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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Star Struckdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lmz
    ASL Info:    40/female/USA
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 3433/1529/84
    Words: 138
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1911
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1059



    Description:
       Dedicated to my favorite stargazer


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsStar Struckdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Perfect is this night for stargazing,
    cool crisp air is filled with autumn seasoning.
    A gorgeous dream-filled sky provides
    an unlimited view, heaven's finest display.
    A universal contest amongst the stars,
    you and I, appointed judges.
    Shimmering celestial elegance with
    each and every one shining to impress,
    competing to be the most beautiful.
    Utmost radiance displayed brilliantly
    against a dark blue background,
    Creates an illuminated midnight sky,
    a breathtaking wondrous sight.
    Sharing together profound admiration of
    the truly flawless magnificence above.
    Glistening splendor unlike any in past memory
    glimmers of blue, green, pink and yellow,
    resembling countless sparkling diamonds
    vastly scattered throughout the night,
    Just for us to see, to share.
    Smiling, I reach for you,
    to pull you closer,
    to hold your hand tightly in mine,
    only to realize...
    You are not here




    Submitted on 2005-09-20 10:40:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Lovely poem of stargazing and longing, Lorna! When our gaze settles on the Heavens, don't we always feel that our loved ones who have gone on before us are forever at home there!
    | Posted on 2006-11-03 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      Yet another great write from you. I enjoyed the vast imagery created by this one, both times I read it. I also liked the title very much, a nice play on words. Besides that, I felt that the flow could use some minor adjustments. Other than that one small thing, its all good

    Abbas
    | Posted on 2006-05-18 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmm... that was exellent, as usual.... It made me feel the love I for my g/f.... then what it would be like to miss her, it just tore a whole in my heart.... good job.


    Friend always,
    >Shadow_Mirror<
    | Posted on 2006-08-25 00:00:00 | by Shadow_Mirror | [ Reply to This ]
      I really love the title and the write. Its rarely that I love a title and the poem as well but what can I expect from you but the best. This I adding to my fav's list . Keep up the great work Lorna and God bless.

    Thanks so much for sharing.

    Your fan and friend Jason.
    | Posted on 2006-04-29 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
      Now I want to sit on my back porch and stargaze. Very beautifulally written, the description of the starts made me feel like I was looking up at the night sky. It's funny what we think of, or reminise(sp) when we're by ourself, with just the cozmics up above. Just thinking about it can make one humble, and just a bit lonely. Great write.
    | Posted on 2006-04-22 00:00:00 | by RumnMoxie | [ Reply to This ]
      Ever spent a night just lying on your roof looking out at the glory of the heavens? I shouldn't ask, because surely you already know what it's like from this poem.

    "A universal contest amongst the stars
    You and I, appointed judges"

    This image, among others, really made me feel your experience. You just about captured the emotions experienced from looking at the night sky. I say 'almost' because I think that no poet can ever capture the true emotion of looking at the night sky.
    You have a knack for telling stories. Thank you for the memories.

    -The Prince of Tales
    | Posted on 2006-04-01 00:00:00 | by Prince of Tales | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this is a beautiful poem and very well written might I add...
    I was surprised at the ending because it was so sad for such a happy poem. I must say though that I have had intrest in the stars and started once last year to buy a telescope so I could get a better look see at them. But then I had all these health problems. But, I'm get'n much better now and might still take up the hobby this spring. I really enjoyed the read and don't think I would change a thing about the poem. You seem to have done a fine job with this one...
    Take care,
    !doc'
    | Posted on 2006-02-09 00:00:00 | by dr_tigger | [ Reply to This ]
      OW!! If you were one of my kids, I'd take a deep breath and ask you to stop hitting me like that!

    This read to me as another of your brilliant romantic pieces. In the end, I suppose it is a brilliant romantic piece, but not the kind I was expecting. We're left a bit in the dark as to the real meaning and I'm sure you left it that way on purpose. Is your star gazing love recently deceased? Was he imagined from the start? Has he left you for someone with a bigger telescope? LOL

    Nice work (as always)
    Steve
    | Posted on 2006-02-20 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      It made me experience the numinous ~ the experience where one feels an insignificant spec in a expansive universe. I'm not a religious man but I can see the vastness of the universe and there is a sudden hit back to Earth with the last line, it's very dramatic and a good way to end a poem.
    | Posted on 2006-01-28 00:00:00 | by irvine_valentin | [ Reply to This ]
      I can just imagine myself right outside just staring up into the sky. It was almost like I was right there! The picture was great and I loved how you ended the poem...it almost made me want to be sad...but this poem gave me a really nice feeling and I had to smile. Great job!
    | Posted on 2006-01-28 00:00:00 | by Raindrops | [ Reply to This ]
      Awww... he is always there underneath your endless night sky. I do honestly beleive this, or maybe I am just a natural optimist!

    I loved your descriptions of the heavens above... being blanketed by the night sky. Feeling the warmth caress of the stars above. Beautufully written, as usual!

    I am trying to find a particular line or phase that stood out as particularly breathtaking, while doing so I have found the entire piece to be incredible... I cant pick a favorite part so I am just going to add this to favorites and wish you a happy new year

    Hugs,
    Ella
    | Posted on 2005-12-31 00:00:00 | by stormyskye | [ Reply to This ]
      wow...a universal contest amongst the stars...i love your way of thinking. i love hearing expressions that are new to my ears or eyes. Thanks for sharing this with us all.

    Jay
    | Posted on 2005-12-21 00:00:00 | by Senna27NZ | [ Reply to This ]
      whoa! this was as brilliant as that picture! nifty stars are my favorite thing to stare at... well they're high up on that list next to guys... and ... well you get the point. anyways this was just like sitting out in my front lawn staring up up up! like neverending beauty. i think i need a bigger telescope. and thats not saying very much since i dont have one at all. crazy since i can see everything from my yard, far away from any street lights. but this this you wrote here, is even better because you get to share it with someone. ah! beautiful. i cant get enough of it

    -steph
    | Posted on 2005-12-12 00:00:00 | by playcrackthesky | [ Reply to This ]
      Looking out into the night, star gazing...What one sees is so beautifully, enticing and gives one a sense of romance. Reaching for the hand of the one in their mind and then,,,Realizing, no one...Feels as if one has splashed you with cold water, the way ones heart and soul is possibly feeling at this time.
    A very good write with a twist of emotions!
    | Posted on 2005-12-12 00:00:00 | by AlabamaFarmGirl | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi wanted to comment on some of your work but you have so many that there is little if nothing that can be said that has not already been said. I really enjoyed reading this. Your descriptions are great and I got sucked in from the start, a little saddness at the end tells me of a loneliness that reflects (for all their beauty) that of the stars you describe.

    Later
    V
    | Posted on 2005-12-06 00:00:00 | by Vastmark | [ Reply to This ]
      Nicely done whilst I read, I imaged myself and a close friend once just stargazing in the back yard on a blanket a memory but still a fond one. It's nice to watch the sky in all its array constants of color, flickers of far off splendor. Sometimes a metor shower or just an ocasional reminder. None the less a view of ahh at that point its nice to feel the comfort of the others hand.



    Sincerly Gannondalf aka Big Bear
    | Posted on 2006-06-23 00:00:00 | by Gannondalf | [ Reply to This ]
      
    I like the twist at the end. It has a similiar flavor to "waiting for you" in your personification of the stars while far more subtle here and some of the fluid phrasing of "merging as one". I did feel like you should introduce the first person earlier in the poem like in L2 to bring the poem into context sooner and help ease into the closing more smoothly. What strikes me in these three poems is that the companion is undefined. As if he/she is as yet undiscoverered or merely to be filled in by the reader in accordance to their own context. I think either way it plays well for the poetry and is worth abstracting as a general principle. To leave it open allows for more depth of interpretation.
    You have a large number of Latinate words in this poem this may play well with the astronomy theme but in some instances I was wanting for analogy simile or metaphor to help move the imagery into variation beyond the night sky personifications.

    I really like these lines,

    an unlimited view, heaven's finest display
    A universal contest amongst the stars
    You and I, appointed judges

    The format and turn at the end makes this poem ideal for the sonnet form. I don't know if your averse to form and meter but it would be interesting to see this played out like that.

    | Posted on 2005-11-05 00:00:00 | by Car va g o | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem makes you want to pitch a cot in the backyard and gaze at the night sky to you fall asleep. This was nicely writen and it was easy to follow along with. Great job!

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2005-10-13 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      a very good write
    last night for the first time in a while i went outside to look at the stars they were really bright and quite beautiful
    its funny how i just signed on and want right to your poem strange huh
    the ending was totaly unexpected
    let me guess here i may be wrong but are you talking about someone who has passed on
    if you are know they are with you
    and always will be

    thanks for the comments on wondering i really appreciate it
    please keep in touch
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-10-06 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      sorry for me taking awhile on this piece, i tried to log on the poem but it would not allow me on till i find out. i had to get on with netscape lol anyways
    I ove how you put this as you and this guy together and noone else is there around yall, but just looking from the distance with fasanation of the love yall both have and they want
    peace and nicely job

    spelling sucks I know but pleease tell me you understood it lol
    | Posted on 2005-10-04 00:00:00 | by dudethis | [ Reply to This ]
      Space, the final frontier, these are the voyages of the starship... SORRY ABOUT THAT!
    However those sparkles you see were in eyes not the heavens, a very serious place to look for them. Those stars most often will get you into trouble(or someones bed) but back to your writing, this reminded me of my daughters dorm ceiling. She and her room-mate decorated it with flouresant(spelling?) stars, hundreds of them.
    This also made me think of that country song-
    "Lying barefoot in the back of your truck".
    Anyway, this made my day!
    | Posted on 2005-10-01 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ]
      I think there is a connection to the idea we are as humans and the sky and stars. You know how I love them, and wishing is so easy, to let a message shine through as each is a satelite and the one whom we love is seeing nearly the same view. their between the wings of the goddess our longing gets through. But you see how You have inspired me, and I love your descriptions here. This is a stellar write, every line is carefully thought out and yet none of it is over the edge. As my mind is thinking, my soul can still keep up with the feeling.

    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder love makes us more beautiful than ever. It's a fave, thanks for sharing,

    Nan
    | Posted on 2005-09-30 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Lorna ,
    At first i had visions of the stars in the sky having cat fights over who is most beautiful and in my head i could see them pulling each others hair out (if stars had hair lol ) but then it went so sad at the end longing for the one who isnt there.
    great job
    take care
    Elaine x x x
    | Posted on 2005-09-27 00:00:00 | by lainie75 | [ Reply to This ]
      Lorna,

    This is so sad. You paint this incredibly beautiful picture, create (as you always do) a wonderfully romantic mood only to be alone, without the one person you would like to share it with. Your words, the awesome images only deepen and make more profound the sense of loss.

    So beautifully written!!

    Steve
    | Posted on 2005-09-23 00:00:00 | by SHRINKSDR | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really good Lorna. I love to watch the stars myself and you have brought them to me once again in this lovely write. I like the way you express watching them with a certain someone that isn't there.. yet you feel him so close you actually reach for him.

    "Smiling, I reach for you
    To pull you closer
    To hold your hand tightly in mine
    Only to realize...
    You are not here"

    They really do look like sparkling diamonds don't they?

    Nicely done.
    ~Sandra
    | Posted on 2005-09-23 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      I loved this, and it is going into my favoites thats all i kno. I really liked the ending becuase I wasn't expecting it. You have go so much imagrey in it. So many good words too. I hate the kind of poems that I have to sit here and look up every word in the dictonary. But you didn't make it hard to understand. I think you used just the right amount of imagry. I truely wouldn't change any of it for anything. I love how you describe the night sky.

    Glimmers of blue, green, pink and yellow
    Resembling countless sparkling diamonds

    I love that line so much...becuase you were able to put in the colors and then you compared them to something.

    This is an amazing piece you have going...

    Mikki
    | Posted on 2005-09-22 00:00:00 | by MiKkI25 | [ Reply to This ]
      You sold everything on this one... I was so into the whole love and you and I being together and then as I read the last four lines it was like so sad... The description of everything around was just so detailed and so good that closing my eyes took me to the place and put me in your shoes... Thanks for the great work and for totally driving me insane with your poetry
    | Posted on 2005-09-22 00:00:00 | by josymanthegreat | [ Reply to This ]
      Lorna dear, I love gazing at the stars and being out in the cool crisp evening air. I was riding along so joyfully with you on this beautiful starlit night and then you pulled the rug out from underneath me you naughty girl. I'm sorry that your favorite stargazing friend was not with you there but nontheless you've written a very touching and beautiful poem. Dan
    | Posted on 2005-09-22 00:00:00 | by dmm | [ Reply to This ]
      you can sing a rainbow, and other words to this long forgotten song lol
    I think that was from Captian Noah?
    I love the color sceme here to project your image in this poem
    Nice job my friend
    you never disapoint me in a good read.
    peace
    | Posted on 2005-09-22 00:00:00 | by dudethis | [ Reply to This ]
      Beautiful and so very sad. It's so easy to dream and imagine things when you're laying on the grass and staring at the neverending sky and the beauty contained on that dark canvas! I LOVE staring at the sky in autumn. The sky somehow always seems clearer to me. Anyway, I really liked this write it was wonderful to have those thoughts and feelings throughout and so sad to hit the end of this poem. Still, it was very nice!
    Candi
    | Posted on 2005-09-22 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
      Whenever I star gaze, I am dreaming of something. It could be anything really, a raise, a plate of chicken wings, wish my drink was colder, and those nights I normally don't remember too well.
    But when I think of a woman, the sound of her heart beating, her breath on my neck, her scent, the way her skin feels...the stars have a way of reflecting the smallest details of your memory. And if you're alone, the biggest void of your heart. All of these wonderful things come from star gazing, but like anything great, theres a toll. For me, its the sad feeling inside, of not being with the one I want to be with, beneath the beautiful skies. Its something I think about all the time, and when I begin to count the stars, I think of all the wonderful times I have to look forward to, because of one individual that I will someday meet.
    They truly warm me inside, the stars, they make our lives worth living...and our hearts worth filling.

    Thanks for sharing such a beautiful poem.
    And many other thank yous.

    -ishoes
    | Posted on 2005-09-21 00:00:00 | by iShoes | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice one here. You do a good job describing the scene & the disappointment at the end is keenly felt. Good work. Again, try to eliminate unnecessary words that interfere with what you're trying to say (the,a,an).

    A few suggestions, take ‘em or leave ‘em:

    Competing to be the most beautiful – LIKE WHAT? MAYBE AN ANALOGY HERE

    breathtaking wondrous sight –‘wondrous’

    Sharing profound admiration of – DROP ‘TOGETHER’; IT'S REDUNDANT

    Resembling countless sparkling diamonds – MAYBE ‘GEMS’ INSTEAD?

    Nice job.

    Peace,

    Joe
    | Posted on 2005-09-21 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      wonderful write Lorna. touching and beautiful words. i do get deeper meaning out of this. the competing could be those around you if one were to think in that paradigm. but i think you wanted a more artful look into this. as art it is lovely. a little sad at the end when that someone isn't there. excellent words and images,

    ~mike
    | Posted on 2005-09-20 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
      This read like a literal act of orgasmic self endulgence, and how right I was seeing the ending!

    I think this piece lacked your usual structure, causing me to get lost about halfways wondering what exactly was going on, though that might have been your intention.

    Anyways, nice girly write of a starlit night

    Keep it up.
    | Posted on 2005-09-20 00:00:00 | by Lostinbeer | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh my - I wasn't expecting that ending! How sad! Very good twist at the end.

    While I enjoyed this poem, I felt it could have been smoother. Your lines were short and choppy, not smoothly flowing into each other. After a few lines, I really wanted that to stop and even out a little. I didn't. But then there was that ending! Your description of the sky was phenomenal, except for the choppiness. mae
    | Posted on 2005-09-20 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice write! Clever ending! I really love surprise endings. This was a bit sad, but very profound and yet, realistic. A missing love is remembered. This also is full of that longing.

    Fav line/s:

    "Cool crisp air filled with autumn seasoning"

    Just love the dual meaning of seasoning.

    Suggestions:

    L1 - Drop "is this".
    L2 - Drop "filled with".
    L3 - Drop "A gorgeous".
    L4 - "view (of)", drop "display".
    L5 - Change "amongst" to "of", drop "the".
    L7 - Drop "each and".
    L12 - Change "an" to "a", drop "illuminated".
    L14 - Drop "of".
    L15 - Change "the" to "of", drop "above".
    L16 - Drop "in".

    A very intriguing poem, and I love the ending. Well done!

    Phil
    | Posted on 2005-09-24 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      Very nicely done Lorna. It's sentimental, romantic and somewhat tragic as well. All of which I can identify with very easily. The ending really make the whole thing work. And although it's sad, sad is better than feeling nothing at all I think. Thanks for a lovely poem. :-)
    Bill
    | Posted on 2005-09-20 00:00:00 | by rankamateur | [ Reply to This ]


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