00 | by Dawnyd | [ Reply to This ]

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