Description: Ok, unlike part one, this is not an acrostic, but it follows the idea of drowning morecloselythat the first. Whereas the first part was a focusing on a 'first date' scenario, this part covers the break up. And before you ask, yes,it is about secks in the shower.
The Art of Drowning Pt. II -------------------------------------------
Breaths quivering
beneath drenched hair,
as California Red
mingles through every
desiccated cell -
fruitless flavours still
grasping your lips
in hope of one more
playful sip.
Fingers frantically
pulling at mists -
swiftly diving through
ectoplasms of saturated
orga[ni]sms between
antique white tiles;
examining every inch
of bare skin: the teasing
tickles of immersing trickles.
Devoid of atmosphere -
cyclical drums
overpower light-headed
winces.
The mirror clears,
but the unforgiving
message still gazes back.
Behind that curtain is
so forlorn without you.
I think you've got something going with this one on the whole. The initial and final stanzas speak with clear authority and portray the "victim" here in all their isolated and helpless clawings at the inevitable. Be it actual drowning that brings us out of our common story, or the little drownings we do every day to hold that last one off a bit longer.
Where you kind of lose me is in the middle stanza. It gets a little too ethereal here, a touch too flowered for its subject. Regarding: "orga[ni]sms", I see the delima but I think you need to make a choise or find a way to jukstapose the two. The ear is indifferent to sight gags.
man that was hot... I've always wanted to try that but just never got the chance... hm. Anyways! It was a good write and I believe I read the first part too... either way I think I like this one muuuch better... and as another note... breakups SUCK! -Alli
woah. i don't know what to say. woah. that was great! your descriptive ability just blew me away (no pun intended). i'm going to read the first one now... i don't know what to say (i'm no good at commenting, sorry) this is just a really great poem! you should be very happy! moo :) angela
Submission Name: The Art of Drowning Pt. II
