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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Travelerdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 231
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 632
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1267



    Description:
       Just tell me what you think...I wanted a story in a poem and this is what I came up with...

    Peace LOve and Empathy
    Jaz


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Travelerdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I looked up, and the man said to me that he was gentle...that he was kind
    and I couldn't help but offer him a bit of tea
    he said he prefered whine if I could spare it
    I poured him a glass
    and he was greatful
    he said that all the miles dissapeared with just a drop of red whine on his tongue
    and maybe if I had some ham he could carry on
    I had no ham but I offered him the last bit of my bread and he took it
    I asked him to stay the night with me
    he was tired and it was late and better he have a place to sleep in a warm bed...
    I told him I couldn't imagine a log as a pillow and leaves as a blanket...maybe straw if it could be found
    he accepted and I prepeared the night for him
    I slept
    and he stirred
    must be a bad sleeper
    must be disturebed byt bad dreams
    and then a razor of light spread across my bedroom
    I had a moment to realize that the door may have been open
    then everything went black
    and I rested...traveling...forever asleep and my blood on the floor
    no more dreams to comfort a mind that isn't able to explore
    just an empty corpse
    and I had nothing left to offer him





    Submitted on 2005-09-21 07:57:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      yeah, you gotta be careful with strangers. it's a rape poem right? kinda sad. u bring about a good point though - why should we try to do good to others when there is a good possiblity that they will screw us over in the end? i liked it. cool.
    | Posted on 2005-10-28 00:00:00 | by Solomon Disease | [ Reply to This ]
      This is more like a dark poem than a serious one... Didnt your mom tell you not to trust strangers... Gosh I mean obviously up to no good if he is already asking for way more than you offered... you said water he said wine you thought you could trust him and then you died... wow I could tell where it was going before it went there... he wasnt really restless in his sleep he was getting something from his atire and then Poof... Few seconds later its over without any kind of struggle... in a deeper meaning though you can compare this to love beacuse you give someone your trust and then when you least expect it they betray you... Good write and keep it up

    Jose J. Ortiz aka Josyman
    | Posted on 2005-09-28 00:00:00 | by josymanthegreat | [ Reply to This ]
      did you get raped in the end? or did he just murder you? or was the guy really you or were you the guy? hmmm . . . you can tell me if u want. or i can interpret it the way i want to. i guess the moral would be - be careful about who u trust. i dunno. it was good. made the reader imagine. and that is important. people like to be spoon fed now-a-days. i liked it.
    | Posted on 2005-09-22 00:00:00 | by Solomon Disease | [ Reply to This ]
      It is interesting. I enjoyed reading this, wondering where it will go. Interesting twist at the end. For a moment I thought that this is going to be some sad story about poverty that is close to being pathetic. But you pulled this one on the other side. I love the minimalistic way it ended(minimalistic in emotional kind of way). I like how you didnít write about your emotions; story belongs to the reader, to upgrade it in its own way.
    | Posted on 2005-09-22 00:00:00 | by Poly Jean | [ Reply to This ]
      as always,creativity is abundant.i like little short stories and attempt such myself.i was thourghly intrested the whole time.you suffer from the same thing as me though.you go from right to left field,and not properly connect parts of the read.i am terrible at this myself=my mind wonders greatley.i usually have a half a dozen different endings for my writes.
    for me,this does not bother me,format.i either like it or i dont=format and ryme matter not to me,so dont let this bother u.i just say this in case improvement is important to u.
    i enjoy reading youre stuff regardless=it usually makes me feel
    apperciate


    toyysruss john
    | Posted on 2005-09-21 00:00:00 | by toyysruss | [ Reply to This ]


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