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Author: mysteryed
ASL Info:    44/male/california/usa
Elite Ratio:    3.29 - 20 /35 /18
Words: 237
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 725
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1453



To be me

Dreams that make me,
Nightmares that wake me
Thoughts that shake me
Fears that quake me

So I try not to sleep

People that curt me
There words that hurt me
Senses that alert me
That death does flirt me

So I keep to myself

Visions that haunt me
Feelings that gaunt me
My mom does taunt me
She does not want me

So I have no family

Doctors accrue me
And then they construe me
Then nurses subdue me
Drugged they do view me

So I do not to ask for help

But poems appease me
Words do not tease me
The rhythms do please me
And emotionally ease me

So I write every day

With no arms to hold me
Or eyes to behold me
Nor a love to mold me
Or even church to fold me

So I am very much alone

So if you do see me
Do not guarantee me
Someday you will free me
For I will always be me

So I do not look for false hope

So another day gone by me
With tears my eyes supply me
Always asking why me
Till the day I say goodbye me

So I pray each night for death

By Mr. E. Jones

Submitted on 2005-09-20 19:16:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  Howdy. Yes I'm the evil critique [censored] that everyone's been talking about. No, just kidding, but I'll still do my best. Ok... lets see what we have here... K 1st off u've got ur self a handy little poem here that is very good. It shows you're not a lost little child who doesn't know themself. in the 2nd stanza u've got:

People that curt me
There words that hurt me
Senses that alert me
That death does flirt me

This might be a little better:

People curt me
Their words hurt me
Senses alert me
That death does flirt me

... the word "that" usually clouds the line. I only use it if I have to, and you maybe be different, but it doesn't make the peice a bit more reserved from the reader, even if a reader doens't notice. In the 4th stanz "Drugged they do veiw me" Ehm... that was too. Middle schoolish you know? Not the best, chicko. You could have done better. Small things like that should be revised. If you want more annoyingly deatailed fuss 4rm me leave a message thanx. ~Rahcel~
| Posted on 2005-09-20 00:00:00 | by Aprie Chick | [ Reply to This ]
  well im gonna start off by saying that the way you have got so many words that rhyme is completely beyond me... i suck at rhyming and consequently hate it but you have WOW'd me with your ability to find words...

i think though that in your quest to rhyme your overall point is slightly trivialised...

your first stanza is tight... honestly it would have to be the best part of your write.

Dreams that make me,
Nightmares that wake me
Thoughts that shake me
Fears that quake me

So I try not to sleep

i really like how you have the little standalone lines after your 4 line stanza... the structure is very well done but again i think the need to fit into this structure has stunted your point somewhat coz there are places where it is very forced and unnatural...

That death does flirt me
Drugged they do view me

these are a coupla lines that dont work for me.
some of the other lines work gramatically but seem kinda cliché but i think thats coz you are trying to stick within the chosen structure which i admire you for trying to do.

personally i think you should take the ideas you have in this write and try to write an unstructured piece... try avoiding cliché lines and just seeing if you can pour more of the real feelings that are obviously begging to be discovered and explored a little deeper from this piece...

is there not anything good about being you...?
i realise that it can be hard to be ourselves but hopefully there is something good somewhere... maybe you just gotta look harder for it i dunno...

anyways if you do try to rework this let me know... id be interested to see the outcome.
| Posted on 2005-09-20 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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