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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Art of Drowning Pt. IIdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Uriel
    Elite Ratio:    4.04 - 73/81/25
    Words: 111
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 885
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 785



    Description:
       Ok, unlike part one, this is not an acrostic, but it follows the idea of drowning morecloselythat the first. Whereas the first part was a focusing on a 'first date' scenario, this part covers the break up. And before you ask, yes,it is about secks in the shower.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Art of Drowning Pt. IIdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Breaths quivering
    beneath drenched hair,
    as California Red
    mingles through every
    desiccated cell -
    fruitless flavours still
    grasping your lips
    in hope of one more
    playful sip.

    Fingers frantically
    pulling at mists -
    swiftly diving through
    ectoplasms of saturated
    orga[ni]sms between
    antique white tiles;
    examining every inch
    of bare skin: the teasing
    tickles of immersing trickles.

    Devoid of atmosphere -
    cyclical drums
    overpower light-headed
    winces.
    The mirror clears,
    but the unforgiving
    message still gazes back.
    Behind that curtain is
    so forlorn without you.




    Submitted on 2005-09-20 16:36:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Chris,

    I think you've got something going with this one on the whole. The initial and final stanzas speak with clear authority and portray the "victim" here in all their isolated and helpless clawings at the inevitable. Be it actual drowning that brings us out of our common story, or the little drownings we do every day to hold that last one off a bit longer.

    Where you kind of lose me is in the middle stanza. It gets a little too ethereal here, a touch too flowered for its subject. Regarding: "orga[ni]sms", I see the delima but I think you need to make a choise or find a way to jukstapose the two. The ear is indifferent to sight gags.

    Good and solid otherwise.

    Talk to you soon,

    Jason
    | Posted on 2006-01-02 00:00:00 | by Jason The Basta | [ Reply to This ]
      man that was hot... I've always wanted to try that but just never got the chance... hm. Anyways! It was a good write and I believe I read the first part too... either way I think I like this one muuuch better... and as another note... breakups SUCK!
    -Alli
    | Posted on 2005-09-21 00:00:00 | by Childoutspoken | [ Reply to This ]
      woah. i don't know what to say. woah. that was great! your descriptive ability just blew me away (no pun intended). i'm going to read the first one now... i don't know what to say (i'm no good at commenting, sorry) this is just a really great poem! you should be very happy!
    moo :) angela
    | Posted on 2005-09-21 00:00:00 | by m with two i_s | [ Reply to This ]


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