TO BE ME
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Description:
TO BE ME
To be me Dreams that make me, Nightmares that wake me Thoughts that shake me Fears that quake me So I try not to sleep People that curt me There words that hurt me Senses that alert me That death does flirt me So I keep to myself Visions that haunt me Feelings that gaunt me My mom does taunt me She does not want me So I have no family Doctors accrue me And then they construe me Then nurses subdue me Drugged they do view me So I do not to ask for help But poems appease me Words do not tease me The rhythms do please me And emotionally ease me So I write every day With no arms to hold me Or eyes to behold me Nor a love to mold me Or even church to fold me So I am very much alone So if you do see me Do not guarantee me Someday you will free me For I will always be me So I do not look for false hope So another day gone by me With tears my eyes supply me Always asking why me Till the day I say goodbye me So I pray each night for death By Mr. E. Jones |
Submitted on 2005-09-20 19:16:15 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| Howdy. Yes I'm the evil critique [censored] that everyone's been talking about. No, just kidding, but I'll still do my best. Ok... lets see what we have here... K 1st off u've got ur self a handy little poem here that is very good. It shows you're not a lost little child who doesn't know themself. in the 2nd stanza u've got: People that curt me There words that hurt me Senses that alert me That death does flirt me This might be a little better: People curt me Their words hurt me Senses alert me That death does flirt me ... the word "that" usually clouds the line. I only use it if I have to, and you maybe be different, but it doesn't make the peice a bit more reserved from the reader, even if a reader doens't notice. In the 4th stanz "Drugged they do veiw me" Ehm... that was too. Middle schoolish you know? Not the best, chicko. You could have done better. Small things like that should be revised. If you want more annoyingly deatailed fuss 4rm me leave a message thanx. ~Rahcel~ | Posted on 2005-09-20 00:00:00 | by Aprie Chick | [ Reply to This ] | well im gonna start off by saying that the way you have got so many words that rhyme is completely beyond me... i suck at rhyming and consequently hate it but you have WOW'd me with your ability to find words... | i think though that in your quest to rhyme your overall point is slightly trivialised... your first stanza is tight... honestly it would have to be the best part of your write. Dreams that make me, Nightmares that wake me Thoughts that shake me Fears that quake me So I try not to sleep i really like how you have the little standalone lines after your 4 line stanza... the structure is very well done but again i think the need to fit into this structure has stunted your point somewhat coz there are places where it is very forced and unnatural... That death does flirt me Drugged they do view me these are a coupla lines that dont work for me. some of the other lines work gramatically but seem kinda cliché but i think thats coz you are trying to stick within the chosen structure which i admire you for trying to do. personally i think you should take the ideas you have in this write and try to write an unstructured piece... try avoiding cliché lines and just seeing if you can pour more of the real feelings that are obviously begging to be discovered and explored a little deeper from this piece... is there not anything good about being you...? i realise that it can be hard to be ourselves but hopefully there is something good somewhere... maybe you just gotta look harder for it i dunno... anyways if you do try to rework this let me know... id be interested to see the outcome. | Posted on 2005-09-20 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ] | |
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